My brother #2

I don't understand what is wrong with me asking my brother for help putting groceries away when he is just sitting on the computer and plays video games all day.

I have asked for help in these situations with him before. I would like to see what others approaches would be around someone that gets upset easily.

I would like to talk to him about it but I feel like I would be let into drama; which the best choice most likely would be to disengage. I want to ask "I don't understand what is wrong with me asking for help?" or say "I see that you get irritated when I ask for help; I don't understand the problem here, how can we resolve this so that I would not get yelled at?"

He most likely would tell me because you are *****y. He goes off every time and says because I'm tired of your *****ing. Then I do get upset and you can tell I'm irritated in my voice. I don't yell unless his yelling continues; I admit then my voice turns into yelling. Which I forgive myself because it is only human for that to happen around someone angry. I need to let my mind realize it's not me it's him. (Be in the present)

Next time I'm thinking of asking for help and stay as calm as can be. I will work on taking deep breathes and then ask one those questions up above. Or like I have said before maybe take a confrontational approach and best prepare myself so I do stay more calm and see what his point of view is, why he goes off. Tell him that "I feel frustrated when you start yelling at me when I ask for help. I do not like it I feel uncomfortable and want this to be resolved." If he goes off then I'll tell him. "No, I feel it is better to discuss issues that involve close people so they can be resolved." Then if he continues. Let him yell and then walk away after he is done and say "I do care about you though we can talk more about this later, I see you are angry."

I just thought of another thing to say: If I do start yelling because I feel frustrated around the destructive behavior I will say "Oh man, now I'm yelling, we can talk more about this later" then disengage. I think it would be better so it won't lead to a bad argument.

I am posting this to say: I have a feeling I will not be able to help with my brothers behavior. I feel as though by me confronting or saying anything that it doesn't go through his head. I didn't think about it this way. I just need to move out is the answer, which is a number one priority to get my own life back on track.

All that goes through his head is drama. I need to disengage anytime that he throws a fit or speak softly saying: "I see that you are angry." Then just walk away. Or "I don't agree" and give one sentence reason if it is something that isn't true. Just one sentence phrases each time and walk away. Because I will only harm myself by continuing to try to discuss.

By reading this article it made me think more logically into behavior and feelings:
How to Switch Off an Angry Person | World of Psychology

I'd ask your mom, to ask him for you, at this rate. It's her household to run. If he's not going to be an active participant, as an adult, living at home, then it's up to both your parents, actually, to have a talk with him...

Not sure, there really is a diplomatic way, to ask your brother, to help you out, putting away the groceries. You aren't mutually sharing living quarters, you are both under the same roof, by virtue of sharing the same parents.

At least, you will be equipped, to handle, living on your own, when that time comes.

Yes, I do agree on that one. My parents are more authority in this situation and others due to the fact they own this house. I see whoever owns the property and is paying the bills they have more of a right to ask for help.

What will help is what I had last posted. I will also say other things like: "I don't like this yelling." Then walk away. Just say things that are discomforting that he is causing; softly though. Not firm!

I agree with healing for me in letting your parents do the talking due to their authority, maybe that way your brother won't start yelling and if he does your parents can stop him.

But if you do want to do the talking just remember stay calm and if it starts getting into an argument just cut it off and walk away, simple as that.

Cheers

At some point, in my eyes, it's actually ok, to just walk away, without saying a word. You've already expressed this to him. No need to keep repeating the obvious. Or, if you don't need to walk away, just not say anything. Whether, he'll actually get the message is one thing, doesn't really matter, so long as it's not escalating your own emotions, which do matter.

Yes, it might be best to wait and see what he does if I stop asking him. We both are adults living in our parents house and he has the nerve to go off at me when I ask him to help us out.

I do need to remain more calm than normal and lately that hasn't happened. I will wait to see what happens next time. My mom has trouble asking him to do things is the problem and my dad doesn't bother. I understand they need to be more responsible too. I'm even thinking on talking to my mom about becoming more assertive because what I notice is that my family likes to use accusations quite often when they speak. Words slip their mouths and I think no wonder there is quite a bit of yelling.

Thanks though. What helps a destructive person? The answer is a calm person.