Boyfriend afraid to commit and called it quits

Hello All,

I came to this forum hoping to be able to get some advice for something that happened not too long ago.

I was dating my boyfriend of three and a half years. We had our problems like any relationship, but no major problems. Most of our arguments were about really dumb things. I have kids and he was attached to them. Recently, he had a very bad thing happening in his life where his sister has a baby that will soon die. I've never been really close to his family until recently. I was there for him through the good and bad times and even comforted his pain. Well, one day I decided to cook a meal for him. We don't live together, so cooking was always an issue when it came to hauling all the food to his place, dishes, etc. After dinner we decided to watch a movie. While the movie was playing, I asked him about moving in together. He knew that if I'd move in together I would want to marry him. We had already discussed this before. He completely denied speaking to me about this by saying he never agreed to move into an apartment. Now, I told him that I wasn't picky and I'll settle for an apartment. I knew that both of us weren't financially stable for a house just yet. He mentioned the idea about moving out of state in three more years to a place I have never been. I told him I wanted to move in before three more years. Well, that was when he went irate. He started cussing and telling me that I wasn't worthy of marrying and asked me to get out otherwise he'd call the police. I took most of the stuff out of his place. I realized the next day that I left my kids bikes there. I sent him a text message the other day asking if I can stop by to pick up the bikes and he told me if I wanted bikes, I had to buy them. I don't understand why he had to take it out on the kids. He has no kids of his own. I spoke to his mother about what happened so she'd hear my side of the story. She told me that maybe he's stressed. I was angry because that should be no excuse. I've talked to him in the past about not taking out his frustration out on me, but he has such a hard time doing so.

It has been about a month since we last spoke. He ignores my calls, texts, emails, etc. What I'm wondering is why he took so long to tell me that I wasn't worthy of marrying him. I have done so much to help him out, yet he fails to see how much I did.

What are your thoughts?

Thanks.

As hard as it may to admit - it seems as though he found you worthy of dating / having as a gf - but he was not in love with you enough to want to marry you..... and this too is OK as many people date, live together and become lovers with out ever getting married.

I personally would advice you to move on and forget about him...... and if you have not yet gotten the kids bike back from him it might just be time to call the police so you can safely retrieve the bikes.

((( hugs )))

Thanks Rhapsody. I already stopped asking for the bikes back. I know I'm a good person and even his mother thought I was as well. Somehow he didn't understand why his mom thought I was so good to him. Perhaps it was a good thing that I got out of it. I don't need drama around me or my kids for that matter. The sad thing is my kids ask why he hates them. He never apologized for saying anything. I forgave him because I think it's the good thing to do in order for me to be able to move on in my life. I appreciate your response. He had mentally and physically abused both my kids and I. Somehow I stuck it out thinking he would be a better person. Now, I'm wondering if I'll ever be happy at all.

No - he will probably never be a happy person until he deals with his own issues...... and please let your kids know that he does not hate them, but that it him self that he hates - hence why he acts the way he does when he looses control.

Rhapsody gives great advice on your question. I am sorry it has happened,but better you found out sooner than later.

Try not to get his friends or family involved, it will just cause more havoc. I am sure a police office will happily help you retrieve your bike/belongings.

Good luck@

wow i have to say that after your second post i thought "good riddens to him". how dare he abuse your children! In my opinion it's best he's out of the picture for the sake of your future. he didn't deserve you nor your children. sorry if this is too harsh

Thanks everybody for your good advice. I'm feeling better about this breakup. Yes, he truly did not deserve me at all and I'm slowly realizing this. I wish I can speed up the process of grieving over someone. It's pretty awful.

It may take a while to get over this guy. Remember, there is no SET time limit on how long it takes to 'get over' someone you've loved. Try to keep busy, get involved, and be there for your children. I feel your pain, as I have had similar experiences that devastated me. I'm sorry he turned out to be such a disappointment. His behavior and reaction wasn't normal, was it?