[iamtwilight]

So. I got accepted to a school in Sweden. Which is good. Only I'm not sure if I can take it. Well I can, but I will be under enormous stress. The last time I went to school was in March and one month later I had to go on sick leave because I went all schizo.

Well... he's been telling me things will be ok now that we're moving to Sweden. That the treatment will be better, and the change of scenery will do good for my psyche. That I won't get a culture shock because the culture is so similar.

Reality sucks:
- the treatment is basically worse there than in Finland. I expect the attitude towards mental health patients to be the same.
- the changes will probably mess my whole psyche up.
- socially, Sweden is much different. Finnish folks are quiet (and prejudiced... which is why I'm kinda happy about going away), the Swedish are more outgoing. I noticed this during my last trip to Sweden.

he has it easy for now, with my 2 hour borderline anxiety/depression attacks when he can get away with it by just holding me for a while and saying it's gonna be ok.

How do I tell him all this without coming off as a pessimistic depressed ******hole. Because I do want to go... I just don't want him to be disappointed when reality strikes and I get depressed and he will slowly realise what a b***h I am when I'm in a, say, mixed episode.

I will probably have to be without meds and without any therapy for a while. And while I don't think my current meds or therapy is helping me the slightest.... who knows I will realise how much they meant to me only after I have to do without them.

I sound like a psychopath, I know... condemn if you wish.

And all I can think of "WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY ART" (need alot of space - think of Jackson Pollock) - selfish idiot

ok sorry this turned into a somewhat of a dialogue. thanks for letting me open up.

[ECHOES]

Tell him what reality is---that you will still be you no matter where you are. A change of scenery, or a geographical solution as it's called when someone thinks going someplace else will magically fix everything.

Maybe you could meet somewhere in the middle on this: agree to take advantage ot the opportunity and at the same time realize that it is just an educational opportunity and not a solution. I agree that reality, as compared to his magical thinking, might be a jolt when it happens.

I wish you the best in your endeavors!

[iamtwilight]

Well said Echoes -

only I think he might have read this because he sent me an e-mail (because I said I didn't want to talk) in which he said that he is aware that things might get difficult and we might have to come back.

I'm such a dork. hahaha.