[seeking]

I have not posted for a while. I decided to observe my situation and 'delay gratification' so to speak, work through the problems, take time to understand and hopefully in the end find out whether I can stay in this situation or not.
My relationship with my husband is so fragile, different from day to day. The past 12 days have been rather good, we communicated well. His son has gone back to his mother for the holidays so we have privacy (which means so much to me)!
Our financial situation has been bad over the past year but now towards the end of this year it is simply a disaster.
My husband had put in a few days leave between Christmas and New Year. Originally we were going to stay at home but then he suggested we visit family in England. That did not pan out and I suggested we travel through a neighbouring country by car if we were serious about getting away. I welcomed getting away because staying at home would mean him watching Friends videos over and over and falling asleep on the couch and me going off to bed by myself at night. Going away would mean spending quality time together doing what we both love. Before making the final decision I asked him if he is absolutely sure if we can afford this. I said to him I was actually going to do some temp work for this holiday period for spare cash and I needed to know so I could commit. He said money will be tight but yes it is a good idea.
So I started researching and making arrangements. I should know by now to follow my instinct 'cause this is not the first time he changes his mind.
If I did not ask him this morning to sit down with me so we can calculate what the trip would cost, he still would not commit. When I showed him the approx. budget for the trip, he realised that January would be an even tougher month financially. But still he uhmed and ahed, not being able to commit - either way. I finally said I understand if we cannot afford it, maybe we should stay. He messes with my head! He confuses me and p*sses me off 'cause he is so non-commital.
We are in financial difficulty but still he supports his parents, drives an expensive car which does give us both a lot of pleasure when we go off-road but extremely expensive to maintain.
I really think if I got a permanent job and were able to support myself, I would go. Sometimes I think that somehow I ended up with this person and should stick it out, loyalty, promises etc. and lots of lessons to be learnt. But the way I feel today, if I had spare cash I would be gone. I wouldn't mind getting that photography job on a cruiseliner and be off for 3/6 months.
I have gone on a bit. His little 'dreams' just leaves me so dehydrated!
Thanks for listening!