wife said shes divorcing me

her value to me was someone i could share my life with and grow old with. not sure why your implying otherwise. mine was honest from the beginning and didnt waiver. in fact i stood by her through a lot of things. cant say the same about her. i supported her financially and brought more money to the relationship. for me it wasnt just a house to flop in. shes the one that lied about loving me.

We have no ways to know if she has BPD and we can’t diagnose on here.

I’ve met women who couldn’t be a day without a man. They don’t even care who the man is and how bad he is as long as they have one. They’d literally be broken up with someone today and crying about it, but tomorrow or maybe even same day they will be in a bar picking up a new man or online searching a new dude. Kind of despicable. But it doesn’t always mean personality disorder.

I wonder if she has substance abuse issue. She sounds like her decision making is impaired

ive never seen her doing anything other than drink every now and then. very true.

Every day when you wake up, your job is finding somewhere to live ASAP. Stop worrying about what she's doing or what she's thinking. If you do not find a place to stay you will end up with a shelter (if there is room), and if that's what you're going for, okay, but I don't think you'd want that. Spend 8 hours a day making calls and applying for places and getting on lists.

Good point. This should be a priority. But I’d check what his rights are first. If she didn’t give him a written notice to vacate, she might not be able to evict especially since he’s on disability

I’d say if she already dating, then there is no need to keep this marriage going. She’s not interested

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Originally Posted by aphexx13 her value to me was someone i could share my life with and grow old with. not sure why your implying otherwise. mine was honest from the beginning and didnt waiver. in fact i stood by her through a lot of things. cant say the same about her. i supported her financially and brought more money to the relationship. for me it wasnt just a house to flop in. shes the one that lied about loving me.

Then my question does apply....are you sure you were ever valued by her? If you were never valued then you couldn't have been de-valued by her

yes ive seen no pappers of any kind yet. yes ive given up on this marriage. she fooled me well i deserve better.

good advice

Since there’s nothing on paper, just keep looking for a place. It might take more than 30 days. She can’t just throw you out. Don’t ask for any papers. It’s on her. Not you

i will. she hasnt mentioned papers so im not either.

today was a very bad day for me. i had no energy and im still refusing to accept whats going on. i was so depressed i just wanted to drop off the face of the earth. meanwhile my wife is acting like everythings normal. she never cleans and when i got home she was organizing her nightstand which has been a mess for 5 years you couldnt even close the drawers it was so cluttered. she said she was just trying to stay busy. shes like a stranger to me right now. my daughter is my life preserver right now. i kept telling myself to fight for her. i was fighting the thoughts that she would be better off without me. i feel like such a failure. the pain is unbearable but i kept thinking about how cruel my wife is being which made me angry. how am i so heartbroken over this person that did me so dirty?

I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. How you feel is completely normal and understandable. Sending virtual hugs.

update from 2 weeks ago.

Jan 19, 2024#61
I ended up in the hospital Tuesday morning with a pulmonary embolism. luckily my heart is fine and i don't have any clots in my legs. they couldn't find a reason where the blood clot came from but they think my sedentary lifestyle because of my disability. and after i got blindsided by my wife wanting divorce i was even less active so that didnt help. As soon as my wife heard that i had a pulmonary embolism she left work and came to the hospital and stayed with me every day until i was discharged. she was acting like the woman i married. her brother died from a pulmonary embolism 2 years ago so i think this triggered her. yesterday before i was discharged the hospital called my wifes phone to talk about some free resources. my wife handed me her phone to talk to them and in her haste to give me the phone she didnt close her text message conversation. when i got the phone there was the conversation right in front of me with a new guy shes talking to and it was very intimate conversation with him. i was in shock my wife realized her mistake and jumped up and grabbed the phone to close the text message. after i got through with the phone call she wasnt talking about it so i confronted her about it. she claims it started as a distraction and it wasnt serious but she wasnt going to stop talking to him.

before i got admitted to the hospital my wife had plans to spend the night with her girlfriend tonight and come home saturday. now she said she is canceling because she didnt want to leave me alone overnight so she is going to spend the day tomorrow with her friend and come home. before i went into the hospital my thoughts was she was going on a date with the guy she is talking to and depending on how it went go spend the night with her friend. now i think she is going to see her friend in the afternoon and going on a date after that with this guy.

this morning I was in the bathroom and i saw a text message to a new guy that she is meeting up with tomorrow night after she sees her friend. so now shes got multiple men going on. She did the same thing with her last husband only worse. I told her that im still hurting from the shock of the divorce and the thought of her with another man already is just as painful. how can she miss me or have second thoughts about divorce if she has all these men to take her mind off of it? i think thats why she does this.

Im sick to my stomach over this. yesterday i was so depressed in the hospital i wanted to die. i had a sliver of hope after seeing how she was taking care of me in the hospital but it was destroyed after seeing that text and then this one this morning. Here i am sitting home alone with oxygen to my nose with a pulmonary embolism i almost wish it would have killed me. She claims shes still grieving our marriage but shes grieving differently than i am.

finally reaching that angry stage with my wife. shes talking to like multiple guys now and right in front of me. like i dont know whats going on. she really is cruel and its not the same person i fell in love with or married. im pretty sure its a distraction for her to mask the guilt and not think about changing her mind. she also brought home the divorce papers but didnt give them to me yet. i got more bad news at the dr today about my blood clot in my lung and it could be from a blood disorder and more clots may be coming. so i think she felt guilty about giving me the papers yet. shes in such a rush to get divorced and get me out of the house. i feel like ive died and im in hell right now. so many bad things are happening to me in such a short period of time. 1. wife blindsides me with divorce. 2. i cant afford to move out on my own. 3. i land in the hospital with a blood clot in my lung. 4. more bad news about blood clots and my heart. whats next? im almost praying for death in my sleep.

I'm still seeing my therapist and now that she has the divorce papers im speaking to a lawyer this week.

anyone else go through self loathing? i feel like if i didn't have the flaws that my wife saw in me things would be fine. I'm codependent and I'm not ambitious enough right now because since my back injury i had to go on long term disability so i was only bringing in 60% of my salary so that caused a strain on our finances. although my wife didnt help by getting her hair dyed every 3 months that cost 300$ and her nails every month. that put me in a deep depression because i could no longer do physical labor and if i wanted to work again i had to start over and take some courses in computers. starting over at 52 is very scary and im not sure if i would even make it in the computer field. i felt like a failure and my confidence dropped in myself which isn't a attractive feature. right now i wish i wasnt me.

I’m sorry to hear what you are experiencing. Have you looked into Codependents Anonymous? I read their literature and have attended meetings. It helps.

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anyone else go through self loathing? i feel like if i didn't have the flaws that my wife saw in me things would be fine.

So are you self loathing because you believe you have those flaws too? That in itself is only something you can work on & change. Changing most likely won't fix this marriage but can sure help you lead a more emotionally functional life in the future.

Or are you self loathing because that is how your wife sees you but you don't see those flaws in yourself? Thus obviously no need to make any changes.

Knowing the actual source of your self loathing makes a huge difference in how it can be handled.

From personal experience, usually both husband & wife are the cause of a divorce in that they both get to the point where they react negatively to each others behaviors & it ALL CONTRIBUTES to the reasons for divorce. For me, by that point there was nothing that could have ever changed my feelings of dislike & knowing there would never be any compatibiluty. That is when you know the marriage is over.

Your starting over needs to be focused on getting better then working on making a functional life for yourself independent of anyone else....that focus can help you rid yourself from self-loathing because you are focusing on YOUR OWN future plans

i feel like i do have those flaws. the ambition one is kind of situational because of my new health conditions but my main issue that i am working on with a therapist is the codependency.

Keep working on changing this with your therapist as it is a trait you will need to control/ change in or out of marriage to have a more healthy & stable mental future