[chaotic13]

I've been thinking a lot about my marriage this week, trying to figure out if I can continue this way or not. While cleaning my filthy kitchen, this song played and stopped me dead in my tracks. Sadly, I had no one to share this experience with so I'm sharing it here. Just feeling lonely and craving deep conversation in a busy superficial house I guess.

Dixie Chicks
Am I The Only One (Whose Ever Felt This Way) lyrics

There Is No Good Reason
I Should Have To Be So Alone
I'm Smothered By This Emptiness
Lord I Wish I Was Made Of Stone
Like I Fool I Lent My Soul To Love
And It Paid Me Back In Change
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

A Heart That's Worn And Weathered
Would Know Better Than To Fight
But I Wore Mine Like A Weapon
Played Out Love Like A Crime
And It Wrung Me Out And Strung Me Out
And It Hung Years On My Face
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

Now My Sense Of Humor Needs A Break
I See A Shadow In The Mirror
And She's Laughin' Through Her Tears
One More Smile's All I Can Fake

There Is A Wound Inside Me
And It's Bleeding Like A Flood
There's Times When I See A Light Ahead
Hope Is Not Enough
As Another Night Surrounds Me
And It Pounds Me Like A Wave
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

[nothemama8]

Dearheart you are not alone , have felt this way too, the good does out weight(sp) the yucks though hang in there it gets better

[Razzleberry]

Wow, that song is great. Do you happen to know what CD it's on? I have the one where they bashed the Bush thing (lol)....wonder if it's on there.

Not a country fan but they do have some good ones.

[chaotic13]

nothemama8, I hope your right. Right now my pro and con list is pretty lopsided.

Razz, this song is on their Top of the World Live Tour album. Luckily I quickly hit the next button on the ipod when the Erle's Got Die song came on. Just one of those days I guess. At least my house it getting clean.

[sunrise]

I've never heard that song, but I can relate to those lyrics. I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now. Considering what to do about a marriage is heavy stuff. I'm glad you have a therapist who is helping you. Do you feel you have done everything possible to save the marriage? It is such an important decision, it can help ease your mind if you know you have done everything you could.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Right now my pro and con list is pretty lopsided.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I can relate to that. I had to do a pro and con list once as homework in T. I quickly came up with 25 things on my "leave the relationship" list and struggled to find 6 things in the "stay" list. That told me a lot. It's powerful to see it in black in white in front of you.

[chaotic13]

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Sunrise said:
Do you feel you have done everything possible to save the marriage?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I'm working hard, but no I don't think I've done everything possible. Then again, I don't know if I will ever get myself to reach that conclusion in my own mind.

As I've gotten my act together, regained my sense of self, and challenged his behavior our family situation has slowly improved. This provides me with some hope for a future. He is not VBing us anymore and the overall anger level in the house has decreased. He still gets a bit carried away with our youngest's athletic participation and I have to keep a close tabs on this situation. He continues to live vicariously through him and forgets that the boy is only 9. The good news is my son does not endure his father's "feedback" anymore. Unfortunately I still have to hear the lectures on how awful he catches, how poor his coach is, how much of a baby he was when he got hit in the face with a fly ball, how he doesn't pay attention, needs to do this or that....
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I'm glad you have a therapist who is helping you.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> My T has been very kind, patient, and has helped me create a better home environment for my children and for this I am very grateful. Unfortunately I'm not sure if things are better for me. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be.

Therapy has just dug up a lot of stuff that was buried and forgotten for a long time. I've gotten the nightmares to stop, but the emptiness remains. I've changed and I am not sure if I can be true to myself and remain in this relationship. I'm feeling more unhappy and unfulfilled with my marriage. I don't think I love him. I want things that he is not able to provide and he wants things from me which are becoming more and more difficult for me to provide. I guess I am at a point where I need to decide is an empty marriage tolerable.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
mckell13 said:
I am not sure if I can be true to myself and remain in this relationship. I'm feeling more unhappy and unfulfilled with my marriage. I don't think I love him. I want things that he is not able to provide and he wants things from me which are becoming more and more difficult for me to provide. I guess I am at a point where I need to decide is an empty marriage tolerable.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Go slow. The answers will come. My T often talks about how people often "wake up" in their 40s and 50s (I'm not sure how old you are) and realize that life can be better and they want more out of life. They don't want to "settle" anymore and have a gnawing dissatisfaction that begs to be heard and dealt with. Maybe it's something about growing older and realizing that you don't have that many years left, so you better make them count. I don't know. But he says it is a common pattern for both men and women.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Unfortunately I'm not sure if things are better for me. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I'm not sure what you mean, "how it is supposed to be." Who made the rules on how it is supposed to be? Can't you be the one to make your own rules about what your life will be?

[chaotic13]

Thanks for challenging the "supposed to be" statement. For some reason I have all these unwritten rules in my head that dictate that my life is supposed to suck and if it doesn't then I am doing something I'm not "supposed" to be doing.

This is all likely a part of some mid-life crisis and I just have to work through it without destroying my family in the process. With regard to intimate relationships I tend to choose flight over fight. I guess this weekend I was struggling to find something worth fighting for in my relationship with my husband.

Do you ever find yourself, sitting at the kitchen table drinking your morning coffee and look across the table and say to yourself, how did we get here? My mind is swirling with things I want to do throughout the day and mapping out how to do it all. Then coming from across the table I hear a long litany of aches, pains, and all the things that can't be done. My heart aches for him and I want to make it all go a way...but I can't.

I hate having 90% of my conversations with my spouse be about medications, limitations, and bowel movements. I'm 42 not 92.