[lenjan]

I have this chronically ill, housebound friend in another state to whom I write almost daily, just letting him know what's up with me, etc, because I apparently arrogantly thought he would be interested and be happy to get a friendly email.

He saves up all his frustration with me and then only writes when he's pissed off and can't take anymore. I get all my faults pointed out in spades and how I am just rude and selfish and clueless, etc.

We have been friends for 10 years and I was in a much different place when we met than I am now. He claims to love me and wants to help me, but all he does is tell me what's wrong with me. I suppose it's a sign of growth that I finally am ready to tell him to F off, but I don't know how to do it kindly. Ideas?

Candy

[galadriel]

(((((Candy)))))

Oh dear this is a hard situatuon. What can you do. Well you can just straight out say that you feel that it is not good for either of you to stay friends, trying ot explain how you feel he is so critical. You could also say that you understand his problems with his health but that you dont feel you are helping him in anyway and he does not help you. This is the honest approach. Avoiding all swear words but saying that you feel this is the best option.

Or you could just try and stop being in contact and ignore him, not a nice one. Or wait a while to tell him, give yourself some breathing space and write a letter from your heart. Dont do it when you feel pressured by him or just after you have go something from him insulting you, if this is possible.

I must say I am not a good person to give advice as I have just had to deal with a situation whenere I had to loose two friends for hte good of my health and I was rather pressured and pushed in to a corner by the both of them so how I wrote the letter maybe was not a kind as it could have been, But I tried to think with my head, keep it honest and avoid too much emational content.

I dont know if this helps at all.

Main thing is this. You have to protect yourself and you have aright not to be insulted or be a punch bag for someone no matter what situation they are in. You need ot move on now and you must do so.

[Wants2Fly]

I agree that each of us has a right to take care of oneself. It's hard, though. I am always concerned that I don't know how to maintain my boundaries in a way that respects me and respects the other.

One technique I've learned is to use "I" statements that take responsibility for my freelings. "I feel hurt when all you do is complain about my faults. I'm going to have to ask you to take responsibility for your feelings by telling me how you feel because of something very specific that harmed me."

I've got friends without disabilities who dump on me, and my T says I need to work on this. So did my last T. The evidence is building, eh?

Good luck with this, Candybear.

[Genesis]

I'm not in a very good mood right now so I'll just send some *hugs* and positive vibes. I hope things work out for you both.

[keeper]

Candy it sounds like your freind is very unhappy with himself and he points out all of your flaws to keep him from thinking of his own Iv known people in my life that did the same thing and its wrong to do. There are many degrees of seperation from friends,family ext... that have to be found and used correctly so that you feel ok with making the seperation from that person. What I mean is make honost and as friendly as you can but to the point without swaering or being hateful to him just let him know you know your falts and a true friend doesnt perseverate or continuly point these things out to that person. If you loose the friendship its ok becouse you will have your peace of mind and happyness and always remember that kindness and selfrespet will always bring down the meanest kingdom and they will start to see how wrong they were for being the way they are and this is there down fall. Good people dont need this sorrow. Be happy and stay well. Good luck. Keeper