Toxic (?) boyfriend

I've been with my boyfriend for a year now. A year plus 8 months if we count our time to gother before we broke up in august in 2022. Beginnig of last year he texted me again, I of course folded for I have no self respect when it comes to men obviously.

Have I regretted it? Repeatedly. Have I thought about breaking up, about dating other (specific) people? Uhuh. But 1. I grew up in the middle of divorce and cheating so a breakup initiated by me would be terribly painful to me, 2. we live together and I don't make enough to move out. In fact I currently don't "make" anything, I get financial support by my parents which is barely enough to hold up my end of rent and food. So there's that.

I'm not sure what to tell about him, even. He's a year older than me, 22 to be exact. He graduated high school and vocational school after that. Now he works full time and makes a decent living (60% of which he spends on stuff like video games, computer building, online gambling and pot. That, of course is his decision to make and 100% his money to spend, I just thought it might illustrate his character a bit).

I've come to realize that I'm with a complete jerk. Among other things. It isn't uncommon to hear him say rude, inconsiderate, straight up mean, careless, ignorant, and arrogant things to me. I usually hear something of this sort on a daily basis. For exaple, he recently expressed his dissatisfaction with my gym progress. I've been exercising consistently for more than half a year now, which has not been an easy habit to maintain. I'm a full time student on my final year (which means actively writing my bachelor's thesis). I'm also on the chubby side, which he also didn't leave unmentioned. He saidmy body makes him feel like "chubby chaser" and everytime he sees my snapchat memories from years ago (when I was 14-18 years old and quite a bit thinner) he says he sees someone "he could have, but I don't put in enough effort". I still can't shake the feeling of shame, humiliation and anger that filled my whole body when he said that. I was SO proud of myself that I finally started LIKING the gym, moving body, getting stronger and more cardio indurant and so on. I haven't felt the same joy in the gym since he said those things. Oh, and to top it all off, he said he "won't marry a fat *****" and he won't have kids with me.

Today he suggested we watch his favourite movie sometime ("8mile", if anyone gives a damn) and I said okay, but can we watch my movies sometimes, too? He straight up got dodgy (which in his terms means no). He accused me of making it transactional without taking a genuine interest in his stuff. He holds that sentimet with pretty much all of his hobbies, interests, favourite movies, music, activiteis, even friends. He expects me to take full interest in his stupid S**t, his jocky friends who never approved of me and our relationship. When I ask, BEG him to do something with me or hang out with my friends, he just doesn't do it. "Have cooler friends then"

There's of course TONS more I could share, but even I wouldn't care to read a post that long. These are just some things, patterns that bother me the most about our relationship.

What should I do? Put my foot down? Match his energy? Distance myself? I'm completely out of ideas. I feel so alone, trapped and bothered my all of this.

If anyone has ANY advice I'd be VERY grateful. Thanks!

@Tule welcome to MSF. I am sorry you are in a relationship with someone that speaks disrespectfully of you.

Have you considered getting a thyroid test. An underactive thyroid can lead to rapid weight gain. The other thing I found is a high carb diet puts on the pounds so I eat more veggies and protein and less carbs and look better and feel better.

If you can get through this last year of school you would have some options available to you as long as he is not physically abusive. It is something no one else can tell you: what to do. Only you know.

CANDC

You are both very young. If you think he is not good for you maybe move home with your parents, or a parent. Staying with someone because you’ve no money is a bad thing to do. Soon you will graduate and be able to work.

You are in Estonia!
Tere õhtust!

Listen he is a very bad news. Run. What an awful human being. Could you live with your family? Roommates? Friends? Anyone? This man (if you can call him that) is no good! Abusive, ride, selfish. I just can’t….

You will be done with school soon and will have a good life. Don’t ever settle for jerks like him

I hope you can leave this abusive person soon

It sounds like a complicated match. He doesn’t seem to accept you for who you are. You deserve someone who loves and treats you with respect. You are deserving of so much more.

Is moving back in with your parents an option? He has an unhealthy financial hold on you.

A little update!

First of all, I want to thank everyone who gave me a read and took time to reply! Your responses have confirmed things I've suspected amout my partner for a long time. It's also nice to see fellow estonians in this thread!

As of right now I'm still in his apartment, but yesterday that almost changed. I've been stuck with a cold for weeks now, which came in as a factor when it came to the birthday party of his friend yesterday. I wasn't feeling too well, but I was willing to pimp myself up to attend, because it is important to him that I try to get along with his friends. In response to that, while he was at work, he kept texting me I shouldn't feel obligated to go with him because 1. I'm not very well and 2. in the context of previous his friends' "happenings" we've been to, I'd be more of a reliability and a risk for him to take along, because he'd have to "babysit" me the whole night since I lack proper social skills to make decent conversation with anyone. All of those things he said deeply hurt me and when I expressed that to him, specifying that alienating myself in that party wasn't my intention and I was actually looking forward to it, he called it "********" and my only goal was to make him miserable the entire time. One thing led to another, his accusations got more and more foul, mean and unjust and at a certain point I slammed my chat shut, started packing up my belongings and had a plan to go flee to my parents' house. I had almost everything together, and then he came home. He saw the bags, he looked at me and started crying. I, of course, folded and stayed. I knew even before he stepped into the apartment that it wasn't going to happen that day.

We made up. Sort of. Things haven't been the same and I haven't been in such a hurry to unpack all of my stuff just yet. I let him know that if something like that ever happens again, we're over for real. Not that I have much confidence that it won't happen, it very likely will, but it bought me time.

Right now I'm going to continue searching for work, collecting money for a potential future walkout and revaluating our relationship in my own head.

You need to leave him.

You say your parents are sending you money for food and rent. So, you have options: you can look for student accommodation, share with other students off-campus or move back with your parents.

I missed where parents were sending money for food and rent. It’s very nice of them but do they know you are being mistreated?

If my daughter chose to stay with abusive men, I’d not be sending her money. She’d have to move back with me or find more appropriate decent room mate. Otherwise they are enabling abuse (maybe unknowingly).

My parents are supporting me financially, yes, but that sort of a thing is manatory in Estonia (up until the youth has graduated university). They don't send me much, about 300 euros, which I'm infinitely thankful for, but in here it's barely enough for half the rent, if even that.

They do not know that I'm being treated that way, though they have their suspicions. To my family, I've always been sort of a tough cookie. As a child and a teenager, I was a strong, feisty and at times a rebellious girl whos word counted a lot to my younger siblings (I'm the oldest one, so that might be natural).

In that context, it might sound unlikely to them that I'm in such a submissive spot in my relationship. I think they might think I'd leave immediatley at the first sign of serious trouble and/or if my boyfriend is being a jerk, I just don't care.

I'm not upset that they think this way, because that grants me a certain amount of independence. The way I see it, I'm not trapped here and the fact that my overly anxious relatives aren't thrown in the mix is more of a blessing.

I do recognize, that this is not a good situation and I don't disagree with anything that has been said about it. However, I'm at limited options here and if at all possible, I'd like to find a personal income and move out when I can do so within my own means, not at the mercy of my parents.

If things get really bad again, I'll of course take the neccessary steps and leave to my parents' house like you guys have been advising. Thanks again!

Thanks for the update and for clarifying where you are coming from, @Tule!