Fairness and reciprocity in Friendships

Hi all,
I just wanted to ask more about the recent article on friendship. I think Marie Hartwell-Walker makes a lot of good points, but one thing I didn't understand is this: how do you understand when you have made enough effort with a friend? Say in the situation of Judy, who gives friends three strikes, and if they don't reciprocate, she gives up on them. I tend to be a bit like this because I don't know how else to estimate (apart from reciprocity) whether the friend likes me or not.

I had this situation recently: a work colleague and I worked on the same project quite closely for about six months, and we got (i felt) to be quite good friends. She left to have a baby, but promised to keep in touch, though she said she had a really busy schedule. I contacted her and we had lunch a few times, which I really enjoyed, before the baby was born, but since then whenever I've contacted her she always seems to be busy. Now the family are leaving for a faraway country, and she had a farewell lunch with a group of us where she prommised to keep in touch etc, but I'm scared she's not interested.

For me if something is important enough to me I will do anything to achieve it, but then again I am a very determined person. I don't have any children myself (i'm younger) and so I don't know how to tell if I am being a nuisance- ie is she really busy or is it just an excuse? I've never heard anyone say "look, stop callling me, I don't want to see you any more!" so how do you know where the limit is? I really like her and miss her but I don't know how to guage how she feels, and I don't want to be that annoying person who never gets the message....
Any thoughts?
thanks!!

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2008/fai...iendships?pp=2

It sounds like you just gotta let it go and see if she keeps in touch. If not, then you got your answer. A one sided friendship ain't worth the headaches.

Misse

I’m sure your co-worker really is that busy! Newborns are a full time job on their own, throw in work and a social schedule, forget about it. It’s often hard to carve out an hour for your spouse let alone other friends and family.

When my babies were babies, the only social interaction that I was able to have with friends were when they came to the house to visit. When I had my twins, one of my best friends would make a big pot of spaghetti or sloppy joes and just come by. This gave me time to spend with her (and the babies) so I didn’t have to worry about cooking dinner.

You may think that going out for a meal is a solution, but packing up a baby to go out is a HUGE project.

Friendships often suffer when people are in different stages in their life (i.e. I have children and you don’t or my children are toddlers and yours are teens etc.) not because you don’t enjoy spending time with the other person, but because your obligations at the time are different.

Thanks Mrs AAAA, that's reassuring to hear from someone who has obviously been in that position. I was so sad to lose my friend and I worked really hard not to blame myself, but the lack of information, and also being depressed really did not make it any easier. Sometimes in the world I just find there are so many options or explanations for one event, and I haven't a clue how to work out which one to believe!!

I agree sometimes the person really does like you & would like to continue the friendship, but time & circumstances do not permit it. I know I've had that happen when I was really overwhelmed with going to college & working & going out to lunch with a friend became another "chore." It wasn't fun. It became something to squeeze in an already too busy schedule (not recommeding doing that; went into a major depression due to being totally overwhelmed, but different topic).

Also, after having kids the only people I could hang out with were ones who had kids the same ages as mine so we were on the same kind of schedule as far as naps, trips to the park, carpooling to preschool, potty training (!!), & also on tight budgets as we were no longer able to go out to lunch or even coffee at the drop of a hat.

So relationships sometimes just fall away due to circumstances, not because you are disliked.--Suzy

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AAAAA said:
Misse

Friendships often suffer when people are in different stages in their life (i.e. I have children and you don’t or my children are toddlers and yours are teens etc.) not because you don’t enjoy spending time with the other person, but because your obligations at the time are different.

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I can relate to that. My best friend had a child, I did not. It was awkward for awhile because that's all we ever talked about! But we stuck it out and things have changed once again as he goes off to college and starts his new life. Yippeeeee!

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was really overwhelmed with going to college & working & going out to lunch with a friend became another "chore." It wasn't fun. It became something to squeeze in an already too busy schedule (not recommeding doing that; went into a major depression due to being totally overwhelmed, but different topic).

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I get this too. This has happened to me and it's sad really. We started to drift and neither one of us *made* the time to keep the friendship going.

It's never too late though, so we may reconnect again. It will be up to me to do it because she's just not that type.