Had The Strength to Leave My Husband Today - Update

So, this is the original thread of what happened:

Had The Strength to Leave My Husband Today

Hey everyone,

Just wanted everyone to know that if you're in a bad situation, you don't have to stay in it forever. I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think it was possible because I love my husband so much, but after last night's abuse and me locking myself in our bedroom, I had no choice but to have him involuntarily committed for his violence and not taking his meds.

It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make.

I am fat and ugly with very low self-esteem. I didn't think it would be possible that I would ever fall in love, because of how bad I have always felt about myself. So, I settled. I settled for a man that I didn't really have a lot in common with, but just someone who needed me so much they showed me unconditional love. That's what I needed. Just someone who would love me.

So now tonight he is going to bed in a psych ward, because I had him taken off our lease and changed our locks. Maybe it hasn't settled yet completely. The fact that I am all alone now, or that he's all alone. But I had to do this for my safety as well as my mental health. What could have I done differently is the question I keep asking myself. He kept hearing voices, the worse one was he kept hearing my voice telling him horrible things in which he would say "Lynn stop talking shyt to me or shut the F up" when I wasn't even saying anything, he was hearing it in his head. The mental and verbal abuse had me living in fear. I wish he would have taken his meds when he was supposed to, but I couldn't force him. I stopped him from doing drugs but to make him take meds too? It felt like so much on my shoulders when I suffer from my own mental health issues too.

I'm hurting tonight. I feel like I did the right thing, but I am having flashbacks of his face in my mind, and the tears are welling up in my eyes. Why does life have to be this hard?

All I know is, if I didn't spend 10 months in jail and 18 months in rehab and then another 9 months in a sober living house, would I have had the strength to leave him today. I worked so hard to gain back my independence, that I can't throw it away so easily for someone else no matter how much I love them.

I just wanted to express my gratitude for this forum always being here to get me through these times.

I'm looking to make some friends too, so please say hello in the comments below.

Thanks again.

This is what happened on Thursday 12/28/23

I came home from work and found the lights on in my apartment. I didn't know what to think but when I opened the door, I found my husband in my apartment. The Sheriff brought him from 3 hours away and dropped him off at his last known address. Apparently, they released him and didn't notify ANYONE even though, as mentioned above, it was a very dangerous situation. I had changed the locks, but he got in, apparently, I didn't close the door hard enough.

I didn't know what to do. He was promising to take his meds and he seemed like his old self after being two weeks in the hospital. I was going to give him a second chance. I called my dad, and he was furious. He said he was just going to go back to his abusive self in a few weeks and refuse to take his meds again and insisted my husband leave. Him and my mom drove from 45 minutes away and made sure he left. He had nowhere to go so we made the decision to send him on a Greyhound back to NY to his mom. We had to drove an hour away at 11pm at night for the nearest bus that night because he had nowhere to go, and I refused to let him stay on my couch.

It was an emotional and painful night. I said my goodbyes at the bus stop and it felt like a tragedy even though it was the absolute right thing to do. He has been doing this for years, and you guys don't even know the whole story - I served 10 months in jail because of this man.

This was the last and final time. The past few days have tested both my mental health and my sobriety. We didn't know if he had made it to NY for two days because he had never made it to his mom's house. I feared he was dead because I sent him with $300 of his money and I thought he may have found drugs out there and overdosed. I wanted to drink so badly, feeling guilt that I didn't try hard enough.

But he did make it, and he's doing fine. I haven't been taking his phone calls, because now that he is at his mom's all the way in NY, I can let go. My parents are superheroes I swear, because without them I would never have had the strength to do this.

This too shall pass they say, and even though my heart is empty, and I miss him terribly even after all of this, I know that I have to move on. I wouldn't have had the strength if it wasn't for a forum like this and all the resources I have available here in my town.

To the people who had commented on my original post, your wise words got me through this. I visited this site every day and reread everything you said.

This is a new year, and I believe God gave a second chance for a better life.

Good for your parents!! Yay. I’m glad he made it to his moms, but now he’s no longer an anchor around your neck. You can let him go.

@Nammu I know, they're amazing! I really feel a burden lifted. I hate the fact that I still question the decision over and over in my head, but yes, I know it was the right thing to do. Thanks for always being here for me.

Having such parents is a true blessing. I hope this year brings you much deserved happiness LadyShadow.

Thank you so much. My parents have saved my life in more ways than I can count, and the I am truly grateful for the blessings.

Your parents are awesome & they definitely have your best interest in their hearts.

As an aside, it would probably be best to file for divorce ASAP so he can't do any financial damage beyond the abuse he had already done.

It is a new year & a new life & I wish you the best future possible

You and your parents did so well. I am glad it was handled the best way possible. I agree with eskie about filing for divorce. I’d not wait for that

You're very strong.

Yes, your parents are a blessing, but YOU did this.

You.

You put up boundaries.

You reached out for support.

You made healthy choices that were best for you both.

You were hurting and confused and scared and weakened by your situation, but YOU did this.

RDM

Emotions has been running high as I am looking to file for divorce. I am battling with my feelings as I navigate this. He hasn't changed and disappeared for a few days on another drug binge out in New York. My only solace is knowing that I made the right decision.

You definitely made the right decision

Definitely the right decision. Filing for divorce is hard with so many unknowns & the court system but when it is over it is a sigh of relief.

My now ex lived 2100 miles away from where I moved & filed. He never even responded to my lawyer. They had to send out another letter from another lawyer (required by my state) & never responded to that. The judge gave me everything I own here & was going to try to rule on things that were joint property there but there was no jurisdiction there & no way to enforce a rulling from that far away. He was in contempt of court in a rulling made in his own state & it would have cost me too much to deal with it. Sometimes just getting out of the marriage is the most important thing when there are no kids involved

@divine1966 thanks so much, you have always been so supportive of me and the things that have been going on in my life. I really appreciate it.

@eskielover - sounds like things really worked in your favor in regard to your divorce, I hope and pray my situation will go smoothly as well. I think the hardest part for me is the acceptance of the circumstances. I am holding up well though, looking into to the cost of some lawyers and navigating through the process. But I am fortunate that no kids were involved and like you said getting out is the most important thing. Thanks so much for all your support

@RDMercer thanks for your continued support and positive encouragement. You have been so wonderful at checking up on me and making sure I have been okay through this. I really appreciate that. I hope things are going better for you as well.

I've been quietly following along. I'm just astounded at "oh I guess I didn't close the door hard enough" and that this guy who doesn't have keys broke into your apartment and a police officer let him?!? (Not on you, just, wtf?)

I am so glad your parents had your back and made sure to get him out of the house. Maybe he will change, but it's up to him to maintain that change in his life; you have given him enough chance. You deserve to have time to focus on your own health and happiness.

Good for you holding your boundaries and asking for help when you needed it.

Trust me @seesaw I am astounded at my shockingly dangerous carelessness at not pulling my door in all the way. Not defending it, but that morning I was really late to work, and I just didn't pull it closed hard enough, which trust me, after that incident I take the extra time and not only pull it completely closed from now on but go ahead and lock the top lock too. And him ending up in my apartment was just incredible since he was dropped off by the sheriff, especially since I had an involuntary commitment order done on him because I was in danger. I absolutely called the hospital he was in and gave them an earfull for just releasing him and not notifying anyone, the audacity!

As much as I want to hold on to the belief that he can hopefully change, (maybe in the future because he doesn't seem like he has any intention to now), I need to do what's best for myself these days. As hard as it is, I need to remember that my enabling nature and low self-esteem is what had me so long in this marriage. The realization of this has been eye-opening for sure. So thankful for my parents too, I couldn't imagine how I could have gotten through this with them.

Hi @LadyShadow

Just checking in.

Hope you're ok.

@RDMercer thank you so much for checking up on me! As it stands right now, my husband and I are on good terms because of the distance between us. There is a level of acceptance for both of us, and I think it's important that he is with his family now. He needs their support, and they are better equipped to deal with him. I will and never will be his mother, which I feel was the role I was taking on rather than a wife.

I am still lonely and dealing with that every day. Sometimes I feel content alone in my own place, other times I bawl my eyes out like it's the end of the world, but I just think that's the bipolar in me. Overall, it's a healing process, and I have the support of my mom and dad as well as close friends nearby. I appreciate all the support that I am getting, and I am very fortunate.

Thanks again for checking in and following my story. I hope your situation has improved as well my friend.

It's not only bipolar that can create those feelings. Some of us (like me) have extended ourselves beyond our own healthy boundaries and get sucked into our partner's lives and disarray. The breaking of that can feel traumatic. I'll never forget the night everything came to a head for me and the kids. I'm thankful my son was driving, because we were driving around and talking about getting them out. I was in the back seat, and when I finally said, "OK, we do this. We have to work together, and I have to get you out," it was like a hand reaching into my chest and grabbing my heart. The pain, the unreal pain, of letting go of something I had pursued and enmeshed myself with for so long was just..... I remember bending over in the back seat of the car and wailing, just full-on wailing, like I'd just traumatically lost a loved one. You went through something similar at church at Christmas.

It gets easier. You'll find yourself again.

RDM

@RDMercer you have no idea how much I relate to this. Not only Christmas, (so honored that you remembered that), but just this morning at church. I know people were probably looking me but I was literally weeping while the service was going on. I was such a mess. But being around all those people, (a nice lady gave me a warm hug) really made me believe that I am going to get through this.

Thanks so much again for your continued support, and I know you will come out better for all of this in your situation too. Hope today was a good day for you.

Hey, I'm just paying it forward

I'm incredibly thankful for this forum and the people who supported me. I didn't even know that "trauma bonds" were a thing, I didn't know about the patterns and highs and lows as you go through the break up and recovery.

It's a year for me now. It still hurts, but you know what? We all SLEEP now. No interruptions, no weirdness, no drama. We all get along. Work is easier. Good people have come into my life, and other good people have re-entered my life. I'm hurting, but I'm blessed.

We got this.

RDM