[buckyuck1]

So my girlfriend and I recently decided to split up and take a break from each other because we have some issues. We used to be engaged but it slowly started going from engaged to just boyfriend/girlfriend to now nothing at all. First off let me tell you that it has really hurt me a lot....but i do know that we have problems and the main one is communication.

I didn't listen to her and I neglected her feelings for a long time and she went through all of that. We fought but then i would say that I would change and never did for more than 2 days. Well now since we have broken up I have been trying really hard to change what i'm doing and how i talk to her, listen to her, and finally share my feelings with her because i used to bottle them up and not tell her what was wrong even though she knew something was.

Well it seems like everytime that i think we are getting better at communicating we end up having a fight over something stupid. Tonight i wanted to go out with her and she wanted to go out with me but earlier in the day i said that i didn't know if we should go out because it might feel like a date and i don't want to feel like everything is ok when it isn't. Well when i got home she was gonna go out with her friends because she thought i blew her off and then that caused a big thing and i really wasn't trying to.

It just seems like no matter what i do i always end up pushing her away...and i don't want to. I know that she still loves me and that i love her and that we can be together if we work out our problems but everytime we fight i feel like i push her further away and i'm not trying to.

Sorry for the length of this but i just really don't know what to do. I want to be with her and i can't stop thinking about how much i do what to get back together.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((buckyuck1))))))))))))
Have you tried talking to her about what you are feeling?

[buckyuck1]

yes i've tried and we have had good talks the past few nights...but then tonight we both wanted to go out with each other but when i talked to her while i was at work i said that i didn't know if we should go out and we didn't have the same message and she thought i didn't want to go out with her and i just wanted to make sure it wouldnt' be weird.

Well when i got home she was going out with other people and we got into a fight and i know i overreacted to her going out with other people so i don't blame her for being mad. So i tried telling her how i felt again and she left and kept doing other things while i was trying to tell her how i felt so i just stopped and she left.

[buckyuck1]

but i guess i really can't complain about her leaving because i've done the same thing to her so why should i expect her to give me a courtsey that in 2 years i never showed her.

[Rhapsody]

Do you think it is possible that you are going thru comment issues, therefore, you keep pushing her away?

* * * * * * * *

COMMITMENTPHOBIA:

This is by far one of the most romantic dilemmas of our century. It is also remains the reason relationships end when the best has just begun. How do you handle a partner who can’t get enough of you one day, and then cannot get far enough away from you the next? How can you tell if they are looking for love - - or an escape from closeness? Can it be both? – Yes if you suffer from fear of another, true intimacy.

Commitmentphobia is just that, a fear of being committed to any thing or person for any long period of time, and this can always be found in these forms: physical, emotional or intimacy (sex included).

The Commitmentphobia person is at their best in love, work and play when a safe distance is kept between them and another. Never to close to actually allow them self to feel, therefore they never risk being hurt or rejected for who they are. While these types of people can truly love another person and honestly desires to be in a relationship, their fear will optimally control them. Most Commitmentphobia people are control freaks and they will constantly control in order to remain safe. This can be seen in many ways: limit in time & availability, denies access to his or her life, refusing to be apart of your life, not sharing special interest with you, not being a part of your needs or wants, unreasonable restrictions on sex, establish a life style that say I want to be alone, uses the word “no” a lot with you, promises you the world but never delivers, always sorry and yet no change follows, and they make it clear that all expectations of you two being close is unwelcome demands on them (you become the needy one to enable them to remain at a distance, your problem not theirs – no responsibility this way).

Commitmentphobia people seem to want what they cannot have at the exact same moment in time that they want it (person, places, work, activities, ect), and yet as soon as they get to close and have what they fought so freely for, they will retreat. They must now withdrawal in order to be or feel safe again, closeness scares them, a vicious and destructive cycle in any relationship and or marriage. Commitmentphobia usually end up hurting others (not on purpose) in their attempt to have love and yet to not love so closely or intimately that they feel trapped or fearful. They will often hold back to keep from creating more problems once they have emerged.

You can best love this type of person by not wanting or needing to much, by waiting for them to come to you, by not demanding, by accepting that once they do need you they will retreat from you as well (cycling), and by creating your own life, fun and interest out side of your partner while you wait. You must be willing and capable of denying your own needs until the other person has a need or feels safe again if you are to remain in and to make the relationship you share with a Commitmentphobia work. Many relationships do not and cannot survive this viscous cycle for to long, and while some may last for many years or as a long term marriage it will eventually run the risk of ending from lack of emotional needs not being meet.

Commitmentphobia people are often Emotionally Unavailable… to self and others.

[sunrise]

Wow, Rhapsody, that description of the commitmentphobe is an exact description of my husband. Down to the letter! We have been together over 20 years and are getting divorced--I just couldn't take it any longer. Reading that description made me feel really sorry for him. What an impoverished life those people lead.

buckyyuck, you and your girl could get some relationship counseling. In just a few sessions you could learn some valuable communication skills.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i really can't complain about her leaving because i've done the same thing to her so why should i expect her to give me a courtsey that in 2 years i never showed her

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It's not that she wasn't giving you a courtesy. She had already made other plans for an evening with friends. It wouldn't have been right to stand them up and break her date with them in order to talk to you. Next time, you could say something like, "Hey, I know you're on your way out right now. Could we talk about this sometime later this weekend? It's important to me that we work these communication glitches out so we can get along better. Have a good time!"

[buckyuck1]

Yeah i don't know about the relationship counseling...we technically aren't even in a relationship anymore so i think that would be a no go.

I know that she had already made plans so i shouldn't have expected her to change them and i didn't want her too...i was just being sensitive cuz i felt like she was ignoring me and she wasn't.

I guess my biggest fear is i've already done the damage and she'll never want to come back with me now.

[nightbird]

...less is more...

sometimes that helps

[Rhapsody]

Time away maybe just what the doctor ordered...... Hang in There.