[Calla lily12]

Sorry...never mind. I can't talk about this now.

[Calla lily12]

[Calla lily12]

Sometimes it seems my H is deliberately trying to make me look/feel crazy. He'll tell me something I KNOW didn't happen but when I disagree, he says "Okay..." ,"if you say so" Just yesterday,I took my tablet upstairs and was on the bed reading it. He claims I was sound asleep when he looked in the room and I had no tablet. He makes me feel so crazy and I get so mad! If he wants to see crazy, then, Damn, I'll show him crazy!

[Calla lily12]

This is triggering the hell out of me. Maybe for some reason he wants me to be crazy.??? He seems to enjoy it. I asked "why are you doing this to me"?
I got a letter in the mail that looked like a scam. I showed it to him and he said that I've gotten those before. I would have remembered if I did. I never got anything like that before. Ok....I've had ECT and he likes to use that as an excuse. He was never like this. Now I feel he tries to make me look incompetent . He says " I'm worried about you"! He infantalises me and I hate it. I came close to either walking out or doing something to hurt myself.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm so sorry

[eskielover]

Maybe time for a GOOD marriage councellor. Sounds like he needs help processing your ECT, cause it seems like it may have changed the way he views & values you as a person let alone his wife

That needs to be resolved because the longer these dysfunctional behaviors continue it just creates more dysfunctional issues in the marriage

[Have Hope]

I am so sorry you are experiencing gaslighting from your own husband! It is beyond maddening, I know, because I've been there with my ex husband. What other abusive behaviors does your husband exhibit? Gaslighting is a part of abuse and is in the abuser's repertoire of abuse tactics. That's why I ask if there are other similar abuse tactics happening in your dynamic with him.

I hate to say this, but in all honesty, the gaslighting does not just stop if you tell him he's doing this to you. I am concerned for you. This is a huge RED FLAG and indicates something far deeper going on.

[Calla lily12]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I am so sorry you are experiencing gaslighting from your own husband! It is beyond maddening, I know, because I've been there with my ex husband. What other abusive behaviors does your husband exhibit? Gaslighting is a part of abuse and is in the abuser's repertoire of abuse tactics. That's why I ask if there are other similar abuse tactics happening in your dynamic with him.

I hate to say this, but in all honesty, the gaslighting does not just stop if you tell him he's doing this to you. I am concerned for you. This is a huge RED FLAG and indicates something far deeper going on.

Honestly there are no other abusive behaviors. For the most part, we are good together. That's why I was so shocked that he did this.

[Calla lily12]

Thank you Eskie. I've spoken to my analyst about this, so he's aware.

[Blueberrybook]

Have you spoken to your husband about how it makes you feel when he says things in that way? Even if you did forget something (not saying you did but just as a suppose), there are more tactful ways to say things that would be much less hurtful to you. Can you talk to him about it and perhaps about the way he words things?

[Calla lily12]

Yes we had a long talk the other night. He seems to understand and said he was
sorry. I know my memory isn't great,( from ECT) but it isn't terrible. He admitted that the way he spoke to me was hurtful.
Thanks for responding, everyone.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

Both old movies are great, not only the famous one from which the term gaslighting sprang into popular culture. Rent the movies and watch them with the husband, but not on the same evening. I'd be curious to learn which one you like better. I rewatch them regularly.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

The famous movie that introduced this term "gaslight," from 1944

The earlier 1940 movie

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Calla lily12

Honestly there are no other abusive behaviors. For the most part, we are good together. That's why I was so shocked that he did this.

But the person you describe and his behaviors sound sadistic. You were also severely triggered. That tells us that something is severely wrong. You saying it is upsetting you so much that you wanted to harm yourself is an alarm bell.

I have my doubts that there are no other abusive behaviors.... I'm not trying to upset you, but is it possible that you are unaware of what more subtle abusive behavior looks like? Often it can be VERY subtle, and can occur practically undetected. Such as mean, cutting, put down remarks disguised as "jokes' for example, or controlling behaviors disguised as "meant to help you".

I am skeptical given what you've already described. Let's say with the tablet example - you had your tablet, yet he lied and told you you didn't and that you were asleep when you weren't. He is lying to you, and knowingly - what would be the purpose of that? To make you feel crazy. And to tell you he is concerned about you? That is him setting you up to appear to be incompetent; the gaslighting is preparing you.

Gaslighting is a form of abuse. Given that alone, I personally think you owe it to yourself to examine it further and not brush it under the rug because he apologized. You also need to look at the fact that he knows it's hurtful - yet he is doing this to you repeatedly.

Again, I don't mean to upset you but I suspect a lot more is going on here.

How long have you been married/together?

[Calla lily12]

We've been married 40 years, and I honestly believe that my H was simply mistaken. He doesn't like to be proven wrong but who does? I appreciate your concern and helpfulness. We're all right. I over reacted.

[Have Hope]

It’s great you addressed it. If he does it again, after speaking with him about it, then you will know it’s deliberate. Words of advice: don’t downplay your reaction. You were justifiably extremely triggered and upset.