[Cree8ing247]

Existing in a 38 year/3 separations marriage that’s beyond grueling to be in. The years and time are zapping by rapidly and it’s absolutely insane to still be in this mess. If it were up to him, he’d exist like this forever. Beyond weird to me. I’ve come to understand after researching emotional, personality, etc disorders. Although I’m one to comprehend the why’s and what!s , I’m about growth with oneself as well as truth. I’ve come to recognize many unpleasant personality traits within my mother and sister that are extremely unhealthy. Like my spouse, there’s a forever inability to take accountability. He’s our $ stability and has threatened behavior that would remove that security if I were to file for D. We live in separate rooms and I don’t speak anymore because I don’t consider him mentally there. I don’t have any friends to support me with this situation. I have 3 family members that have more than enough room for my to stay temporarily, however the toxicity they have would be just as worse to survive through. My mother , her sister ( who’s actually a friend ) But we keep it secret because of my mother’s jealousy. My sister who’s in LaLa land and Never takes accountability. She’s my only sibling. Our 3 children who of course are adults, they have their issues that I completely recognize and no doubt of Why. The most important part of this grueling emotional experience and what feels like I’m living in a trap right now is, I have extremely strong faith and a relationship with Jesus Christ and God. I continue to try for myself to gain financial freedom and independence. I didn’t mention that after going to my sons who lives in OR twice to support his family while he had his 3rd child on the way, literally after my grandchild was born, I also went to help them 2 years ago in WA when his 2nd child arrived / this time because I left 2 days after the baby arrived ( no communication) of how long they needed me/ AND I left before just after a few days with his 2nd child. / He decided I was cruel to do that and has gone no contact since Feb. I was available because I got my Real Estate license 1 year ago. I Was actually studying while tending to his 1st child in WA while the 2nd was arriving .
This reality is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to endure. I promise it is by God’s mercy that I’m able to thrive still. It’ feels as though I’m being hard pressed for whatever His Will or purpose is.? I can still smile and engage with other’s. because that’s who He made me and I don’t take credit for the goodness within myself.

[Have Hope]

That sounds excruciatingly horrible. Do you have an exit plan? Are you strategizing on how to end this horrific marriage and get out? Do you have professional support? A counselor? The answer is to leave this man, and you need support doing it. That is no way to live life. Life is meant to be happy and fulfilling, not miserable. Life is short, my dear, far too short, to be dealing with an awful marriage for so long. I truly hope you can find a way out, and I hope you are praying for this as well.

[Fuzzybear]