[LMo]

I don't want to get too wordy about this, but for those of you that followed my "Red-Headed Stepchild" threads, here's an update.

Brief history - my stepmom and I have a terrific relationship and I love her very much, but she also has 2 other kids. She and I have a great time together but she invariably and unapologetically will cancel plans with me if one of her kids subsequently invites her to do something on the same date. Both of my biological parents are deceased, so this is it for me.

I, as the Trustee of my dad's estate, have to buy my stepmom a house according to the Will/Trust agreement that she had set up for him after his brain cancer surgery. I will own the house, but she gets to live in it for the rest of her life. Up until this weekend, she had said that she planned to live in the city close to me and one of my stepbrothers (he and I live in the same neighborhood).

However, now that we're getting things squared away with the estate, we had a conference call this weekend and she revealed that not only has she already picked out a house, but it's 45 minutes away from me; 3 miles from my other stepbrother, who is expecting her 2nd grandchild. She also wants me to buy her the new house now, before the old house is sold, but that is out of the question - I'm not taking that risk.

But my main point is - her preference is clear. Intellectually, I do "get" why she feels closer to her biological children/grandchildren than she does to her stepfamily. I was a stepmom myself for 6 years, so I know the difference. But, if I, a 38-year old adult, still feel tremendously hurt that I'm not as valued as her own kids, how will I convince my little daughter, who I'm due to deliver in 2 months, that "Grandma" does love her as much as her other grandkids, if my stepmom continues such obvious favoritism?

Would I be better off just not going down that path? Maybe I should start referring to my stepmom as "Aunt X" instead of "Grandma"? I know that my stepmom will be offended at this, but at this point, I guess I care more about how my daughter feels than how my stepmom does, given how much she's cared about my feelings.

What do you think?

[nothemama8]

It hurts to be second best, but why should she have first say of where the house will be, can't you pick the site and explain that it's the best option, just tell baby girl that stepgrandma is Nana (then her name)

[Rapunzel]

Any chance you could talk to your stepmom about your concerns, and what you are thinking? Maybe you could lay it out for her and give her a choice. You could tell her that you want her to be your daughter's grandma, but you don't want your daughter to be hurt, in case grandma doesn't act like your daughter is her real granddaughter, because kids pick up on that stuff even if they don't understand the reasons. So then she could choose whether she wants to be a real grandma to your baby, or if she would prefer to be Aunt X instead, and you will both acknowlege that there is a difference and accept the relationship as it is. First, however, make sure that you can accept whichever answer she gives. If there is one or the other answer that you won't be able to live with, then the other is probably your choice.


Rap

[LMo]

Legally, she doesn't have the say in where she lives, but she has also made it clear that she will not have my brother and I dictate where and how she lives. We do have a valid case to fight her on it, but we don't want to fight with her - as I said, she's my only 'parent' now and I want to keep her in my life, even if I have to let go of this fantasy that we'll ever have a true mother-daughter relationship.

I never really got the 'Nana' thing, but she'd probably like that more than 'Aunt'. But do you think that's enough of a differentiation that my daughter will have less expectations of her than I do?

[LMo]

Thank Rap - I can try, but probably not without crying... I'm almost better off just declaring how it will be.

But you're right - that's the more mature way to go about it. Thanks so much - you and Angie have given me good advice, and so quickly, too!

[Perna]

I am a stepdaughter and stepmother both and well understand where you are coming from LMO. I'm so sorry for your hurt.

As a stepmother I make sure to put myself "behind" my stepson's mother, I don't compete at all! Their mother is still alive though, it's a divorce not a death that caused the stepedness. My stepson and daughter-in-law asked my husband and I what we wanted the grandchildren to call us and neither of us "cared" much but left it up to the grandchildren pretty much. I just more or less add "Gran" or "Grand" to the front of my given name. Maybe you could try something like that; either let your daughter figure it out (since presumably she'll only be as close to her stepgrandmother as you are and only see her when you do?) I think she will see the whole picture a little simplier and more "naturally" as she won't be burdened by your past history, it won't be hers. She'll just not see or make a very great connection to her grandmother is all, kind of like some children do where their grandparents are out of town if the grandparents don't make an effort (like it doesn't sound like your stepmother will)?

I had 3 sets of grandparents; my father's, stepmother's and mother's. Because my mother was dead and her parents lived across the country from me I only saw that grandmother once after the age of two or three, when I was twelve or thirteen. I didn't see my grandfather at all after "seeing" him as a toddler. We were pretty much strangers but I have my grandmother's writing desk from 1910 or so and subsequently know a lot more from my study of my genealogy and conversations with other relatives. A lot of my knowledge is because of my stepmother's hard work (she got my father to write my uncle for the desk; made me write grandparents "thank you" notes after holiday gifts were received, etc.) But it was my father's mother who cared for me when I was very young but she lived across the country too and when my father remarried, I was fortunate in my stepmother's mother. Of the three, she is perhaps the one I remember "truest" (although my father's mother was important to me too).

The lesson I think is that your stepmother holds in her own hands how your daughter might think of her? I wouldn't "chase" your stepmother if you're not inclined, wouldn't "call" her much of anything when your daughter is learning to think of her, see what your stepmother does in that direction in her own behalf. I have a friend who calls one of her grandmother's, "Grandmother #2" but with great affection and love, it just turned out that way. I called my mother's mother, "Mrs. Cardin" her married name :-) because she didn't want to be an "old grandmother" and she and my mother's names were the same. The family story is that my oldest brother heard our mother calling for her mother, upstairs, a bit in jest, "Mrs. Cardin!" and picked it up.

[nothemama8]

hmmmmmmm could be we understand what your going through and Love you very much

[Doh2007]

I think all you can do is what's best for you and your husband and children.

My mother does that to me. When my sister calls, Mom disregards our plans and goes with my sister. It hurts like heck.

People tell me this: Don't have any expectations with your mother. I don't exactly know how to do that, but when I can, it saves me grief.

It isn't fair, but I'd rather live in peace. It's led me to become more pragmatic.

[LMo]

Weird - there was another post in this thread earlier and now it's gone.

Guys - thank you all so much. You've all given me a lot to think about, and I see that I have more options than I originally thought I did.

It also helps a lot that so many of you truly seem to understand my hurt feelings. That in itself is a huge comfort. Thank you all so much

[LMo]

I think I wish I still had my real mom I rarely think about my life that way, but I guess what I'm feeling is probably pretty common among daughters who have lost their mom. I had just turned 15 when she died - I really needed a mom then and was so happy when we found my stepmom 2 years later. But as much as I wanted it to be, it's truly not the same.

[wisewoman]

You seem so giving to your stepmom. She has made her priorities clear. Nanna is fine. Please be mindful that your child will not know about Grandparents, it is what you teach her. She will pick up on your feelings so try to stay positive about Step mom around child. Stepmom does not deserve the love of that precious unless she earns it.

[happyflowergirl]

((((LMo))))
I feel for you. I am sorry your father put YOU in that position, it isn't fair to you. If he wanted to take care of your stepmom, he should have done stuff on his own, not put you in this position.

I do think you compare her relationship with her own kids as something negative against you. It seems like you expect something from her that she is unable to give you right now. There is nothing wrong with her wanting to be near her own children, it doesn't mean she doesn't want to be near you.

Have you told her how hurt you feel? I wouldn't let your jealously ruin a good thingk your kids could have with her as a grandma. I saw one grandma only once a year, and I was closer to her than my grandma who lived across town. I even named my daughter after her.
45 mins is really not that big of a deal. My step kids live at least that far from me up to two hours, and we still have a good relationship with them. It isn't that big of a deal unless you make it own. There may be many reasons she wants to move out of town, and it may have nothing to do with her liking one sibling over another. Her other son lives near you, does he feel like his mom is abandoning him also?
Are you in therapy or can you talk to someone objective in this manner.
But I can understand her hurt if she cancels her plan with you to be with them. Have you told her how much it hurts you? I am sorry if I am saying the wrong things, I don't know your whole story.

[BalishBun]

thats a toughie!

[AAAAA]

LMO,

I really wish I had the answer for you. My own daughter has had her heart broken thousands of times by my husband's parents. His mother is gone now, but his father is as retarded as ever. He recently spent 4 days attending continuing eds in her college town at her college, and couldn't be bothered to even call her. It turns out that they ate in the same dining hall. His classes were held literally 50 feet from her dorm room. She didn't know he was there. Thanksgiving dinner, he's sitting right next to her talking to his son in law about who he saw while he was staying there! Broke her heart yet again. You'd think she'd be used of this type of behavior.

I've tried explaining that I'm sure that he doesn't intentionally hurt her feelings. He's just thoughtless and she'll just have to except him the way he is. When he does these things she's 5 years old again. The problem is that she has a cousin 2 weeks older than she. They were the only girls for a long time and it was obvious when they'd take the other granddaughter to do things and leave her behind. Or remember the other girl's birthday and buy her a gift and forget my daughter's entirely.

It was actually easier to explain it to her when she was a child. My kids were the only grandchildren on my side of the family and had all of my parents attention. I told her that she had Nana and Papa (by far more loving terms than grandma and grandpa in our family) and her cousin has grandma and grandpa. She accepted that until she was about 12.

Good luck!

[LMo]

Wow - sorry for the delay on responding to your kind replies. I didn't notice that there had been activity on this thread until now - my apologies.

Happyflowergirl - thanks - I agree - my dad should not have put this responsibility on me, but too late now.

I have talked to my stepmom about how I feel, and she acknowledged that it's easier to feel closer to her biological kids than to a stepchild. Mind you, I didn't even know her until I was 18, so it's not like I grew up with her. I don't blame her - as I said, intellectually, I "get" it. If I still had a mom, I doubt that I would have this strong need for a mother figure in my life.

Wow - I'm just realizing how powerful my feelings are about this - not about my stepmom in particular, but how I probably really never got over my mom's death. I kind of thought I had, but maybe this situation with my stepmom might be bothering me more than I realized, for reasons I never stopped to think about...

Anyway, you raised a good point about my other stepbrother - I don't know if he feels neglected or affected by my stepmom's preference to live near her other son. I don't think he does, but then again, he still has his dad, and two other women that he has a "stepmom" relationship with (his dad recently divorced and remarried a woman that he had dated in high school". He has never lost a parent, so that's reminding me that it might be bothering me significantly more because I have no biological parents left.

AAAAA - that's interesting about things being easier to explain to your daughter when she was a child as opposed to as a teen/adult. I would have thought the opposite, but your words are reassuring.

Thanks again everyone - you've given me a lot to think about...

[happyflowergirl]

Just wondering, were you allowed to grieve the loss of your mother? In some cases like this, the child takes over for the mother and the other parent thinks things are okay because the child is so strong. I could be way off. But you know what, it is okay to grieve for you mom now.
I am sure your stepmom is bringing back hurt that you felt when your mom died. It makes sense really. But is sounds like you enjoy her even after all these years. Maybe you two can work out a good relationship between the both of you that both of you are happy with. I hope you are okay. (((((LMo)))))))
My dad died in 1999, and I am finding I am grieving some now for the first time in years. I am 39, and sometimes you just want your parent, my dad in my case. Take care of yourself.

[LMo]

Thanks for helping me work through this, Happyflowergirl. It wasn't that I was forbidden to grieve my mom's death, but it did seem as though there wasn't much time to do so. My dad worked 3000 miles away Monday-Friday, and I had to manage the house, my younger brother, plus school (I had just turned 15). I don't remember grieving much, but it just seemed as though it was inevitable and wasn't something I could control. I do remember, though, that my dad was upset one evening and told me that if I hadn't been such a difficult adolescent, my mom would have been less stressed and able to quit smoking (she died of lung cancer). In retrospect, I'm pretty pissed off at him for saying something like that to his own child, but I don't remember what kind of reaction that I had. I don't think I bought into his guilt trip, though.

Until this summer, I don't remember ever "wishing" that my mom hadn't died. My husband and I went back to my dad's house in July to clean out the attic, and I found a lot of mementos that brought back memories of her, and for the first time in over 20 years, I cried myself to sleep wishing that she was still alive so that I could have known her better.

I was thinking about this all a lot today, and realized that the problem is not my stepmom's behavior. The problem is that my expectations of her are probably not realistic given our situation. I guess there are some things that I just need to learn to accept.

Thanks, all of you, for helping me realize this