[confused_one]

aloha all! things have come to a head recently between my husband and myself. we had an argument over the phone, and i hung up on him and didn't answer his calls (he always prefers me calling instead of him for practicality's sake, and when he does the calling, it usually means more trouble). so the next morning, i got a call from his mom saying he's in the hospital because of too much alcohol and depression. now i feel so guilty about that because he keeps saying i brought that on him. my behavior has caused all of that; and that i should have just made things easier for him and not "talked back" and i should have just agreed with everything he wanted since he's the one doing EVERYTHING for us.

now i feel guilty because i am starting to think that i was the one who caused all the trouble in the first place. he keeps reminding me that he's gone through so much ever since he met me. when i tell him i have gone through everything with him, he says i'm comparing things again and whatever i have gone through (if any at all) is nothing compared to what he's done and given up for me.

now i feel that i cannot leave him because if i do, he might do something to himself and i don't want to carry that on my conscience.

[Perna]

You may or may not cause "trouble" but you are NOT responsible for your husband and his response to that trouble, ever.

Decide what is good and healthy for you, only. You cannot live for someone else.

[chaotic13]

My father was a drinker and would frequently blame my mother and everyone else for all the wrongs in his life. My mother shouldered the responsibility for his drinking like a true martyr. She cleaned him up, stroked his ego, bowed to is every demand, and made him feel like he was the king of the castle. What I remember most about my childhood was her always feeling guilty, always looking unhappy, and me hating her for being such an idiot. I swore I would never marry a drinker. Unfortunately, what I saw as just a drinking problem must have been something else. Because here I am feeling responsible and guilty for someones' problems and misfortune. My husband doesn't drink but he is an expert at playing the guilt game just the same. And I am excellent at allowing myself to be sucked into. Now I'm hating myself and feeling like the idiot.

You cannot fix him and more than you could have broken him. He is responsible for himself. He can't handle his own guilt and shame so he is pushing it off on you. I know it is easy to say to others, but a lot harder to stop yourself from getting sucked into it. We've got to fight the current, the responsibilities separated.

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now i feel that i cannot leave him because if i do, he might do something to himself and i don't want to carry that on my conscience.

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If you really believe what he says... that it was (is) YOU who is causing him so much grief, and who is causing him to drink or be depressed, who is keeping him from whatever... THEN leaving him might not be such a bad thing... It would be an act of love... you would be setting him free from the burden that is making him depressed.

For me...my conscience only works in one direction... I am responsible for all bad outcomes regardless. Stay...go...either way if things get worse I will be my fault.

Try to take care of yourself (take responsibility for yourself) and let him carry his own guilt.

[Dancer_in_the_light]

An important truth that you have to learn is that you cannot control anyone's actions but your own. You are the only person you are responsible for, because you can't control other people. It's possible that you've caused your husband pain, but he has no right, NONE WHATSOEVER, to make his troubles out to be more than yours. He should be ashamed for trivializing your feelings. All he's doing is putting HIS needs and wants before yours, and that is not love, that is selfishness. It's perfectly alright to stand up for yourself.

If he's so "depressed" (and I use quotes because I think that he's just playing a guilt game) maybe he should see a therapist. You can't carry the burden of his actions. He's a big boy.

mckell13 makes a good point. This relationship doesn't sound healthy for either of you. Maybe some time apart will be good for you.