How can I patch things up?

I got into a fight the other day with my boyfriend about something that really wasn't all that important. Looking back on it now, I don't even remember why it was that I was fighting to so much... I guess I just didn't want him to win, because it makes me feel stupid. And he gets such a rush out of it.

We dont' fight all that often, but when we do, geez, it seems so big and all..... I don't think it's a serious problem in our relationship, but I would like to think about things that can be done to stop it when it happens. Without backing down......

Learning to communicate with our significant others is probably one of life's most difficult lessons to learn. I mean, we just weren't taught in school communication skills (well, most of us weren't). We learn it very informally, in our social interactions with our parents, peers, and others. Because of this, it's difficult to say that one person is at the same level of communication with another.

So when we get into new relationships (or want to improve existing ones), both parties have to learn how the other person says things, and what they really mean. People are rarely as direct as, "I want this emotionally, and I need this spiritually... " etc. etc.

Relationships -- and arguments -- aren't about who "wins," since both people are ultimately losers if the relationship doesn't work out because one person always has to be right. Learning to give up those fights which hold no meaning is one way to get started. Usually if both people don't try to do this at the same time, though, it won't work. Both need to be committed to changing the way they fight, live, and communicate. It takes work and vigilence, and you won't always get it right on the first try. But all you and the other person can do is try.

Good luck,
John

I couldn't agree with you more. I am married to someone who is always right. Things have to be done his way. And should I think differently, well, he seems to think how could I be so stupid. It gets to become a normal reaction to have "shields up" in response to such an "attack"over even the littlest things.

Ann

Dr. John,

May I quote you to another support group or is this not permitted?

dd

Sure, be my guest! A link to the original post (so they can see the context of the quote) is always appreciated, but not required...

John