[seeker1950]

Well, I woke up early this morning, determining that I would do this today...apologize to someone for something that happened a long time ago.
When my daughter was young, elementary age (she's 28 now), she had a girlfriend from down the street with whom she played daily. I was friends with her mother. They were playing in our family room, and the little girl hit her head on the patio glass door, shattering the door, and getting a bump on her head. Otherwise, she was okay. I said I needed to call her mother, but she pleaded with me not to do so, since her mother would get hysterical. I sent her home, without calling, which was wrong. Then, when my husband came home from work (and this is the BAD part!), he made me call them, not to check on the little girl, but to demand that THEY pay for the patio door repair thru THEIR home insurance. I actually DID this! Where was my brain ??? and what was I thinking? There are actually a couple of other incidents like this that he made me do....but why did I? Why didn't I stand up to him, or just make HIM do such a thing!

Needless to say, it made the mother very angry....first of all that her child could have been injured, and then the request for her to pay for it! She ceased speaking to me after that, and wouldn't let her child play with my daughter from there on. She and I are both teachers, and we see each other rarely, but we do now speak and chat. I'm thinking I need to call her to discuss what happened, and give a belated apology. What are your opinions on this?

OH, and yes, I divorced him.
Patty

[pachyderm]

Sounds like an excellent idea to me!

[sabby]

(((((((((((((( Patty )))))))))))))

That must have been a very difficult position for you to be in. To answer your question about what you were thinking......how about survival? We do what we need to do to survive.....even though in our hearts we may realize it's wrong morally....but survival will win over morality many many times.

I say go for it.....apologize to this woman. I don't know how she will respond. She may decide to continue being angry and holding a grudge, or she may soften and accept your apology. Either way, you will have been able to say to her what you've wanted to say for a good long time.

In the mean time, consider your intent when the issue went down. If your intent was to survive whatever your husband might have thrown at you if you did not do as he demanded....then the onus is on him. Unfortunately, we are judged by others wrongly, especially if they do not understand why we have done them wrong. We cannot always control that part.

(((((((((((((( Patty ))))))))))))


sabby

[seeker1950]

Thank you, Sabby, and Pachyderm...
During the entire 20 year marriage, we never had any friends. I would make friends, and if we as a couple visited socially or had them over, the friendships would cease...he was so abrupt and unfriendly.
I had bought a loom for my weaving studies, but when I left him, I left everything in the house with him, also letting HIM write the divorce and call all the financial shots... writing the divorce agreement himself without lawyer. I needed the loom for my weaving studies at the university many years after the divorce. I had bought and paid for it myself, but he refused to let me have it! I guess I was intimidated, and just happy to be free of him.
Still, this is no excuse for how I allowed him to dictate how I handled the incident with the little girl.
You are right, Sabby. The mother may not respond positively to my apology. I still intend to do it.
LOve
Patty

[Lenny]

It is hard to move into the future without clearing the past seeker...

My list of ammends was long and with each came a bit of freedom.

Fear creates a world of pretense,,where everything is not what it seems..He made you afraid,,simple as that.

I don't like people who make other people afraid...guess you don't either...LOL..Good for you.

I'm sure your friend from long ago will accept your appology and you may find that in those days,,she was afraid too...

Talk about it with her...

Lenny

[kimmydawn]

I'm with you. I would still want to apologize as well...explaining that our recent talking again prompted it as it always felt bad, and did at the time.

She may not respond well, but chances are that she will...especially if she's talking with you again. If she's talking with you again it seems she's made that progress on her own anyhow? It might just be the icing on the cake?

Mostly, though, you're apologizing for the right reason...it's the right thing to do when we feel we've "wronged" another. No matter how her response, you've done the right thing...even many years later. Says alot about you, lady.

Good luck and let us know, k?

KD

[seeker1950]

Yes, Lenny...I do look on this as making amends.
Thanks,
Patty

[seeker1950]

I did talk to her, and gave my apology. She actually returned my call after I had left a message on her phone, and she is all the way down in TX with her daughter.
I think she was surprised to hear from me, and even more surprised that I mentioned and apologized for the incident with her daughter. But she was gracious and said it was "forgotten." to which I agreed with her, but explained that I had been thinking about it and felt the need to contact her.
I think it went well.
Thanks all of you!
Love
Patty

[sabby]

That is so awesome ((((((( Patty )))))) I'm so glad she was gracious and cordial towards you. I hope you can breath more easily now!


sabby

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Patty -- I read this after you'd already made the decision. I thought it sounded like a good idea. I'm glad it turned out positively.

[Fuzzybear]

That is fantastic what a weight off your mind ! I can truly feel where you are coming from and you have inspired me to apolagise to people for things that have happend.

Thank you....

Trish.

[seeker1950]

Thank you...to all of you who responded to my question about this!
It still baffles me how I let my ..then..husband dictate how this was handled. And I thank those of you who seemed to have some insight into this kind of relationship dynamic. I let him call the shots, no doubt about it.
It's curious that I've always thought of myself as an independent thinking, but looking back now, after so many years, I recognize that I was conditioned not to challenge or disagree with him. If I pushed an issue, it would result in his having violent fits...not hitting me, but breaking things like holes in the wall, windows, etc. Once, early in the marriage, at bedtime, when I challenged him on some issue, he chased me out the bedroom and down the stairs with his gun, which he kept by the bed.
I became very passive during the whole 20 years. I did try to talk to him rationally about separation and divorce, to which I would be told emphaticallly that I would be "out in the street with nothing," and that he would take our daughter away from me. I believed him, feeling i had no rights.
Sorry for the long rant. I've been free of him for 10 years now, so it's all water under the bridge. I don't even think about it, except needing to make this apology brought it all back up in my mind.
Thanks and love to all of you!
Patty