[jamminpianogirl]

Ok. Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost year, and we've been best friends much longer than that. I guess I've decided that he's the one I'd really like to spend the rest of my life with if we can work it out. One problem I'm trying to deal with is my relationship with his family. I know that in a married relationship, having a decent relationship with your spouse's family is a necessity, and he knows it too.

Don't get me wrong, I like his family quite a bit. The problem is that when I'm spending time with him and his family, I often wind up triggered about past traumatic experiences with my family. His father in particular gives me a hard time. Him and his father wind up in yelling matches almost every time we go to his house. The yelling gets so intense that I often think I'm going to break down and cry. He's completely accustomed to it and feels that its just the way they communicate, and assures me they have a good relationship. I honor what he feels and I'm sure its true. But it completely triggers me and even knowing that its not the same as my family, it disturbs me and I always seem to wind up having a bad time over their house. I quiet down, I'm on the verge of tears - I try to keep a sense of humor about it but I just don't like yelling and confrontation. It even put my boyfriend on the verge of tears once - I'm trying to figure out why every other time he's come out of it with a good sense of humor and that time he was almost crying.

Anyway, he told me that if this relationship is going to work I have to learn to feel comfortable with his family. I know that, its common sense. But I don't know how. I'm going to get a therapist as soon as I get the courage to call, and I'm sure that will help. But if anybody has any advice or has had a similar experience, a reply would be helpful and I'd be grateful!

Thanks.

[sabby]

I can surely understand how difficult it is to have to listen to the yelling and screaming. I do know that some families interact like that and it's not always a bad thing.....their communication skills may not be up to par but if it works for them.....what can ya do right?

I would say that since you cannot control what other people do, you can help yourself. Whenever they get into one of their matches, you can walk away....go outside, go for a drive, go talk with someone else who is calm and not involved (a friend, another family member etc) Maybe you can put on headphones and rock down to some of your fav music in another room or wherever you won't hear them arguing.

I've said to family members in that mode before "Ok folks, I'm outta here....have at it and let me know when you're all done!" LOL Once you walk away....do some deep breathing excercises to help calm yourself.....you don't have to be a part of the upheavel....remove yourself from the situation. It's possible in time they will realize how this affects you and they may try to back off a bit and be more civilized....but don't count on it.


sabby

[wanttoheal]

Hi jamminpianogirl,
Boy, that sounds really hard at times. I agree with Sabby about not being able to change them and working on self. It's hard to do, but a T can definitely help you so you have good coping skills to be able to handle it better.

I struggle with getting triggered by that kind of stuff too. Please take care and let us know how it goes.

[AAAAA]

(((((jamminpianogirl))))) I'm so sorry. My family is similiar to your husbands, yelling in our house just meant that you were right, the louder you are, the more right you are. My father and I debated just for the sake of debating.

Dealing with in-laws is difficult. If you and your boyfriend are able to sort this out before your married you'll have a leg up on many of us.

For the first 7 years we were married, hubby was in the service and every time I took the kids home to visit, he demanded that I spend exactly half our time at his parents house. Sounds reasonable, except at my house, all family and friends came to us, excited to see us. While I was at his parents home, I sat with my kids in an empty house 90% of the time. They didn't take vacation as my parents did, and continued doing their thing, like going to Bingo etc.

We've been married 22 years, and up until this year (when he finally had enough himself) we argued about holidays.

Is it possible to go to counceling? Have a third party listen and mediate? It's hard hearing unfavorable things about your family. I wish I could give you a way to deal with these things, the only thing I can say is that they're unlikely to change. Perhaps your boyfriend can respect your feelings and refuse to rise to his father's bait.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( jamminpianogirl )))))))))))))))

[I_WMD]

Jammin girl >>>.. I learned long ago that family peeps of the one ya care about are about as useful / useless as Teats on a boarhog .. [ southern humor ] ..

Any how >>>>..... Pops of My BFF sent me a letter asking me to leave state and not contact >>> I did it >> for the sake of What he wanted .

Wellllllllllll BFF Found me in another state 9 months later >> and viola' >> we be going on 29 years together >> through thick and thin . Even though at the time I left we had almost 10 years together.

Point being ???? >>>>..... Just ignore them , They will be coming to you in time [ not right away ] to get to know ya in the hardest of times >> Like when Life matters . That is when your true colors will Shine ,,, Never abandon what you feel is right .
But [ I feel bad for ever leaving ] >> southerners are a dif place >> you respect the Father completely ...>>>> ONCE !!!!.

Then You stand your ground and let your Voice be heard ,,,, and If your name means You Play the Piano >>>> Take a portable with ya >> and soothe the angry souls .>>