Am I a bad Person? Toxic Relationship? What am I doing wrong?

Hi,
I had a really tough day and feel emotionally drained.

I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, avoidant personality disorder, depression, and body dysmorphia — all before the relationship I’m about to mention. I’ve always struggled with trust, self-worth, and connection, often feeling broken or hard to love.

My only friend and I sometimes use amphetamines together. She’s been stopped by the police twice for driving under the influence. Before the second time, I told her not to drive, but she ignored me and even said she enjoys it. We got stopped again, and she got in trouble.

Today, I asked her to drive me home because my ex canceled last minute and I didn’t know how else to get home. She exploded, screaming that if she lost her license because of me, she’d spit on me. She blamed me for the second police stop, said I don’t care about her or her license, and that we’re not real friends. That hurt deeply. I try to be kind and supportive, but she lashes out at me while being nice to others. I feel like I’m never enough.

My ex, who was sexually violent and emotionally abusive, contacted me again after a year of trying to reconnect by calling my family and friends. I didn’t want anything from him but responded to be polite. Today, I asked him to pick me up from my friend’s because I didn’t know how to get home. He agreed, then canceled last minute and told me to stop calling or he’d block me. I told him I’ve seen other men, and he said, “There are enough other men who can pick you up.”

I don’t understand people. I try to be good and respectful but keep ending up in toxic situations. People leave, get angry, or treat me like I’m worthless. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I feel too sensitive, needy, or just too much. I just want connection and peace but feel like I’m not good enough.

I must be doing something wrong. I have no friends, or they tell me how awful I am, do me dirty, and then leave. It can’t be a coincidence that this keeps happening to me — maybe I really am a bad person and a bad friend.

If you’ve ever felt like this or have advice, I’d appreciate it. Thanks for reading.

Welcome to MSF @deiacapp - I am sorry your friend is blaming you for their own behavior. That must be frustrating.

Hope you find some other areas of MSF interesting as well https://mysupportforums.org/ New Members is a good place to do an intro post as well.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please tag me by including @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

It would help to establish better boundaries.

For one, avoid getting into vehicles with people who are under the influence. This is not safe.

Secondly, do not keep in contact with people who are any of the following "sexually violent and emotionally abusive" just to be 'polite'. Such people do not deserve your 'politeness'.

Otherwise, you will inevitably end up getting hurt. Again. Seeking healthier relationships would be the first step.

When making friends is tough, we can be tempted to put up with anything, just to have a friend. I've been there, done that. It can seem like anyone is better than no one. That is how we set ourselves up for experiences that wound. These so-called "friends" notice our weakness, fear and vulnerability. They get pushy because they think we'll tolerate anything. Our response might be to try harder to be nicer. That just invites more disrespect.

You say that you responded to an abusive ex because you wanted to be "polite." That's like wearing a tee-shirt that says, "Kick me, and I'll grovel at your feet." or "Abuse me, and I'll lick your hand." Maybe one of your parents taught you that being "polite" and "nice" is what's most important in life. It isn't. You separated from your ex for very good reasons. That should have been the end of him being in your life. But you felt you needed him because "how else would you get home?" That is a case of wrong-headed neediness. Sometimes it's better to make your own way, even if that means walking 10 miles. If you're going to depend on low-quality persons to meet your needs, you are going to be in one jam after another.

These persons don't respect you, partly because they believe you don't respect yourself. That's the signal you give off when you tolerate miserable behavior. They're not going to change. Who they are is who they are. Get away from people like that. At the very least, depend on them for nothing. You won't have room in your life for worthwhile people, until you stop spending time and energy on jerks. You have a right to notice that someone is a jerk. It dosn't mean you have to attack them. Just put more distance between them and you. I realize it could get very lonely without your one-and-only friend. Being lonely won't kill you. It's the short-term price you pay to maintain your dignity and to be open to a better class of friends. Crap friends are the easiest kind to find. At some level, you've been telling yourself that you better just take what you can easily get. That's a good way to not get near better people. Plus, it gets you branded as being of not much value, yourself.

You sound young. Think about getting further education or training in something that will lead to a decent job. It's a great way to meet people worth knowing. Also, it could lead to you earning enough income to be able to buy a car of your own. You want to increase your independence and not feel your needs can only be met by you begging other people to help you.