It's over- t broke all of my trust

After four years of therapy it is over. In one session. Over...................... I can't breath. I have taken so many sleeping pills this weekend----

Kacey.. we are all here for you if you need to talk. Hang in there and be safe.

Kacey I am so sorry to hear how hurt you are feeling. Can you talk about it with us? Please take care of yourself. We're here for you

What happened?!

I'm so sorry to hear this! If you feel like talking about it you have lots of people here more than willing to listen

(((( HUGS ))))

I feel such pain in your post....I am so sorry. Please know we are here....

((Kacey))

I'd really like to hear what happened.

I'm so sorry, Kacey, that things went so wrong for you in your last session.
I hope that you're able to reach out to your therapist, friends, family, community organizations or here to reconnect! You sound so hurt and alone. Don't stay in that place. Reach out!

I'm so sorry; it sounds like it was something very painful and agonizing for you.
If/when you can or want, tell us what happened.....
In the meantime, please stay safe and be gentle with yourself!

I am sorry it went so wrong.

please talk about this pain here. We are all here for you.

(((((((((Kacey))))))))),

I'm sorry. What happened?

Well this is the nuts and bolts of it. My insurance company sent a letter to me stating that they were not going to cover 2x weekly therapy anymore due to the fact that the diagnosis code the t agency was billing under did not have a need for that number of sessions. I was really upset and scared. We went to twice weekly sessions because I was not able to hold a connection in between appointments. My t said he was going to write an appeal and request for another 8 months and then down to one time per week. I went on a fabulous tropical island vacation and when I came back he was going to have it all prepared.

Side note; When I was on vacation I called him once and he didn't have a client and made me leave him a message per the receptionist. Mind you there is like a 6 hour time difference. Then I emailed him pics and asked specifically for a reply and he never did. I was so angry because of course here I am on my flippin vacation worrying if t was going to email me back. Then I called him as I was returning to ask why he didn't respond. The rule is I have to ask for a response and I did exactly what he said. Also my phone completely died on vacation so I was going to tell him that. When I asked why he didn't return my email request he just gave an excuse that he was busy. Really? How long does it take to type two sentences? I am just telling this because I want to show you all that I knew there was something wrong.

When I got to my appointment he asked if I had anything I wanted to talk about and I said yes. It was important but I knew he had things to cover and I was too anxious so I wanted to get that out of the way first. He started by reading the letter of appeal that he wrote and it went on about my diagnosis and he listed at least 6 some which I was not even aware of but I did not even talk about that. The big punch in the gut was that he requested once weekly therapy and dbt skills for 1 year. I shouted, "THAT IS NOT WHAT THE LETTER IS SUPPOSED TO SAY!!!"

He proceeds to tell me that he has done me a disservice by meeting with me twice a week for so long because I am too attached to him and it is preventing me from making other relationships. He also said then when I call him to ask for reassurance he is not going to give it to me, he is going to encourage me to use my "wise mind".

I left...............I ran out of the door and, I never went back. I didn't go to dbt, which I am out of now since next week will be 4 in a row misses for me anyway. It doesn't matter now because I don't have a therapist anymore and have to have one to be in that group. I didn't return his calls. In fact, he only has my old cell number which only goes directly to voicemail. He doesn't have a number to reach me at anymore and I am glad. I didn't go to my apt on friday that I had set up with the other skills trainer. I didn't return her call either. I am done. I am never going to see either one of them again. I can't trust him anymore. He always said he would never terminate, it would be a joint decision that both of us agreed upon. He just made this decision all on his own so who is to say he won't make up the decision to end on his own either? He is the one who wanted me to be attached and worked so hard for it. I was fine to not be attached to him and I didn't even know what being attached looked like. He is the one that worked hard for me to love and trust him and then when I do?!? WTF?!?

What really sucks is that I never even got to talking about what was really bothering me so I will just put it out here. I was hiking on a mountainous coastline along cliffs and someone was there real close to the edge and I had this huge urge to shove him off the cliff. I looked at him and thought, "Wow, are you ignorant, your life could end right now in the palm of my hand and you have no idea." OMG.... Who thinks of that? It just comes into my head like a bomb. I don't want to hurt people so why do I have this urge?!? Do you know how scary it is to live in a world where you have such awful impulses? I am either going to be in jail or dead soon and I don't even know how to stop it. That is why I have taken over 20 sleeping pills since thursday. I don't trust myself to be awake or even go out the door.

This is totally jerking you around. It sounds unethical. I don't like when DBT is the boss of things, and that's what appears to be happening here, decisions are being made arbitrarily rather than being agreed upon together. How dare he think he could make a decision like that for you?

ETA: okay I just read the rest of your post. I knew I had to do something when I was sitting in my car and watched my first husband walk behind it, and thought to myself, I could just back right over him... it just means you need to take action to change something in your life that is not working. Like pushing this T out of your life? idk what but you do.

Kacey, I hear soo much pain in what you write, please quit taking pills. i wish i had a magical answer for you. Keep writing you are not alone

Thank You Hankster. That's what I needed! I agree. I think that the consultation team did this. That is exactly what I said.

I said, " X did this didn't he?" X is the name of the psychiatrist at the practice that I don't like. I don't even use Dr. when I talk about him.

He said, "No KC, I thought long and hard about this and this is a decision that I made." Well, I think he was just thinking it was a good way to get rid of me. I told him that and he told me to breath in "wise mind" and find the truth. I just stared out the window and told him I didn't feel anything. He was trying to get me to come back into the room and I just bolted. I ran, and ran.

My heart is broken. I really loved this man. Not in the kind of love that is romantic or weird or anything. It was a love that formed because he has raised me in a sense. It is a betrayal to me. I would rather be beaten again than feel this pain. My heart is sinking and it physically hurts really bad.

Kacey, I don't know what to say except I am so sorry this is happening.

((((( KACEY )))))

How awful!!!! I am SO sorry about the pain that you're enduring right now. I imagine it's intolerable, and I wish I could do something to help ease it. It seems, right now, that nothing could possibly be enough....Please know that we are here.

This is practically word-for-word what my exT said to me after talking with her consultation group! WTF? We'd been meeting twice weekly for 15 months with her never having doubted it. And the reassurance that I sometimes NEEDED she stopped cold turkey giving. There is some seriously effed up psychology movement out there that intercedes when therapists go to consultation groups and talk about their patients, has them completely change their ways and enact new rules over night without consulting the patient. The thing is that this is traumatic and abusive to those of us who spent time and energy building up trust. I've learned to really distrust the notion of consultation as some therapists do it. We are not cases, we are people, and if you do not know how to deal with a client, figure that out early on before any attachment happens.

I'm so sorry for you Kacey. but what I can say is that my story had a happy ending because I found an amazing T who meets with me 2x / week, emails, texts, and calls me back and even today squeezed me in for an extra session bc something difficult came up. Such Ts do exist. I made sure when I was interviewing new Ts to only get an appt with people who had been in practice for at least 20 years so that they'd have loads of experience and would be likely to rely on consultation groups. In fact, given my crappy last experience my T made a deal that she consults with ME first and if she wants to consult with someone else, she lets me know/asks in advance.

I wish sometimes that ethical boards could cover such situations. You were so brave to get out of this relationship! After my T dropped the bombshells on me (there were about 5), I stayed with her, which caused me immeasurable pain that I'm still working through almost 2 years later...

Take care of yourself.

((((Kacey)))) what your T did abd how he did it was beyond crappy. You had an agreement that he would respond to your emails, you were in crisis, and he didnt. Also, before you left , he was going to ask for two week sessions. Upon returning, he' s had a brain transplant and without warning or preparation , surprise, no support outside the office and you meet once a week. Even if what he said is true, and i dont know if it is, even if he has done you a disservice abd made you dependent, then he shpuld have in the very least, still honored your agreement and responded to your email. Then maybe cut down on the sessions or explain if the decision was out of his hands. It sounds like maybe the pdoc and insurance company made it impossible for him to appel for 2 times a week, but the way he handled it was horrendous. I'm so sorry. Please stay safe. Be careful, you can O.D. on tjose pills by accident. ((((Kacey)))

I know I am under the influence of too many different sleeping pills right now but that had me giggling. Thanks. I won't be awake much longer since I took another handful of drugs. Sleep is the only thing that stops the physical pain of heart-sinking sadness.

Thank you for your supportive words likewater and everyone else. I just can't reply to everyones post right now. I was really debating whether to write about it or just isolate myself. I am feeling better hearing from all of you guys.

Sorry. He sounds like a bag of douche.

Hey, at least you know it can only get better from here on out, right??

Careful with those pills.

"When a man does something he is ashamed of he says it is his duty."

I got this "disservice" speech from my T when she cut off my email privileges. She said she had let it go on too long because she thought it was helping me. She'd been thinking about it and decided it wasn't.

What I think really happened was that she just couldn't bear the constant hatemail. She admitted that was a factor, but I believe it was the whole story.

This is something I need to revisit.

Nevertheless, I have accepted her ruling and I have forgiven her.

Oh no, Kacey, I'm so sorry your T went back on his word to you and you are hurting so badly

Something similar happened to me and T two years ago. Like you, I was picking up for a couple of weeks that something wasn't right. I walked in to my session and she said 'happy birthday'. I knew somehow that she was about to break me, and I told her it wasn't my birthday- didn't want to give her that extra power somehow. In that hour, she told me that everything she had done with me had been a mistake. She had been 'too available' to me. She had self-disclosed too much. She had been too flexible in her use of email. On reflection, she 'realised' that these actions on her part had made me idealize the relationship with her and led to me experiencing intense feelings towards her. She was going to be Different from Now On. Indeed, I was right in what I'd picked up- she'd already started. It was terribly painful. The only time I have ever left the room before the end of the session. I sat for hours on the stairs because I was afraid of what I would do if I moved. I remember my partner and T standing over me impatiently on the stairs. It was my birthday.

The most awful part was that she downplayed what had happened, and couldn't understand why I was so devastated. I wrote her a letter addressing each of the things she felt she had done 'wrong'. I cited her own emails and texts back to her, month by month, showing how she had led me to trust her that the intense contact and feelings were 'part of the process'. I pointed out that either she had been wrong in everything she had done up till now, or she was wrong now- either way, it was natural that I would be terribly upset.

I honestly thought it was the end. I sent her the letter. At the last minute, I went to my next scheduled session, because something in me still couldn't stay away from her. At that session, I came to the decision that I wanted to change therapists. She said I would have to put the request in writing. I left so distressed that I bought razor blades, but then returned to T's building as I felt safer there. I sat in the toilets and wrote the letter. I still remember the lime green felt tip pen- it was all I had. As time went on, I realised I was unable to get home safely, and contacted T. By the time she got back to me, she realised that I was now locked in the building (I had assumed the door would always open from the inside). T was on the other side of the city with a young baby and didn't drive. Her husband- the last person in the world I'd ever wanted to have dealings with- had to come to let me out and put me in a taxi. Even thinking of it now fills me with horror.

The next day, I apologised. I understood the enormity of what T had done- as a teenager in a psychiatric hospital I made false allegations of sexual abuse against most of the adult males in my life. T had sent her husband into a dark building at night with someone who she knew had done this. T said it didn't matter at all, she knew it had been a mistake, it would never have occurred to her to think otherwise (none of this attention seeking manipulation dialogue that many therapists are more comfortable with). She said she hadn't even thought about it leaving her husband (and therefore her family) vulnerable- she trusted me.

That was the day that I knew I would go back. T had thought the best of me, so I would think the best of her. It was a deliberate decision. It didn't make it easy- I was wary for many months. We didn't talk about what had happened. I didn't really know the score. We just went forward- but it made it possible. We only really addressed what had happened on her daughter's birthday six months later, when I realised that I couldn't bear the thought of T giving her daughter a happy birthday when what she had given me was pain pain pain. I had to ask T what on earth had happened. She said that she had been following her instincts in terms of treating me, then particular events had made her anxious, and as a result she had tried to revert to more rigidly theoretically adherent practice. She had soon realised this was a mistake and had tried hard to repair it.

I'm sorry this is so very long. And all about me. It felt important to tell you that T and I have been where you and your T are, and come back from there. But if it hadn't been for a random occurrence (getting locked in her building) I don't think we would have done. It was only our continued contact that gave us a chance to really see and hear the other person. I wrote her a letter. T said about that letter- 'I did know there was a lot of validity in what you subsequently wrote to me and reading what you wrote upset me a lot because I knew it was valid and that I had hurt you without meaning to'... 'Your letter crystalised the realisation that it had been a mistake and also reminded me of previous situations when a similar thing had happened when working with one or two people in the past'. It was the same for me, in that getting locked in brought out the side of T that I needed to see and be reminded of, so that I could reframe what had happened from that perspective.

How can you and your T see and hear each other from here?

Yep, I agree with Improving, I think you should go back.

Honestly, if I were going to sit down and write out the worst way a therapist could handle this thing, it would be close to exactly what your therapist did.

I'm not saying that his actions were right or appropriate. I would be blazingly hurt if my therapist, not only didn't deliver on a promise, but totally reversed position seemingly out of the blue.

It's a total bag of crap and he left it right on your doorstep.

However, people make mistakes and therapists are people. Stuff like this happens all the time in dealing with people.

Yeah, we could say that this derails the whole shabang, but in actuality, we get to go back into the relationship and slog it out with them. It's how sustained, meaningful and beneficial relationships are forged. We get to have that. We don't have to run.

It's usually worth it to stick it out, but there are no guarentees. I would at least go back in there and try to work through the problem.

Also regarding the guy on the cliff... I think you might be very very surprised at how many people harbor those thoughts. It doesn't mean that you are screwed up, but rather entirely human. The fact of the matter was that you didn't push the guy.

I think this will all work out. I really do. It hurts, I get that, but I don't think it's worth cashing out.