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  #1  
Old Mar 24, 2008, 03:13 PM
Adhesion Adhesion is offline
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I have been in a relationship for 13 years. We are engaged, and until recently, I thought unbreakabale as a couple no matter what happened. However, he is now saying he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore, and I am, after getting over the initial shock, wondering the same.

I love him and he says he still loves me, but we have both made terrible mistakes in the relationship, and i'm trying to figure out if they are too big to overcome, or if I am overreacting.

My biggest mistake was slapping him. I grew up in an abusive household and did not realize that I had begun mimicking many of the negative examples I was taught from childhood until it was too late. My immediate reaction was horror, apology, and beginning anger-management counseling. I feel that after 13 years where I have NEVER done anything even close to this, he should be willing to show me some compassion and forgiveness. He knew my past, and I had even told him on several occasions to please TELL me if I start behaving negatively, which he did not. I would and have forgiven him many things over the years and feel that I deserve the same since I am taking responsibility for my actions.

His biggest mistake is an emotional affair. As I began to notice more and more a distance between us, I discovered that he was spending TONS of time on the phone with a female co-worker. I'm talking 20 calls a day. He has also accompanied her on short trips, introduced her to all of his friends, and brought her into his photographic circle. He has also lied repeatedly to my face about these things. I do not believe he is having a physical relationship with her, but he is and has been sharing his life and emotions with her in a way that is totally exclusionary to me, disrespectful of our relationship and extremely hurtfull. When confronted about it he will only say that they are just friends and that the reason he lied is cause he didn't want to deal with me getting upset cause i'm too jelous of everything.

In terms of us, he says he needs space to decide if he can forgive me or whether he just wants to be alone. While he is taking this "space" he is continuing on with his "friendship," not talking to me hardly, and will only respond to questions about how his actions affect my feelings with "I can't think about that right now."

What i'm trying to figure out is whether my actions warrant this kind of treatment and I should just give him the time and space and see what happens, or whether my growing anger and resentment over his behavior is justified, and I should just end things now?

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  #2  
Old Mar 24, 2008, 03:55 PM
Gosten Gosten is offline
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Thirteen years is a very long time. By now you know every relationship has roadblocks and pitfalls that must be overcome and it's not usually easy. This sounds like a bigger than usual one for you.

Speaking as a guy, I'd be humiliated if my girlfriend slapped me. I'd be mad and treat her coldly for a day, maybe two or three. It wouldn't be a cause to break off the relationship unless I had already decided beforehand to do so and was simply waiting for an appropriate time.

You are jelous of his relationship. You confronted him about it and you don't believe his denials.

My main concern would be to prevent your belief that's he's going to leave you to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. A running day-after-day arguement or simply dumping him outright could do this. I like to believe true love exists and hate to see long term seemingly successful relationships fail.

He does owe you more openness regarding where your relationship stands. Create opportunities for him to give this to you, such as a late night dinner at a fancy restaurant or some other unusual date-like atmosphere where you two can talk further.
  #3  
Old Mar 24, 2008, 04:11 PM
Adhesion Adhesion is offline
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The problem is that I CAN'T talk to him. He wants to be LEFT ALONE for as long as he pleases. I am to only contact him if it is important and wait around for him to call while he's talking to this other girl 20 times a day, going places with her and refusing to even see that that might be an issue when you are in a relationship with someone else!!!! I would totally understand him wanting time to think about our relationship and make a decision if he was REALLY using the time for that. From what I can tell, he is using this "time apart" to run around 24/7 doing as he pleases and not even bothering to consider me or my feelings. If I try to talk to him about it he gets really pissed at me and basically threatens to end things right now. However I will point out that while this has been happening for the past month, he has wanted me sexually when I came around. It's like i'm good enough for sex, but if he has to compromise what HE wants and has to WORK on the relationship he's not interested.

Oh, and he'll be going to a conference in another state for a long weekend next month that SHE is going to as well. AND, he's 33 years old and she's 18!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's like he got a personality switch overnight. I keep thinking he'll wake up and be himself again but he's not.
  #4  
Old Mar 24, 2008, 04:23 PM
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Dancer_in_the_light Dancer_in_the_light is offline
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It sounds like he's using your mistake as an excuse. You're right when you say that in the face of a 13 year relationship, one slip should be forgiveable. He's going for the other girl, and he doesn't want you in the way, so he's blowing this out of proportion to make you into the bad guy.

Tell him to call a spade a spade. If he wants to leave you for someone else, he should at least have the guts to be honest about it instead of blaming you.
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  #5  
Old Mar 24, 2008, 05:05 PM
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Perna Perna is offline
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Welcome to PsychCentral, Adhesion. I think the handwriting is on the wall, so-to-speak, if he wants to be alone and is seeing another woman and introducing her to his friends, he does not really want to be with you. It even sounds to me like he is using your slap against you, to make it more than it is so he doesn't have to feel bad about what he himself is doing to end the relationship.

You can only take care of yourself. If he is pulling away, you cannot make him come back. You can work on your life only and with him wanting not to be there, I think whether or not to forgive him is a moot point other than whatever you feel about it. He needs to be working with you to repair the relationship or it cannot be replaired.
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  #6  
Old Mar 24, 2008, 06:02 PM
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tat2doc tat2doc is offline
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dump him and find someone better!
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  #7  
Old Mar 25, 2008, 02:30 PM
Doh2007 Doh2007 is offline
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Try not to blame yourself. I don't think this is about you. It sounds like he wandered and is infatuated with someone else. If you don't like feeling like a victim, decide what you can do for yourself. Is there a class you're interested in? You can't control what he does. Don't take on the blame.
  #8  
Old Mar 25, 2008, 03:33 PM
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salukigirl salukigirl is offline
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some people just grow apart. its not you and its not him. its nobody's fault, its just how things happen. sometimes, they grow together and sometimes not. i think i would use this time to seek other guys out and see if there isn't something there with someone else. that way, if it does end, at least it will be mutual. 13 is a pretty long time. i get annoyed after just a few months lol.
  #9  
Old May 06, 2008, 05:32 PM
Adhesion Adhesion is offline
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Well, just to update everyone on the situation. We broke up this past weekend. Turns out after MONTHS of lying to me that he has been cheating on me with her for at least a month and a half. She is 18 YEARS OLD!!!! He is 34!!!! He says he is "in love" with her. He's only known her for about 5 months! I say he only THINKS he's in love with her because between that and making me out to be the bad guy he can justify his actions to himself.

The thing that makes me the maddest is that he not only cheated on me, lied about it over and over and over again and made my feel like everything was my fault in our relationship...he was bed hoping to boot. Now I have to go be tested to make sure he didn't give me anything. And what is funny is that when he finally admitted that he "loved" her it is because he knew we were going to talk and both he and she claim they only made out! I found out they did more from the person whos house they went to to get it on and asked for a condom (thank god).

I haven't let him know I am aware of it yet. I want to get all of my things from him first. Then, after i'm tested I am going to take the bill to where they both work and tell him loudly in the store that I expect him to pay for the test since it was HIS cheating and bed hoping that required me to get one since I don't know where SHE has been!

Oh, and SHE has known all along that he was lying to her and going back and forth between us, but yet she is still "in love" with him and they are a couple now. What a GREAT start to a relationship.....
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