Why does my husband accuse me of complaining whenever I express any opinion?

jesyka · May 03, 2024, 10:21 AM

Is he overly sensitive to any criticism or is ot just me? Example, earlier this morning he put on some strong cheap cologne that smelled bad.

I didn’t tell him that it smelled. I just told him that he used a little to much of it & to please use less next time as it’s very strong.

He got upset & he told me to stop complaining He dismisses & gaslights me everytime I try to express any opinion or thought that isn’t 100% upbeat & positive.

It’s like he expects me to be happy & not complain about anything at all which is ridiculous.

He is a stoic person & he doesn’t like to express emotions or deal with them at all.

How can I talk to him without being accused of complaing or being negative? He often says things like I don’t want to hear it or shut up instead of listening to me talk.

Why is he like this?

TryToBeBetter · May 03, 2024, 03:32 PM

Hey Jesyka, it really can be tiring being worried about how the other person will react. I don't know you or him, but one thing about what you said you said to him is there is a difference between giving feedback and giving an instruction (which some people don't take well).

Its perfectly fine to say "that's a strong aftershave. Did you use a lot?" But telling him to use less is ordering him to do something. For me I am fine if someone asks me to do something ("could you use less?"), but as an adult it can be demeaning to be told what to do ("please use less next time"). He isn't a child even if you might think he acts like one sometimes.

I am not saying this to criticize you, I am just trying to explain why he might react as he did.

jesyka · May 03, 2024, 11:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TryToBeBetter

Hey Jesyka, it really can be tiring being worried about how the other person will react. I don't know you or him, but one thing about what you said you said to him is there is a difference between giving feedback and giving an instruction (which some people don't take well).

Its perfectly fine to say "that's a strong aftershave. Did you use a lot?" But telling him to use less is ordering him to do something. For me I am fine if someone asks me to do something ("could you use less?"), but as an adult it can be demeaning to be told what to do ("please use less next time"). He isn't a child even if you might think he acts like one sometimes.

I am not saying this to criticize you, I am just trying to explain why he might react as he did.

Hi, thanks for explaining things to me. Maybe I do need to rephrase everything in a nicer way probably. I didn’t think that I sounded harsh, but who knows?

I have noticed that he really doesn’t like to hear about anything that he considers to be less than positive though which isn’t healthy at all.

As I said, he will often dismiss me, shut me out or tell me to shut up, or yell at me when I even ask him if he paid the credit card bills yet, ugh.

Have Hope · May 04, 2024, 03:46 AM

@jesyka, anything that challenges an abuser will cause the abuser to react poorly.

I had asked my ex abusive husband a very simple non-threatening question once about a hair brush. I asked him why he was telling me he would take it to work versus asking me if he could take it since it was my hair brush. That one simple question caused him to erupt and explode in anger and rage, accusing me and berating me.. it caused a HUGE fight unnecessarily.

Any innocent question or remark that challenges or displeases the abuser will set the abuser off. He takes it as a threat to him. An abuser does not respond or react in normal, expectable, reasonable, and fair ways.

You cannot control that at all. You cannot change or control another's behaviors or reactions to you.

I eventually stopped talking to my husband and walked on eggshells around his explosiveness.

divine1966 · May 04, 2024, 06:01 AM

He is a jerk, just going by what you posted about him in the past. There’s no way to explain why jerks do what they do. He just isn’t a nice guy going by your posts

Having said, that sometimes it’s about delivery and also depends on what we comment about. I’d probably feel some type of way if my husband said “please use less perfume”. He never would. We don’t speak to each other this way. I am not a kid. It sounds like a directive: please do your homework. Lol

I’d also not like if he asked if I paid my bill. Again I am not a child. We set most of our major bills automatically. But then we have our individual bills that we both pay individually. We don’t ask each other if the other person paid their bill. It’s implied that bills get paid. We are adults. Is there a reason he needs to be asked if he paid a bill?

TryToBeBetter · May 05, 2024, 03:40 PM

Hi again Jesyka, I just wanted to say I wasn't meaning to imply it was your fault too. But if you are talking to him as an adult (not telling what to do, accusing, etc) and he responds badly, then he is the only one at fault. And trust me I do know how how it is to walk on eggshells all the time. It really wears you down.

jesyka · May 10, 2024, 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

@jesyka, anything that challenges an abuser will cause the abuser to react poorly.

I had asked my ex abusive husband a very simple non-threatening question once about a hair brush. I asked him why he was telling me he would take it to work versus asking me if he could take it since it was my hair brush. That one simple question caused him to erupt and explode in anger and rage, accusing me and berating me.. it caused a HUGE fight unnecessarily.

Any innocent question or remark that challenges or displeases the abuser will set the abuser off. He takes it as a threat to him. An abuser does not respond or react in normal, expectable, reasonable, and fair ways.

You cannot control that at all. You cannot change or control another's behaviors or reactions to you.

I eventually stopped talking to my husband and walked on eggshells around his explosiveness.

Sorry to hear that you went through that. You’re probably right about what you said unfortunately.

jesyka · May 10, 2024, 08:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

He is a jerk, just going by what you posted about him in the past. There’s no way to explain why jerks do what they do. He just isn’t a nice guy going by your posts

Having said, that sometimes it’s about delivery and also depends on what we comment about. I’d probably feel some type of way if my husband said “please use less perfume”. He never would. We don’t speak to each other this way. I am not a kid. It sounds like a directive: please do your homework. Lol

I’d also not like if he asked if I paid my bill. Again I am not a child. We set most of our major bills automatically. But then we have our individual bills that we both pay individually. We don’t ask each other if the other person paid their bill. It’s implied that bills get paid. We are adults. Is there a reason he needs to be asked if he paid a bill?

He definitely is a jerk. So, was I wrong to tell
him to please use less cologne?

How would you go about telling your spouse something like that?

He doesn’t pay the bills at times because he claims that he has no money or that I spend ‘to much’ so he deliberately tried to keep my credit bad despite him denying the truth.

Once I start saving up money from my new job, I’ll
pay off things myself.

There’s a shortage of drivers there now, so that’s why I got lucky with getting hired when no one else wanted to hire me.

Plus maybe ones personality doesn’t need to ne outgoing to get hired too.

Hopefully I’ll be able to hold on to that job as they need me for now.

mote.of.soul · May 10, 2024, 08:47 PM

Quote:

He definitely is a jerk. So, was I wrong to tell
him to please use less cologne?

Just on this point of too much cologne, you know, I can see how under stressful relationship circumstances asking a spouse/partner such a question, could trigger a negative response unfortunately. But, no, you weren't wrong to ask him that question, obviously it's up to him how he chooses to reply. To me, you should be allowed to tell him it smells bad too, that's useful knowledge if it's coming from a lady, in my opinion... Wishing you guys more peace jesyka.🙏

divine1966 · May 10, 2024, 10:09 PM

If my husband started using bad cologne all of a sudden, I’d certainly let him know. I don’t want my husband to embarrass himself smelling bad. Just something in the wording appeared to be bothersome to me

I’d have hard time depending on someone who doesn’t pay bills on time. Very stressful

You don’t need to be outgoing to have a job.. People with all kind of personalities hold jobs.

jesyka · May 10, 2024, 11:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

Just on this point of too much cologne, you know, I can see how under stressful relationship circumstances asking a spouse/partner such a question, could trigger a negative response unfortunately. But, no, you weren't wrong to ask him that question, obviously it's up to him how he chooses to reply. To me, you should be allowed to tell him it smells bad too, that's useful knowledge if it's coming from a lady, in my opinion... Wishing you guys more peace jesyka.🙏

True. He definitely overreacted to me. He was like, stop complaining, you complain to much, ugh.

jesyka · May 10, 2024, 11:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

If my husband started using bad cologne all of a sudden, I’d certainly let him know. I don’t want my husband to embarrass himself smelling bad. Just something in the wording appeared to be bothersome to me

I’d have hard time depending on someone who doesn’t pay bills on time. Very stressful

You don’t need to be outgoing to have a job.. People with all kind of personalities hold jobs.

How would you word things then? A lot of job postings specifically list, looking for outgoing or bubbly people.

I always skip those job posts postings.. I have a better chance of keeping this job as I’ll be by myself most of the time driving.

I’ll have minimal interaction with the restaurant staff & the clients. I won’t be expected to socialize that much with people, but I’ll still be cordial & friendly of course.

divine1966 · May 11, 2024, 04:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

How would you word things then? A lot of job postings specifically list, looking for outgoing or bubbly people.

I always skip those job posts postings.. I have a better chance of keeping this job as I’ll be by myself most of the time driving.

I’ll have minimal interaction with the restaurant staff & the clients. I won’t be expected to socialize that much with people, but I’ll still be cordial & friendly of course.

If cologne is that bad smelling I don’t think it’s helpful to use less of it. Probably a good idea of not using it at all. I don’t know what and how I’d say it honestly. I tell my husband about what he’s wearing all the time.lol

I honestly never saw “bubbly and outgoing” as a requirement for a job unless it’s a very specific task like working in a Disney Land. What would quiet and introverted people do? Be unemployed and homeless? They have bills to pay just the same. I do agree that someone less outgoing isn’t going to choose a career in a circus, but they work and pay bills just the same.

I have two nephews with completely opposite personalities. One is very outgoing and charismatic and the other is quiet and introverted. Both employed just the same. One isn’t more successful than the other.

You don’t need to be bubbly to eat, which is the main reason we work

Have Hope · May 11, 2024, 07:47 AM

Sorry, but if you have to worry about exactly how to word a statement to your husband about his cologne being too much, then you’re walking on eggshells around him so as not to set him off. You should be able to give that feedback without him flipping out or turning on you. The fact that you can’t give very simple feedback and make a very simple request is ridiculous. I’ve been reading your posts for a long time. This man is an abuser and you are in an abusive marriage. Period. You’re being abused and mistreated. Rather than trying so hard to figure out how to word something so he doesn’t explode, figure out how you can leave him. This marriage is not healthy for you.

MuddyBoots · May 11, 2024, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Sorry, but if you have to worry about exactly how to word a statement to your husband about his cologne being too much, then you’re walking on eggshells around him so as not to set him off. You should be able to give that feedback without him flipping out or turning on you. The fact that you can’t give very simple feedback and make a very simple request is ridiculous. I’ve been reading your posts for a long time. This man is an abuser and you are in an abusive marriage. Period. You’re being abused and mistreated. Rather than trying so hard to figure out how to word something so he doesn’t explode, figure out how you can leave him. This marriage is not healthy for you.

Exactly what I was thinking, word for word on the "walking on eggshells" part. My kinda roommate's bf is like that, and I'm trying to get her to leave him because I see it's just not right. He even treats me like crap. Tells me something offensive, I say something I don't feel is overreacting, then he says stuff like "you're crazy, I didn't say anything like that, stop twisting my words." And that's just to me. I can only imagine what he does to her behind closed doors.

From my experience in relationships like that, it doesn't get better. Hell, if the dude is REALLY no bueno, it just escalates and escalates and one day you find yourself in some serious danger.

I don't care how much you "care for him," or feel the need to keep the marriage going because you committed to him. He's causing unnecessary stress through mental abuse, and you have to get away from him.

Discombobulated · May 11, 2024, 02:30 PM

I don’t think it’s within you or anyone else to alter his behaviour. He’d have to want to change, and it doesn’t sound like he feels change is necessary.

If he was open to listening you could try in a calmer moment asking if you two could talk and explaining how you feel about his behaviour using “I feel” statements. But this might not work if he’s entrenched in ignoring and dismissing you.

jesyka · May 11, 2024, 02:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

If cologne is that bad smelling I don’t think it’s helpful to use less of it. Probably a good idea of not using it at all. I don’t know what and how I’d say it honestly. I tell my husband about what he’s wearing all the time.lol

I honestly never saw “bubbly and outgoing” as a requirement for a job unless it’s a very specific task like working in a Disney Land. What would quiet and introverted people do? Be unemployed and homeless? They have bills to pay just the same. I do agree that someone less outgoing isn’t going to choose a career in a circus, but they work and pay bills just the same.

I have two nephews with completely opposite personalities. One is very outgoing and charismatic and the other is quiet and introverted. Both employed just the same. One isn’t more successful than the other.

You don’t need to be bubbly to eat, which is the main reason we work

I agree with what you said. I have seen a few ads tyat require people to be outgoing & bubbly for office jobs in my area.

To me it feels good like it’s discrimination. I’ll always oass on those ads.

jesyka · May 11, 2024, 02:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Sorry, but if you have to worry about exactly how to word a statement to your husband about his cologne being too much, then you’re walking on eggshells around him so as not to set him off. You should be able to give that feedback without him flipping out or turning on you. The fact that you can’t give very simple feedback and make a very simple request is ridiculous. I’ve been reading your posts for a long time. This man is an abuser and you are in an abusive marriage. Period. You’re being abused and mistreated. Rather than trying so hard to figure out how to word something so he doesn’t explode, figure out how you can leave him. This marriage is not healthy for you.

I agree with everything that you’ve said. He can’t handle any emotion of mine that isn’t positive.

Also, he is like a robot. He doesn’t seem to ferl wny empathy for anyone. It’s like he only understands what it’s like to be hungry, tired, hot & horny, ugh.

jesyka · May 11, 2024, 02:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Exactly what I was thinking, word for word on the "walking on eggshells" part. My kinda roommate's bf is like that, and I'm trying to get her to leave him because I see it's just not right. He even treats me like crap. Tells me something offensive, I say something I don't feel is overreacting, then he says stuff like "you're crazy, I didn't say anything like that, stop twisting my words." And that's just to me. I can only imagine what he does to her behind closed doors.

From my experience in relationships like that, it doesn't get better. Hell, if the dude is REALLY no bueno, it just escalates and escalates and one day you find yourself in some serious danger.

I don't care how much you "care for him," or feel the need to keep the marriage going because you committed to him. He's causing unnecessary stress through mental abuse, and you have to get away from him.

Sorry to hear that. I can’t leave my husband because of finances unfortunately. I wish that I could.

jesyka · May 11, 2024, 03:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I don’t think it’s within you or anyone else to alter his behaviour. He’d have to want to change, and it doesn’t sound like he feels change is necessary.

If he was open to listening you could try in a calmer moment asking if you two could talk and explaining how you feel about his behaviour using “I feel” statements. But this might not work if he’s entrenched in ignoring and dismissing you.

I’ll try talking to him but it won’t do sny good probably as everything is always my fault or I am ‘raising my voice’ or bring to sensitive’. He thinks that it’s OK for him to raise his voice & yell at me, but sny hint of emotion in my voice is reason n enough for him to dismuss & ignore me.

I think thst he purposely talks over & interrupt me to get me to give up & leave him alone as he has zero interest in having any kind of healthy discussion at all.

It’s like emotions bother him & he can’t deal with any strong emotions that aren’t 100% positive.

MuddyBoots · May 11, 2024, 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

Sorry to hear that. I can’t leave my husband because of finances unfortunately. I wish that I could.

If that's the case I guess it's best to just distance yourself from him as much as you can physically and emotionally. Opening up and being shot down hurts more than just keeping it to yourself and finding other ways to get that out (find some other type of support network whether that be a friend, a therapist, or a support group). If it's possible work on getting on the track to financial independence. If it gets bad to the point you feel you HAVE to leave, you can do it. There are DV programs that will help you get on your feet without relying on him.

He obviously doesn't have a genuine connection to you, so I wouldn't act like you do to him.

divine1966 · May 11, 2024, 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

I agree with what you said. I have seen a few ads tyat require people to be outgoing & bubbly for office jobs in my area.

To me it feels good like it’s discrimination. I’ll always oass on those ads.

Some jobs might require you to be outgoing due to nature of the job or company’s expectations. I don’t see it as discrimination. I am tune deaf. If job requires you to sing or play music, I don’t feel discriminated. I know it’s who I am so this job is not for me.

divine1966 · May 11, 2024, 05:08 PM

If your husband is abusive and you don’t have a good relationship, yet cannot leave, then the best course of action is to distance yourself. Keep it to a minimum. Who cares what cologne he uses. Less you talk to him, better it is. Live your life. Until you can leave

Have Hope · May 12, 2024, 02:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

Sorry to hear that. I can’t leave my husband because of finances unfortunately. I wish that I could.

If you see and know that he is abusive but can't leave due to finances right now, I think it may help to learn how to cope with it and manage it versus trying to change his behavior and treatment of you. That won't change.

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