[Defective]

Do you think thats a bad thing? If someone just decides they arent going to look for a relationship ever again. I kinda feel like im a 12 year old who got his heart broke and says it without realizing what it really means but i feel like i do. Ive thought this over. Im male but im over 30 and im depressed so my libido isnt that high anymore. I can survive without the uhh intimacy. I am totally fine with only having friends and a therapist to confide in. Not that i have any real life friends right now but i can make them maybe. Has anyone else decided this and is happier now?

[musicnmoods]

I made this decision over five years ago and am just now thinking that maybe I might be ready to at least think about the possibility of being with someone again, but it's still not at all important. I don't think there's anything wrong with taking a break and letting yourself go through whatever you need to to heal and put the pieces of yourself back together. The only reason I wouldn't say "ever again" is because just by living as long as you have now you know that feelings and circumstances change, and what you swore you felt one day may not still be what you feel next month or four years from now, etc. But stepping back for however long it takes will only protect you from getting into any other relationships that you know you're not ready for, thus saving you (and her) even more compounded pain and regrets and bad feelings, and I see that as a good thing. Too many people jump from one relationship to the next to "help" them heal, and find that after much time and heartache later, when they think about it, those old negative feelings are still there waiting to be dealt with. I personally have a lot of work to do to be able to call myself happy, but I am happy about deciding to leave relationships alone for a while, because hopefully I've given myself what I needed to have a fair chance with the next one. (If there is one).

[Defective]

Thats a really good point. Ill get rid of the "ever again" because its true. If i look at what i was thinking in my early twenties to now and to have to live by some standard i set then id be more crazy than i am now. I dont have to feel any pressure that i am supposed to be in a relationship even if its a year or a decade or three later. Or if well meaning people start pushing things on me i have this thought out better to defend myself with. Thanks.

[whiteNight]

in 5 months i will have gone through my teens wtihout ever being in a relationship

-i wonder if i will ever have one but I always realize that im still "discovering myself" emotionally at least

im still in my "box" of trust

we all have our own "box" we hide in- when its time to open up go for it

[KathyM]

I don't think being alone is bad. It's a good opportunity to improve the relationship you have with yourself and find out what it is you really want out of life.

It doesn't matter if you're in a relationship. It's still your responsibility to make yourself whole. I think that's what my problem was with past relationships. I expected the other person to "complete me," make me whole, and keep me happy.

I was around the age of 30 when I gave up too. I resigned myself to the fact that I would spend the rest of my life without a partner. A huge burden was lifted because I no longer had to waste my time searching, only to be disappointed with what I found. I took a closer look at my own life and realized it was pretty good.

Be warned though. If you get to the point where you are completely satisfied with your own life, you may experience some side effects. It can make you more attractive, and you just might find the love of your life. I say this because that is when I met my husband, and we've been together now for 20 years.

I think when you are actively looking for a relationship, you give off vibes of desperation that can push others away. It flashes an invisible warning: "Caution, this person might suck the life out of you." What attracted me most to my husband was the fact that he was perfectly content with his own life. He didn't need me to fix him, and he had no intention of "fixing" me. As a result, our love grew naturally.

I hope you'll be able to find your peace of mind, regardless of marital status.

[Perna]

I think it's easy to make galactic decisions like that but why do it? "Deciding" is a head thing and it's our heart and emotions that are hurting and want companionship. Besides, we don't know what the future will bring at all and circumstances and feelings change.

I would work on making friends and keep learning to live your life. Who comes into it isn't something we can control and there might be a love interest and there might not; one has to wait and see. But working on ourselves, becoming more ourselves is what the task is and if we do that well we often attract others to us that can help us with that. I didn't meet my husband until I was 34, didn't get married until I was 39. I had the "realization" that I was never going to meet someone or get married when I was 32-33 and, once again, boy was I wrong!

[BrnEyedGrl]

Yeah, I agree. Just work on you at this point.

I think everyone goes through a point in their life where they just want to be alone. Its totally normal and probably good for us. But, if you happen to stumble onto someone who interests you, possibly puts a smile on your face....you may decide to bring them into your life and see how it goes.
Good Luck!

[Jack_Night]

Just a nod on the heap. I went through my first twenty-some years of life without so much as going on a date. I had some of the awkward moments of crushing on people that didn't feel it back, had a couple that were the other way around, and have been "just friended" plenty.

Then, a couple years ago, I met someone with which I shared an unnaturally electric chemistry with. We had no boundaries, and seemed to have almost a psychic understanding of the other. And you know, it still didn't have a fairytale ending. We both knew the other well enough to know we'd never be able to live together and both had growing and experiencing to do, and so we left things as a close friendship.

Accepting that I may always be alone is a burden lifted, but had I totally written off the possibility, I may never have experienced that short moment, and I look forward to them again, should I be so lucky. In the mean time, I'm going to try and grow and understand myself and my needs, so I can seed my chances a little better in the future.