My brother ordered me out of his hospital room.

I think what's driving this, right now, is that I got no phone call over the holidays from my family. One of my sisters texted that she had COVID. My other sister has simply "ghosted" me for the past 2 years. This is very hurtful, and I don't fully understand it. A year ago, I tried to talk with this sister. I got nowhere. So her being so cold to me, on top of my brother being the way he was, leaves me with such a sense of loss. I was a pretty good sister to both of them. People can be awful mean. I need to shift my focus away from them and put it on what human connections I can make here where I live. I thought that sister was my best friend. It was a delusion. I have to wake up from being deluded. If my boyfriend were still here, I wouldn't care so much. But my siblings were all I had left, after he died. They're thousands of miles distant from me. But believing they cared was something to hold onto. I never bothered them or sought for much attention from them. One sister does keep in touch with texts, but doesn't like phone calls. The other sister just offers nothing. On New Year's Day, she sent me a "gif" that was a graphic, saying Happy New Year. No text with it. Just a gif. I take that as her passive-aggressive way of punishing me. I do not deserve that. I need to give up on her.

Is it possible for them to say the same thing that they didn’t get anything from you on Christmas (no phone call or text or card?)

Rose I understand and all I have to offer is to sit with you. I understand major depression too well. Its soul killing. I had similar family issues until both parents passed away and I told my sibling I never wanted to see his face again. It really hurts but now one thing I don't have to face is his constant gas lighting and abuse. Please don't judge yourself., but it wouldn't hurt to get some psych help. I care.

No.

If you think I must have deserved this treatment . . . . . . well . . . . . you can believe that, if you want.

Thank you. I have been judging myself. When depression leads to my place being a mess, I lose respect for myself.

Here's what discourages me: In the past, I've been tried on so many drugs in every category. They were pretty useless. When I've gone to therapists, they typically start off by saying, "So, what can I do for you?" I don't have an answer for that.

What???? Not at all. Where’s this coming from? Why would you deserve bad treatment?

I am just offering a perspective of them possibly saying the same thing? But if you do contact them and they don’t respond or respond in a nasty way, then you have your answer. Maybe you shared before what happens if you contact them on holidays (they don’t respond or get nasty or what not), then I apologize if that was already discussed.

If you're just trying to hold me accountable for what I have or haven't done, this is really not the time or place for that. I'm in very bad shape. I know you're a practical problem solver, so this thread may seem pointless to you.

I suppose I could give you a synopsis of my efforts to keep in contact with my family . . . . but I don't think I will.

Ok. No I don’t think it’s pointless. But I don’t want to be unhelpful or make things worse so I won’t bother you. Best wishes to you.

In Post # 50 above, I explained I'm in a lot of pain, and I asked not to be judged. I've been pretty badly hurt.

Did I deserve to be treated better? I think so. But that's just me saying so. There's an old saying: "Self praise is no praise." What I'm here to say is that I'm having a hard time managing feeling very depressed. If anyone suspects that maybe I'm just getting what I deserve, then please feel free to not waste your empathy on this thread.

Hiring the cleaners sounds like a great plan. You know that having a clean apartment makes you feel better. Maybe that's what you need to get the ball rolling the other way.

I think a professional organizer is a terrific idea. Transform your environment and your internal world will be transformed, too.. Take before and after pictures to prove to yourself how far you have come.

I have been thinking of the danger of being cut off from Vicodin if you introduce changes now to who and how prescribes for you. Definitely not something to be taken lightly.

My thanks to both of you above for the encouragement. Today I sent a text to the organizer lady that I need help. I know she'll get back to me. Just doing that has made me feel like I have a plan and will move forward. I'm still not functioning, but I feel hopeful now that I'll pull out of this.

That's a good idea about the pictures. I did that 3 years ago. I showed the "before" pictures to my PCP to show her what a mess I was in and why I had gotten so depressed. I'm glad I finally made a decision and committed to it.

I still haven't decided about asking for a psych referral. I did so much of that in the past that I feel I exhausted what I could get out of that. Adding more psych meds never helped. After years of going to therapists, whom I did respect, I can't imagine what any therapist can tell me that I haven't been told already. Either I've heard it, or I've read it, or I've thought of it myself. That sounds like I'm a deluded know-it-all, but it's reality. I don't need help problem solving. I need emotional support. I find that peer psych consumers are sometimes better than professionals. I find that MSF is helpful to me.

I learned long ago not to confide too much in ordinary people who haven't struggled with clinical depression. Even my sisters I don't talk to about depression. They only get frustrated and want me to just snap out of it. People don't want to hear about distress that they can't do something about. It's human nature, and I just accept that. When someone asks, "How you doing." The socially appropriate response is, "Fine, thank you." When one is recently bereaved, people are extra kind. Only in that circumstance is it ok to express heartbreak. That lasts for a little while. Then everyone moves on, and the bereaved person has to move on. I've recovered from grief. Right now, I'm not grieving. I'm depressed. It's a different animal altogether. But there's no explaining that to most people. Some professionals get it . . . and some don't. Anyone here at MSF can post on any thread. Anyone can have a good suggestion to offer. Non-depressives tend to view this as a problem-solving scenario. It's not. You can't reason a depressed person out of depression. I've had CBT training. CBT looks great on the drawing board. For some folks, it is not much help. Of course, it's good to slow down and think logically. However, life is tragic. That is the truth of the human condition. It's really more logical to be pessimistic than to be optimistic. Writing my thoughts here does help me. I know what I need to do. I have no good excuse for not simply doing it. I just have to climb out of this quicksand that I fell into.

Rose, have you ever had a psychotherapist who just wanted to hear you without offering solutions and a way out?

Yes, I saw one therapist over the course of 19 years. Not every week for that length of time, obviously. But I would return to her during difficult times because I respected her so much. She was a very good listener who got to know me very well.

It's nice to talk to someone who gives you their undivided attention and listens intelligently and offers encouragement. After a certain point, though, you either pull yourself together, or you don't. The remedy for depression, in my experience, is to get up and get going. The other remedy is meaningful contact with other people with whom you have some relationship. It seems to me, from years of reading threads on MSF, that sometimes clients of therapy come to regard their therapist as the person who means the most to them in their life. I read posts by individuals who fall in love with their therapists, or can't hardly wait to see them again, or are frantic that their T didn't respond to their last email or because their T went on vacation. A therapist is not there to become your best friend. I believe lonely people get addicted to therapy. Relations with other people are nothing like relating to a therapist, who offers you unconditional acceptance.

I remember when I could see a therapist for $60/hr. That was affordable. Then it went to $80/hr. Last I checked, it was over $200/hr. At current rates, you really have to find therapy that your insurance will pay for. That is not so easy to access. If you don't have a substance abuse issue, or behavior that makes you a problem in your community, or are engaged in self-harm or serious self-neglect . . . then you're considered pretty normal and basically ok. About 20 years ago, when I was unemployed for a spell, I was referred to an outpatient facility that told me to falsely claim I had an alcohol issue, so that they could get funding to see me. I'ld go to group meetings, where each client had to state their substance of choice. Some were sitting there wearing ankle bracelets. Some were women trying to regain custody of their kids. They did assign me to a nice therapist. I stuck with it for a while. Then I regained employment and moved on. While I was there, I mentioned to my therapist that most other clients seemed to be so much more socially at ease than I did. He responded, "Well, addicts tend to know how to network." I felt like the dummy of the group. Over the years, I left no stone unturned, exploring everything available in my city.

My whole problem is that I haven't involved myself in activities where I'ld form relationships. Instead, I've become very reclusive. I can do something about that. But it takes some energy. It takes getting out of bed and leaving the house. I just have to do it. I've never been this depressed for this long. When I'm interacting with someone, I seem fine . . . and I feel okay.

Despite all that I just said, it might help start my engine, if I did see someone for awhile. My PCP could refer me. I asked her about that months ago. I guess she forgot. She would have remembered, if she took me seriously.

I got a phone call today telling me that a favorite relative of mine died last night. I'm too far away to attend the wake and funeral. After ordering flowers, I went back to bed. I'm still in my pajamas.

Now I'll go back to cleaning the kitchen. I've been living on Jimmy Dean's sausage biscuits that I pop in the microwave, along with containers of Boost high protein drink. My kitchen was too messy for me to cook a meal in it. I can do something about that. So I'll go do some more cleaning. Part of me wants to go back to bed. I have to fight that urge.

Oh no, I'm so sorry about your relative. I was thinking of you the other day when I was talking to a friend. He got a job at a nursing home in his neighborhood one day a week just so he has something to do and a reason to leave the house. It's been a good social outlet and gives him some pocket money.


I hope you were able to get something done in the kitchen. Getting to eat something different is a good motivator

Last night I did clean up the kitchen. Today I got up and got going. Made a good breakfast and showered. I do feel better thanks to doing that.
Next I'll take down my xmas tree. I'll write down a plan for tomorrow. The organizing lady got back to me, and we scheduled her coming to help me.

So I think I'm on my way up out of the pit I've been in. I also watched some YouTube videos about combating depression. I feel very hopeful at the moment. I need to keep this going till my normal state of mind really kicks in. Then I hope it will be a while before I get hit with another "episode."

Thanks everyone for helping me feel less alone.

@hvert - I worked in nursing homes for many years. Good for your friend taking on that part-time job. He can make a difference for the folk he cares for. I will look fir some kind of volunteer work.

I learned a big lesson. If I'm alone next Christmas, it will be my own fault. My goal is to find some volunteer work where I will make connections. Helping at a meal center for the homeless on Xmas would have been better than being alone.

Set up guardianship for your brother. The guardian can be authorized to make legal, financial, and health care decisions for the person/ward. Unfortunately, your brother can't be assigned a guardian if he is just a collossal ****$#@. You need to find an estate planning/elderly care attorney (pro bono), He'll need a 15 day notice of hearing so he has time to find an attorney himself (pro bono). At your brother's hearing, the court will determine his level of incompetence and what type of guardian will be assigned to him. Likely, he'll be appointed a public guardian since you - his sibling - aren't interested in that role. A guardian of property, for example.

Alternatives to guardianship:

1) power of attorney
2)representative or protective payee
3)conservatorship
4)revocable trust

I recommend going to your local free legal aid clinic to ask an attorney for help.

@Motts - my brother is competent. He does not need a guardian at this point. He wants me to stay away from him and leave him alone. He does not want to speak to me about anything.

It was only while he was heavily sedated that the hospital was concerned to have a relative around to sign consent forms.

This will sound really stupid but it works for me. I watch YouTubes of cute animals, like goats with pajamas jumping around. If you don't mind offensive language as in profanity, there is an American comedian who has a farm and takes care of his animals and I find him really funny.

Well - I'm doing so much better. Getting work done around my place yesterday really propelled me up into a much better state of mind. The xmas tree is down. I'll put all the xmas stuff back in storage. Bonus - it's sunny outside today. Nice to see a blue sky. I've had a good brunch. Next, I'll get back to work. I actually feel pretty happy and content now.

@Molinit - thanks for the link. Funny stuff. Also, the chickens look so well cared for. I love baby goats. I'll look for some goat video.

It looks like things are turning around for me. I just have to apply some self-discipline. (Lack of that is a big flaw of mine.) I'm using a notebook to write down what things I want to accomplish. When I finish a chore, I got to the list to know what I should next move on to. I need to work out some daily routines. Good habits are wonderful. I have a lot of bad habits. I'll work on changing that.

That’s good to hear! Sometimes all it takes is one step at a time. Keeping a journal is a good idea too!
Ok that video is hilarious. His robe has chickens on it too 🤣

I did buy a book to journal in. It will help me be mindful of what I need to be doing because I will write down what I want to get done as well as what I've done. I know I need to develop a daily routine. I need to have short term goals and write down daily how I'm progressing toward them. I want to attend yoga classes at community center. My longer term goal is to become involved in enough things where I build bonds with others, so next Christmas I don't feel so isolated. I must keep that in mind and daily ask myself what I'm doing toward that goal. The journal will be a place to track progress.

Sometimes just staying busy with some type of schedule is good. I dislike yoga but both my husband and daughter swear by it. I believe it has great benefits

You were very involved when your significant other was dying. Would you consider volunteering at a hospice?