I think my little brother is misogynistic

Hello everyone, this is a throwaway account. As the title says, my brother is violent and misogynistic, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I need advice urgently.

For some context, I’m 22F and live in the Netherlands, which I feel is one of the most feminist and equal countries in the world. Obviously, it’s not perfect, but we’re on the right track toward equality, and I think we just need more time. However, my 19M younger brother doesn’t seem to see things the same way.

Our family is originally from Afghanistan, but my brother and I were born here in the Netherlands. Despite being raised here, he’s developed these extremely misogynistic views, and it’s honestly terrifying to deal with.

His Background
When my brother was eight, our dad (who was very abusive) got deported. While he was awful to most of us, he was surprisingly kind to my brother. Toward the end of his time here, my dad did start changing for the better, but he was still physically abusive to everyone else.

When my dad left, my brother took it really hard. He became lost, and he didn’t have a father figure anymore. Since then, it’s mostly been us—me, my mom, and my sisters—raising him. He has five older sisters (we’re all feminists), and we’ve always tried to guide him to be a kind, non-toxic man who supports equality. Our older brother (who’s 10 years older than my younger brother) wasn’t around much because he left for university, so it was mostly up to us women.

But even from the start, he rejected everything we tried to teach him.

When he was nine, he watched an MMA fight with a Russian Muslim fighter named Zabit. Immediately after the fight, he asked my mom to take him to the library, where he borrowed a ton of books on martial arts and MMA. I begged my mom not to let him read them because I felt like martial arts was just another way for men to exert power over others, but my mom let him. He read all the books within a week.

After that, he begged my mom to let him join a nearby wrestling school that also taught sanda (a mix of judo and kickboxing). My sisters and I all protested, but my brother wouldn’t stop crying about it and kept insisting it would be a good outlet for him. My mom finally gave in, even though we were against it.

The gym was run by a Russian Muslim coach who quickly became a father figure to my brother. The coach and his family are really religious, but they’re also extremely kind and have always treated my brother well. In fact, the coach even stepped in to attend my brother’s parent-teacher conferences because my mom (who doesn’t speak Dutch) couldn’t, and none of us had time. My brother also became best friends with the coach’s twin sons, who are his age. The three of them are inseparable and train together constantly.

But as he spent more time with them, my brother’s views started to change—and not in a good way.

By the time he was 16, he started calling himself a “stoic” and claimed he didn’t express negative emotions. He also became really vocal about being Muslim, even though the rest of us don’t practice anymore. One time, we passed by a feminist protest, and a woman asked him if he supported the cause. He flat-out said, “No, I’m a Muslim,” and kept walking.

When I asked him about it later, he said, “I don’t force my views on anyone. Women can do whatever they want as long as it doesn’t hurt others. But I’m free to make my own choices too, and I choose to follow my faith.” He also has this weird stance on abortion—he says he’s against it because of his beliefs but wouldn’t try to change the law because he doesn’t want to control women. I find this so hypocritical because my mom was told to abort him due to health risks, and she refused. He constantly praises her for that decision, but it’s not an excuse to be against abortion rights for others. He said he doesnt believing in forcing others and won't do so but I think he still needs to change.

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The Breaking Point
Recently, my friend joined my brother’s gym. He works there as an instructor along with the twins, and they’re all nationally ranked fighters. But during one class, my brother refused to wrestle a girl, saying it “goes against his beliefs” to touch or even look at unrelated women in that way. His coach supported him, which makes it worse.

I don’t know what to do anymore. He’s so resistant to anything I or my sisters say, and because of his size and demeanor (he’s 6’5”, 230 pounds, and incredibly strong), it’s impossible to argue with him without feeling intimidated. My other brother has tried talking to him too, but he doesn’t think my younger brother’s views are that bad.

I’m scared of where this is heading, and I don’t know how to get through to him. Any advice would mean a lot.

I dont really see a problem. He has his own beliefs but he doesnt force them on others. All you can do is continue to lead your own life, setting a good example and hope he sees it.

I think you've been way too invested in trying to program your younger brother's thinking. You really need to let go. Your concern should focus on not tolerating abusive behavior from your brother toward you. I fail to see where that's been a problem. I'm inclined to agree with your older brother that your younger brother's views aren't all "that bad."

Trying to control another person's thinking is probably a waste of time. You and your sisters have a right to not be treared in a violent or intimidating manner by your brother. Focus on behavior, rather than on thinking. What he thinks is his business. You seem to be taking great offense that your brother is not a feminist. He doesn't have to be. You have no right to require that of him. Stand up for your rights and don't tolerate him infinging on them. That will have greater impact than you preaching to him about "equality."

I actually think it's kind of admirable of your 6'5", 230# brother to not want to wrestle girls.

As others have posted, you have no right to control another's beliefs.
You can talk to him if he is open to it about his beliefs, and how yours are different and why. That does not have to entail making him wrong. Be open. Hear him.

You have decided that your beliefs are right, and his are wrong. That is a surefire way to push him away. Encourage him to see the beauty in his religion, which may be what he is looking for.

Just as you want your own beliefs to be honored, his should also be honored. You don't want to push him into a defensive mode. No one deserves that.

Why did that woman ask a passer-by if he supports her cause? I mean, he was just walking past a demonstration, minding his own business, and suddenly such an intrusion. How is it better than when Jehovah's witnesses knock on my door or Greenpeace tries to block me from crossing a busy street and then they give me that broad fake smile and ask to sign a petition? Granted, I have never walked immediately by a demonstration and maybe that woman's behavior is normalized with that particular context, but just off the cuff to me it seems like interfering with the privacy of another.

Substantively, I agree with all the above posters and most emphatically with Rose in that your brother, given his physique, should not wrestle with girls.

When you start your story, you did not want your brother to read certain books. That alone was a red flag to me, especially given that it is not the case that the books call for flat out terrorism.

Better focus on your own life and leave the younger brother alone. You did not present any valid concern, any objectionable behavior that your brother engaged in vis-a-vis you, your mother or sisters.

I think his religion and dedication to his father are his base. You can not impact him more, there is no room (now at least) for another opinion. And you are a woman, and he is misogynistic, which makes this nearly impossible.
I would mind my own business because I tried to communicate with relatives who were different and not good for me. I started to feel well only after I dropped the idea and started to speak with people who were good for me and my well-being.

Typically wrestling categories are very strictly defined by weight of participants. Someone of 6’5” and 230b would only be asked to wrestle someone of the same size. His coaches are strange asking him to wrestle smaller people. It’s dangerous.

But even if these girls were miraculously of the same weight and height, it’s perfectly fine for him not to wrestle women if it’s against his belief . I understand you don’t practice Islam but he does, so I’d respect that

You can’t change other people’s views and beliefs. As long as he’s not mistreating you, I see no reason for you trying to change his views.

To all honesty some of the views your brother expresses are very mature. He has beliefs but isn’t imposing them on others. Like he’s against abortions but wouldn’t make it into a law because he doesn’t want to control women. That’s respectful

I think maybe you can learn something from his way of handling thungs. You can have your beliefs but you don’t have to impose them on others.