My brother ordered me out of his hospital room.

I know, i know! (waves hand frantically)

One time my neighbor was moving, and her brother showed up to help!

Another time, it was another neighbor's birthday, and her brother came over after work and met us at a restaurant. I was like, this is so nice of you to come all this way! It turned out, he and my brother lived in the same suburb.

And i think, just about everybody's brother shows up for their big fat italian wedding. It didnt even register how humiliating that was. Mine didnt, but he did take me to lunch after my divorce, a few years later.

I must admit, there were about 20 years where there were monthly family dinners as my nephew was growing up, but no contact with my mother resulted in no contact with my nephew, despite my t's insistence that there could be a separate relationship. Like father, like son, i guess.

I think there are all kind of different variations of dysfunctions.

My brother is very nice but family dysfunction is still there.

One time my daughter dated some guy with a very dysfunctional family and she said oh they are so awful compare to these people we are the most wonderful family on the planet. Lol

I think it’s all relative. Sometimes I think I wish I had a family like XYZ people but then I think I bet they have some drama I just don’t know about.

I think sometimes having in your face awful family might be better because then you know what you get. Like loud mouth get drunk at family dinners and get into fist fights kinda crazy. You know what you get. You come prepared so to speak. My family is very civil on surface. “On surface” is operative terms. I don’t know what’s better

When I am depressed, I cannot do dental hygiene at all. It is actually the first thing, dental hygiene, that I do when I come out of a depressive spell.

Thanks for posting that you understand about the teeth-brushing. You mention coming "out of a depressive spell." That also shows you know what I'm talking about. Depression for me comes as an "episode" or, as you say, a "spell." It has a starting date and time. It has an ending date and time. Sometimes I'm in a spell. Sometimes I'm not. My problem now is how to "come out of" this "spell" that I'm still in. I don't know what exactly does it, but I know when I've "come out." It's like my head was held under water, and then suddenly I can breathe. That's the "coming out." I wish I could make it happen because this spell has gone on too long.

When I decorated my Christmas tree, I felt better while I was doing that. I know I should get up and do things.

My retired friend just got matched with the kid she’ll tutor starting January. I think I posted about it before that her recreation community center does tutoring services for kids in the area. The one she tutored last year she actually became friends with a kid’s parent because of it. I think I probably posted about it before. I wonder if community center by you does something like that? My friend wanted to do adult literacy tutoring but ended up liking spending time with kids.

And schools always need volunteers. Just need background check and then you can read stories ti kids and what not. I understand it’s not for everyone but you might like it.

@divine1966 - thank you for talking about your friend who tutors. Where I live is a big enough city that there has to be opportunities like that around me.

Right now I am very low. I need to get a little better than I am to be able to even begin investigating what I might find to do.

I've been trying to fall asleep. It feels like I can't face anything.

I tried to find old posts of mine to remember when I was doing well. I know I posted that I was doing well back in October. I want to get back into that state of mind. I try to understand how I was doing so well and what ruined that. Right now I don't believe this is going to blow over. It just won't let up. I keep breaking down. This can't possibly keep being my reality. Something has to give.

Maybe I should try to find a movie. I know suggestions have been offered, either here or in another thread of mine. Maybe I should set a timer to make myself do something, until it rings. Sometimes, I've felt better once I managed to start. The starting was hard.

I just want to go sit with someone somewhere. At the same time, I want to avoid people. I get a lot of social anxiety sometimes, and it's bad right now. I took an extra Vicodin 2 hours ago, hoping for an opioid lift. That didn't work at all.

For years I've thought that, if I got in extreme despair, I would go to the pound and adopt a dog . . . as a last ditch effort to make life tolerable. I'm afraid I would regret doing that.

Years ago, I tried to use alcohol as a pain killer of mental pain. It didn't work. It was helpful for tension and anxiety, but not for depression. So I never became a big drinker. My latest remedy has been edible cannabis to get to sleep at night. That has worked pretty good at knocking me out at night. I've been up until 3 a.m. a lot of nights. That's when I take one half of a gummy (15 grams of THC) and, next thing I know, it's morning. I've tried lots of stupid ways to feel better. If I would just stick with doing something smart on a regular basis . . .

Something's got to end this. I'm so lucky to have so many things that are going okay. I have the material things I need. My health is pretty good. So many people lack necessities and live in a constant state of severe want. I have a decent foundation to build on. I just need to make a few connections. Yet, I'm overwhelmed, like I fell into an abyss.

Movies are a good idea. Old Christmas ones. I don’t know what your taste is but there are tv shows are periodically rewatch that are always a good mood lifter.

I managed to get dressed and eat some breakfast . . . at 2 in the afternoon. I think I need to get out of the house now. There has to be a way to ease this.

Sit in a coffee shop drink something and read a book or a magazine? You can spend two hours there.

Just posting a whole pile of loves here for in case you can feel them through the computer screen, Rose

I've been sitting on the couch for over 2 hours telling myself to go out before it gets dark. Almost dark now. I failed to move.

I will go now . . . maybe to a coffee shop. Any move in any direction will be better than this paralysis.

Thank you for these latest posts. It's nice for anyone to care.

I know I have to help myself. I know I have not been trying enough.

*takes Rose out to a coffee shop and treats her to coffee and cake*

I got from the bed to the couch. I'm very tired.

I think of asking for some psych help, but then I remember how that didn't help much in the past. In the past, it made me feel worse.

Maybe you'd get connected with a better fit this time if you asked for help? Or maybe not. It's hard to predict.


The other tricky thing about depression is getting so weighed down by the 'shoulds.' Beating ourselves up for not getting dressed or leaving the house or whatever isn't great motivation. I hope you treat yourself to something you enjoy this week, whatever that is.

@hvert - yes, it is hard to predict. I keep expecting the worse. I remind myself that good things happen too. How I've been looking at things sure hasn't given me motivation.

I like what hvert said. Unless staying in bed or on a couch causes you to neglect your pets or children or some other incapacitated human beings, there really is no “should”. I grew up in a family where being 24/7 busy is an expectation. I perpetually feel guilty if I don’t do something all hours of the day. But if for how many days you need to be in pajamas on a couch, well maybe give yourself a break. It will get back to normal as it always does.

My pdoc (and he was VERY good) used to say to me "I don't care if you don't speak to anyone but I want you to go to a park, a store, a mall, and be around people. You WILL feel better" and he was right. Do it once and then after that try to do it once a week, then a few times a week.

Would it help to visualize others sitting on their couches and being unable to do anything? Depression is a leading cause of disability worldwide. A quote from NIH:

"Depression, the common psychological disorder, affects about 121 million people worldwide. World Health Organization (WHO) states that depression is the leading cause of disability as measured by Years Lived with Disability (YLDs) and the fourth leading contributor to the global burden of disease."

Sometimes I just give myself that break & enjoy the time doing nothing. I have personally found it doesn't last that long & sometimes after taking that break I need to give myself a kick in the rear to get started again which can take a few days more but then I am back functioning like normal & I actually feel better giving myself the down time I needed

These are all good points. And you might actually talk to someone even if exchange few casual phrases: people in line, barista, cashier, somebody next to you at the table etc

Thank you all for the posts above. I hope everyone had a good Christmas. I'm still not back to normal. I'll have to push myself soon. I did give up trying to fight the urge to stay on the couch most of the day. That's all I did today. I did go to midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. I'm glad I did that. I'll try to get out of the house again tomorrow. If I could just get back to feeling normal.

We all wants our Rose to feel better

I do so many things that get me out of the housr but I totally veg between them except dog walking & playing around my farm several times a day. With my camera & explore the little things & funny things I find. I did an exciting play last night & splurged for VIP ticket to meet the actors/actresses before the play. It was called the Christmas Carol Experience & it was a little interactive as the play moved from room to room in one of our town's old historical homes. It was a wonderful exciting experience. I reward myself with fun things like that to enjoy.

Today I'm back on the couch. Yesterday was a better day. I pretty much wasted today. Yesterday I got some housework done, which made my surroundings nicer. That always helps me a lot.

@eskielover - that Christmas play sounds charming. I would love something like that. I need to find out what's going on around me. Where I live has lots of things happening. I have to pay some attention and find things.

When I had a dog, it did get me out of the house a lot. I've thought of getting another dog. I like dogs a lot. They tend to like me too. It's a big responsibility. In 2022, I was hospitalized 3 times. I realized I would have had no one to care for a dog of mine in an emergency like I had with those hospitalizations. I can't afford to hire a house/dog sitter. Boarding dogs is expensive. Even those solutions are very hard on a dog, who doesn't understand what's going on. It's nice to have close family around who can step in. I just don't have that. I heard that, in an emergency, the city animal welfare dept will step in and take a pet and board it, while the owner is in the hospital. I wonder if that's really true.

There are other, less problematic ways to make my life fuller. I just need to do it.

I'm not managing to recover. This has gone on too long. I appreciate all the suggestions that I give myself permission to take it easy. Sometimes that's what you need to do. At this point, me taking it easy on the couch in front of the TV is only bringing me further down in the depressive spiral. My place is such a mess. No dishes washed in days. Seeing the mess around me makes me more depressed. If I got going and made my apartment look nice, I'ld feel better.

All I did today was take a shower. It was hard to get through that. I barely had the strength to do that. I get so short of breath.

I'm not asking for more ideas of healthy things I could be doing. You've all made good suggestions. I'm going to hire someone to help me with straightening up my place. Believe me, I get by on a small income. It's not easy to manipulate my finances, so I can hire help.

Three and a half years ago, after my sig. other passed away, I got very depressed and had a huge mess on my hands. I had to empty out my boyfriend's apartment, which meant piles and piles of stuff from his place brought to my house. I was in a mess. I hired a home cleaner to attack the bathroom and kitchen, which greatly helped, but still there were mountains of stuff to sort through. I decided to hire a professional organizer. The results were amazing. They don't come cheap. In my area, they charge $60 per hour. A professional organizer comes for a 3 hour "session." I find 2 days, with a 3 hr session each day, radically transforms the environment I'm living in. With my environment made orderly, my state of mind greatly improves. I get unstuck.

I have also been thinking about asking my PCP to refer me to psych services. I feel I'm in a slow rolling crisis. I think often about suicide. I'm not in any danger of self-harm tonight, or tomorrow, or next week. But I will find a way out of this state of mind, one way or another. Fortunately, I feel I have things to try first before giving in to despair.

I'm pinning most of my hope on hiring the organizer to whip my apartment into shape. It's a nice, cozy, comfortable place, when things are in order. That might be all I need. At times in the past, I've been helped by getting professional psych help. Maybe I would benefit from that again. Just to have someone recognize what I'm going through.

Everyone has felt depressed at one time or another. That leads people to think they know about serious depression. Chronically recurring depression is not like what most people know about. Clinical depression is not like what most people have experienced. So, please, if you have not ever been diagnosed with clinical depression, please don't judge me. If you have never had to cope with depression, while being totally alone, please don't judge. I believe there are others, here at MSF, who do know what this is like. I'm sure there are members of MSF who've been thru worse, even much worse than what I'm going thru. I don't deserve a pity party. But I do deserve some mental health care.

That brings me to a longstanding problem I've had. I clean up good. I "present" well. At first glance, mental health professionals tend to think there is nothing much wrong with me. I don't get taken seriously. My PCP prescribes my antidepressant. That means she has an obligation and a responsibility to assess how I'm doing. She never, ever asks me how I'm doing with managing my chronically recurring depression. Once a year, an M.A. reads off questions from a depression assessment. She types in my answers, while looking at the computer monitor. The questions come with multiple choice options for answers. It is the most perfunctory approach imaginable. My PCP obviously does not take seriously how much I struggle. I need someone to believe me. Even if they can't do a dang thing to speed up my recovery, it would help me just to be believed.

So I keep thinking that, if I ask for psychiatric help, it will backfire on me. I fear that my PCP might cancel my prescription for Vicodin. Every month I pick up my refill of 60 tablets. That's probably enough to be lethal, if taken all at once. So I'm afraid to speak candidly with my PCP. She's a physician's assistant. She told me in the past that she would not increase my psych med (amitriptyline) by more than a slight amount. She said that any major change could only be made by a psychiatrist.

I would never take an overdose of drugs. That is too unreliable with an unpredictable outcome. A person doing that could wake up - still alive, but with major organ damage. Years ago, I researched methods. There really isn't any ideal way. Even physician-assisted euthanasia can have a horrifying result, with some patients taking 48 hours to succumb to barbituate overdose. (Seconal is what is usually ordered in USA.)
That's why, in Holland, they have mostly switched to using an I/V barbituate, which is the only truly humane way to terminate a human life. As a nurse, I've care for failed suicide victims. Some of the failed attempts produced horrendous outcomes, where the individuals survived, but with severe brain damage. So I'm in no hurry to do something drastic. I know how badly that can go.

I feel there are still things I can do to make life seem more worthwhile. We discussed some of those things above. I don't seem to be making any progress. That's what has me considering asking for a psych referral. Just some contact with someone who understands depression would possibly help me. Often professionals don't understand, especially with someone who comes across as functioning pretty well. I don't seem to be dangerously depressed. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I just feel too sorry for myself.