[ersatzelevator]

this is my first post... but i am desperate to receive some sort of advice on this issue. i want to find help for my husband, or possibly for both of us, but first, i need to get an idea as to what sort of specific help he or i would need.
to make a long story short, as a child, my husband was sexually abused by two of his family members (both his step brother and uncle), he witnessed his father beat his mother (and i believe he was also abused physically), his parents eventually were divorced, so he and his mother (who was an alcoholic, addicted to cocaine and god knows what else) had to live in hotel to hotel for a good portion of his childhood. in addition, my husband was kidnapped by his father and grandmother who brainwashed him into believing that his mother beat him (they had him tell this to a lawyer/court...whether she did or not, i do not know), and she was put away and could only visit him once a month for almost a year. later, once his mother had custody of him again, his father was put in jail for attempted murder, so my husband had to be sent to therapy for that. when his father got out of jail (the charges were apparently cleared) during his visits to his grandmother and father on the weekends, he was supposedly "brainwashed" again into being afraid to go back to his mother and new stepfather's house. after he was sexually abused by his uncle (he was abused by his step brother later in his life) he was sent back to therapy for that. he wasn't even 10 years old by the time all of this took place in his life. so now, i believe some of the issues in our relationship stem from this.
my husband has a problem with lying to me, CONSTANTLY about stupid little things. like, he'll tell me he never kissed some girl, 10 years ago (if he did, i wouldn't care, it was before me. we are FRIENDS with girls that he has slept with. he knows this doesn't bother me, i'm not a jealous person), but then i'll find out that he actually did kiss the girl from 10 years earlier, and this will falter my trust in him. he always swears that he will never lie to me, or never hurt me. after he is caught in a lie, he will swear on MY life, he will even swear on his dying grandmother's life, that he will never lie to me about stupid stuff again (he lies about all sorts of things). i even went to the hospital due to his constant lying (i had somewhat of a break down) and on my death bed (or so we thought), he still swore ON MY LIFE that he was not lying to me about the current issue at the time (the thing that caused my breakdown to begin with). i found out a few weeks after i was let out that he was in fact lying.
when i talked to him about it, he told me that he lies to me because he is afraid that the truth will hurt me, and that he is just trying to avoid a fight, or trying to refrain from hurting my feelings. (the things he lies about would not bother me, and i have been calmly telling him this for a year now. he just doesn't get it).
FINALLY, yesterday he came clean with me.. he said, "i'm not hiding anything from you, but even if i was, i would probably lie to you. i don't WANT to lie to you, but it's so hard not to. i will probably hurt you again, but i THINK i can stop. i want to stop hurting you. i want to get help."
in addition, he has problems paying bills, managing his money, he is very forgetful and sometimes i think he has communication problems. like, if we're discussing an issue in our relationship before bed, and we fall asleep, the next day he wont even address the problem or act like it never happened. it seems that i have to always bring up issues.
aside from this, he is the sweetest guy i have ever met, he is my best friend, but as much as i love him, it's hard for me to deal with his lying. at times, i feel like leaving him, because i believe if he loved me, he wouldn't hurt me all of the time, but on the otherhand, i made a vow to him, and even though he is breaking some of his vows, if his problems go back to his childhood... i don't want to leave him alone like his family did to him his whole life.
does anyone have any idea what kind of help he needs? or we need? what could be wrong with him? is it mental illness... please help.

[mj14]

ersatzelevator, welcome to the forums.

When I read your post, something sounded so familiar about your husband's behavior, especially when you said that he tells you he lies because he doesn't want to hurt you, or get into a fight with you. I think one of the things that abuse does is make a person deathly afraid of conflict, because during childhood, even little conflicts can turn into fighting and hitting. Also, with a lot of abusive parents, the "rules" change a lot...something that was ok one day is a horrible offense another day...so abused children can learn this behavior of trying to mind-read, to anticipate what might possibly be considered bad today that wasn't bad yesterday. It sounds like maybe your husband is acting out of this need to avoid conflict. He's not trying to hurt you with his lies, he's trying to keep you happy. I know that's kind of a skewed way to think of it, but remember just how screwed up his upbringing was...he had no example of reasonable behaviors and consequences.

It sounds like you both love each other very much, and I would think that couples therapy might really help you handle this problem. I think it's important for you to work on this together...he will need to work on having faith that you can handle the truth, even if you might not like it, and you need to work on understanding that his behavior is not personal, it's just an old messed up coping mechanism. A good therapist should be able to give you ways for you both to get to a better place.

Good luck.

*hugs*
Jo

[Wants2Fly]

Welcome to the forums, ErsaleEl. You've come to the right place for love and support.

There is a LOT going on in your story. I hope that you are in counseling right now. If you are not, I hope you will get a therapist soon. It would be great if your husband would join you for couples counseling, but if he won't right now, start with you.

Another place to get support is Al-Anon. It doesn't matter whether your husband is an alcoholic, or drug abuser, or not. They help an individual recover from co-dependent behaviors and develop healthier ways of being in relationships.

Best wishes for finding the resources you need. Keep coming back to the forums, too.