[gracetoo71]

i am new here and apologize for dumping my problems right off the bat, but i am losing my desire to be in my marriage. while dating this man three years ago, my only apprehension was the way he was raising his child. he has a son that is 13. since the kid was 7, he was left on his own (no sitter). his father worked 3 jobs and didn't get home till after 9pm. the kid was very disrespectful when i came into the picture, and was in trouble alot. his father never disaplined him so he was basically free to do as he wished. against my better judgement, i married into this situation with the foolish idea that i could help this kid onto the right track, and show his father how to be a father. i have twin 11 year old girls. in the beginning, things were rough, but i had his father's support. i would punish his son for getting into trouble, disrespecting adults, etc. it didn't last long though. when the kid got suspended from school, his father stayed home from work and for his kid, it was a skip day to have fun with his dad. no punishment. i told him that he was grounded for a week but his father let him out the following day. then at he was caught smoking in the house, after a search of his room, i found knives, condums, firecrackers, and more cigs. i took them from him and told him he was grounded. again, the following day, his father gave him back all the items and let him out of the house. the kid even got a ride to the store and got someone to buy him a pack of cigs. for 2 years now, i have fought with his father on issues of family. his father does not believe his kid is a bad kid, even though he has been suspended from school twice, has had saturday detention several times, been caught smoking by neighbors, teacher, etc. but the father doesn't believe them, because his son tells him he doesn't smoke, so what he says is true. he even came home with a huge hicky on his neck, and then was allowed to spend the night at his girlfriends house the next night. this kid knows he doesn't have to listen to what i say, because as soon as his father gets home, nothing i said matters. his father has even told me i see and hear things when i tell him about his son's behavior. i have been called a lier by my husband. there has been a history of child protective services stepping in and questioning the parenting of this kid before i came into the picture. my husband tells me he is a boy so he is allowed to do more things than what i allow my kids to do. this entire last summer, the kid spent 2 nights here. his father didn't know where he was for all those other nights, this kid just turned 13. i am not allowed to bring up his son, what he does, my opinion on how he deals with his trouble in school, or with neighbors. he believes that to ground him for bad behavior will do no good. the way he is raising his son is the complete opposite on how i have been raised and how i raise my kids. i am trying to just live here and just ignore him and his son, but am finding it impossible. anyone else have a similar situation? any advice? again, i am sorry to vent this way, but i just needed to get it out. i will be going to therpy soon and won't ask my husband to join me, because it would do no good. if child protective services can't change how he raises his child, and if i can't get him to open his eyes and uncover his ears, he won't go to therpy, for he isn't doing anything wrong. thanks for letting me vent and putting up with my whinning. best wishes to all and take care

[PlanningtoLive]

Hi, welcome to the forums.

I guess one of my main concerns is how all of this is affecting your daughters. For them to see everything that the boy is doing and getting away with, is not good for them.

Then there is your stress level. You obviously are not getting the support you need, either emotionally or in the raising of his son. I'm sorry.........I know how frustrating it can be when there is no backup for you.

Therapy may be helpful for you if you want to learn to cope with all of this. You won't be able to change your husband or his son - it is equally obvious that they have no wish to do so.

I wish you the best in making a decision about what to do.

I could not tolerate such a situation after only a few short years of marriage. At least your daughters are older and not small.

Take care and let us know what you decide.

[Kayleigh]

This sounds just like what happened to my mom! She married my step-dad, and his middle son acted up and she wasn't allowed to punish him at all, and then my step-dad would hand out these rather extreme punishments to me (nothing abusive, just really strict)

Okay, as much as I hate it when couples split up, how much can someone love and respect you if they call you a liar? Also, this kid doesn't sound like a good influence on your daughters. I don't know him at all, but he might even try to do something to THEM, I know my step-brother used to try to get me drunk, and try to get me to do other things much worse that my mom would die if she knew about, so I'll never tell her. My mom rasied me right, so I was able to say "no". I still hated it all though. She finally left him about a year and a half ago. The divorce isn't final yet (I think it will be in December) but she is very happy with the choice she made, and wishes she had left sooner.

My step-father and middle step brother were very verbally abusive to me. and wether or not the dad does anything like that in your family I don't know (but calling you a liar, and countering your punishments isn't what should happen) You may have made in a mistake in thinking that you could change things. If you honestly know that you can work things out, PLEASE do as soon as possible, but, if it is how it sounds to me (like my mom's 2nd marrage) Leave as soon as you can. I hate saying that more than you'll ever know. I hate divorce so much, but people make mistakes, and this is a wrong you can make right again.

Again, if you think you can make it right again, go ahead. But I have to tell you, my mom stayed married the 2nd time for 11 years, and every year was worse than the one before. She was starting to become really depressed, and now she's really recovering! This kind of thing is never fun, and no one likes it, but I think in the long run both you, and your girls will be better off because of it! (I know my mom and I are) Sometimes strength isn't holding on, it's letting go.

Again, if you think you can work it out, by all means do, but if you know it's doomed, the sooner you leave the better. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I wish you nothing but the best, God bless.

[Wants2Fly]

Hello Gracetoo71 --

Welcome to the forums. Don't worry about "dumping" here. It's one reason that the forums are here.

It's always emotionally hard to leave someone. Money may be involved, too.

Here's what I see in your story:
1. Your husband disrespects you.

2. Your husband doesn't want to change.

3. His son is in trouble at school and with the law. This means -- it's not just you being "picky" about the kid -- the rest of the world sees a problem with him, too.

4. It's not good for your daughters to be in this environment. Soon, they will be at an age to challenge your authority, and they will test you. It's the nature of most teenagers. What will happen if the example they have is that are not able to enforce grounding, etc.

The questions I have: What is good about the relationship? What do you still love about this man and your life with him? Why are you staying?

You can probably write a book about all this. I hope your therapist will help you to find answers.

Good luck.