[PahaSapa]

hi i kinda got into a bad spot at therapy and with my wife. when i first started dating my wife years and years ago when we first met she used to say that i would worry to much and be to paranoid and get to protective. i would worry that she wouldn't want to be with me but what worryed me the most was that someone would hurt her. now that we been together a long time and marryed almost three years now and together about five years i don't worry that she will leave me so much anymore but i worry more and more that someone will hurt her. i see on tv all time on the news about women getting raped or attacked or kidnapped and locked up somewhere and tortured. i have nightmares all the time that will happen to her.

when we went therapy on tuesday together we was talking about that with my therapist and i told them that i think i lived though everything i been through and stayed alive so that i could protect her and that i think that god kept me alive so i could protect her from something bad like that happening to her. i didn't think there was anything wrong with that but they both seemed really worryed. my therapist said that it sounds border line delusional and she wants try a different medicine or stronger medicine. i been delusional before seeing stuff and thinking a lot about god but not in a long time since i before i went in the hospital.

but i was wondering if you guys think that is crazy thinking that god kept me alive to protect her. thanks

[LMo]

I wouldn't say it's crazy thinking, but overprotectiveness can drive another person away. It is very sweet that you care about her so much, but be careful about it becoming an obsession, if it isn't already. We all have to take risks in life otherwise we'd never make any progress. For example, I traveled alone in South America for several months a few years ago. Was it a risk? Absolutely - what a great way to get attacked or kidnapped or raped. Was it worth the risk? Absolutely. Nothing bad happened to me (knock on wood) and I'm so glad that I risked it.

About god keeping you alive for it... I can't say. But it doesn't seem to be a very balanced point of view in a relationship. I wouldn't want my husband to be convinced of something similar.

[trippinmickey]

I Think that some of us are born with the need to take care of others its what you live for and brings you happiness. Most mother are very much like this but in men its rare and I'm sure your wife loves it but like anything to much of a good thing is bad . It sounds that way you may need to tone it down abit.So yes I would look into it .

Heres what happen to me .I'm a very caring person been with my wife for 23 years .I did everything for here .I loved taking care of her but what I didn't see was she never learn how to do things on her own .She was 15 when we met so for all that time I took care of every need she had .But one day i got very very sick (Bipolar) And I could know long take care of my self less alone her or the kids .She fell apart but I didn't see it to it was to later she left me .Her mom and dad said they would take care of her and the kids but in the end that didnt work .(Its a very long story ).But the bottom line is I over protected her !!!

I know it not it alittle diffrent then whats going on with you but once again to much of a good things will turn bad .

[Conquistador]

Feeling the need to be protective of the ones you love is normal. Being overprotective of someone can be disfunctional, if it interferes with their life and motivations (i.e. if she gets mad at you for being overprotective... that may not be a good thing).

At the end of the day, she is a normal, able, competent person that, with or without you, can never be totally protected from the dangers of this world, BUT, you must trust her and her ability to protect herself from harm. Ultimately, she should not need you to protect her from situations where she may be hurt or killed.

This is just me, but I have this feeling that God did not put you on Earth to protect her. I don't think God would give any individual that amount of power. I think that's why your wife and therapist think you are delusional when you say that.

[TaintedGoth1]

No, it's not uncommon to want to protect the ones you love. I think it becomes an obsession when it's all you think about, which can be quite destructive to your relationship.

I'm guessing that your wife and T see it's a serious problem because you think that is your one sole purpose...to be the protector of your wife. While some women may find this to be romantic, it's hard on you. It will drain you of all life to be so focused on this.

[Doh2007]

Our imaginations are powerful. We actually experience emotionally the things our imaginations create. By now, this thinking is a bad habit. There's nothing to lose by stopping those thoughts.

[PahaSapa]

thank you for writing back. the part of this that's hardest for me is knowing when its wrong or to much or when its ok. like when we go out somewhere to a bar or a car show and i got my arm around her the hole time and don't let no other guys looking at her she likes it. then she thinks it romantic but at the grocery store or the mall she don't like that or if i call her when i get worryed. she don't really get mad when i get nervous and call her but she gets worryed about me and i can tell she gets annoyed.
i love her very very much and i don't want to make her mad or make her feel like i'm smothering her but sometimes i think that she don't know how evil other people can be like how i understand from the stuff that's happened to me. and she's really that only person that ever been good me or shown me any love and i don't want her to be hurt like i was. i just want her to always be safe and happy and not have to understand that kind of pain like i do.

[Doh2007]

You know what might help? When you fear for her safety, pray for a protective bubble to surround and protect her. It works. Always being alert takes a lot of energy.

Besides, when we always focus on the negative, we tend to draw it towards us.

Best wishes