[prairiedawn]

Go ahead and move this if this is the wrong forum...I think it is a communication issue but I'm not really sure...

Anyway, hi, I just need to dump a bunch of crap that's been seriously bothering me, and I have no one to discuss it with...it's really personal and if it's too personal I don't care if anyone deletes it...

Anyway. My dad's whole side of the family has totally abandoned me since my younger sister had a kid. She was totally irresponsible and got drunk and slept with 2 random dudes in one night and got knocked up. She decided to keep it and now everyone treats her like the Madonna or something. The baby has Down's and I know that is hard to deal with and she is pretty young, only 19. Before he was born my dad and her mother (who was my stepmother and abused me terribly when I was a kid) DEMANDED that I support her, which I did, although I didn't really want to. Yeah, I'm a terrible person, evil, I know. Honestly I was just afraid of losing my dad's love. Which I did anyway.

The thing is, I am still not over my horrible childhood. I'm 25, I know I should just move on, but it haunts me. And she played such a huge role in my suffering, I know she is younger than me and she was just a kid and whatnot...her mom is the woman our dad cheated on MY mom with, he married her because she got pregnant and he had to "do the right thing". After my sister was born my life became Hell. Her mom tried to keep me away from my dad AND my mom, she punished me constantly, they always sided with my sister, I was never allowed to do normal things, I always had to drag my sister along, never allowed to have friends over, or pursue my interests (like dance class) unless it was something my sister was also involved in- anyway, enough *****ing, the point is, she was the obvious favorite child, even neighbors from that time who I barely spoke to have told me they noticed the difference in the way we were treated.

So I have been as supportive as I can, but it is getting near impossible because I am not getting any support in return. I guess I should just be selfless and suck up my own problems, but I feel like complete %#@&#! most of the time. Yesterday she called me to talk about the baby again and when I expressed misgivings about some stupid thing, she blew up at me and hung up. I was deliberately very gentle and non-accusing about it. I simply disagreed. Then she texts me and says not to contact her ever again unless I can "accept the way she parents her child and admit she's an adult". This is not the first time. Everyone showers her with gifts and praise for being so strong and so mature...but she threw a temper tantrum at me. And my dad hasn't even tried to contact me in over 6 months.

Am I the one in the wrong? I can accept that, I just don't know what to do. Keep my opinions to myself, I guess?

This really hurts because my extended family is really close, but since she has a kid and I don't, they see her as more "adult" and listen to whatever bile she spits about me. When I try to defend myself, I'm seen as a whiner at best and crazy at worst. I've been silently dealing with this for months now, I'm getting professional help, but it's slow, and in the meantime I just need to vent and advice wuld be awesome.

Thanks.

[prairiedawn]

I forgot to add, dunno if this makes any difference, but I went through the same thing she did, as far as irresponsibly getting knocked up at 18, but I had an abortion. I'm not ashamed of it or anything, it was the right decision at the time no matter how you look at it, but it does bug me that one of the main reasons I aborted was because both my parents told me that if I ever got myself knocked up, I was on my own, I would get no help or support. They were adamant about it. But she gets whatever she asks for. Her mom even took a 2nd job so she wouldn't have to work.

Is there any way to express to my family how much this hurts me?

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((prairiedawn)))))))))))))))
Wow, you've really had a time of it. I'm so sorry you aren't being supported.

I think you're expressing yourself very well here. Do you journal as well? I find that when I journal, it really helps me get everything out. You might take the journal and share with T as well to get additional support in areas where you might need.

Have you considered stepping back some and taking time just for you? Perhaps you can find a support group or a group of people who are supportive to be your support during all this as it doesn't seem like you are going to get it from your family.

Please keep posting and welcome to PC. We're glad you're here!

[prairiedawn]

Thank you for the reply and hugs! It really means a lot to know someone is listening.

I used to keep a journal but I haven't in a couple years. I should probably start again.

As for taking time for myself, that's all I have. I haven't been able to work for over a year due to panic attacks and frequent crying which bosses and co-workers are never very sympathetic about. So I spend a lot of time just dwelling on things, really unhealthy I'm sure.

Oh, the icing on my whole pathetic family situation is that my dad's current wife is a social worker, in fact she teaches classes on it or something, and the last time I talked to her, she promised to help me find some low- or no- income therapy, but she never made good on it. She believes in really silly things like iridology and claims I have "post-abortion syndrome" which isn't even a real illness, and I've been depressed my whole life. It wasn't triggered by the abortion although having to go through that alone and keep it a secret was pretty awful.

I'm sorry I'm so complain-y here, this is just the first time I've found somewhere where people are supportive and not just impatient and angry with me.

Sometimes I dunno if I'm the crazy one, or if they are all nuts...

[wanttoheal]

I don't think you are complaining at all. I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to share with us.

I know here we have county mental health facilities. Sometimes there is a bit of a wait, but the fee depends on your income and most of the time, it is free. You can see a psychiatrist as well as therapist. Maybe you can do a search for something like that or call the county offices? I know when son was needing some help, we went to the probate court and talked to them and they told us where the mental health places were in our area.

Please keep posting. We care.