Caught boyfriend in lie

I don't know what to do. I really love my boyfriend and he treats me real good, but I caught him in a lie and I feel like I cannot trust him. He is telling me the truth now, but how do I know that he is not lying now? I hate when someone lies to my face especially when I have not done anything to them. What should I do. If I let this go he will just keep lying. How do I stay with him and trust him as well as staying with him and making sure he knows that lying to me is not going to cut it because the next time I might not get back with him. How would you handle this situation?

First weigh the severity of what he lied about, you did not say what it was that he lied about. When lies are related to another woman in a guys life then I would have to say that is a touchy area. By making it clear that if he lies again your "out of here" is good. . . right to the point! I won't go into details but 2 yrs ago my husband pulled a cutie with his female co-worker which caused me almost 2 yrs. of psychiatrist visits, therapy, and medications some how we got thru it I still get setbacks but not too bad. Deep down inside I feel untrusting of him but I no longer obsess over it, plus I told him if ever again he can expect a divorce and I'll take it to the max!! Being married for almost 24 yrs. and knowing each other for 31 yrs. I do not think either one of us is going to leave, if the future has different plans for us then we will just have to deal with it. Bottom line do not let anyone take advantage of you and take a relationship slow give each other space at times, relax if the lie was really no big deal let it go, but just state your piece. Let us know how things work out. Take care,
"darkeyes"

Hi,
it's not such a big deal if your boyfriend lied to you for some reason...give him a second cheance...sometimes in life it's better to lie than to tell the truth. He will appreceate you more if you'll not say almost everytime that he is a lier, but will let him to get back to you...In fact I don't know what kind of lie was...if he went out with another girl but told you that he worked late - this is serious.

Thanks for replying to my post. It may not be a big deal if he lied to me for some reason, but it is a big deal when he continues to lie to me. I have given him 4 chances already and I am not going to give him anymore chances. Don't you agree? Yes his lies have to do with another woman and I feel that it is serious. I am not trying to have him bring something home to me.

Faith,
Dump him! You deserve better than that. In time you will find yourself happy that you did. Take care of yourself and drop back in here and say"hi"
"darkeyes"

Darkeyes,
Thanks for the advice. I was so close to dumping him the week of Christmas, but our relationship seems like it is doing so much better. Better than it has been in the beginning. I am not going to give him anymore chances, If he messes up again I am going to walk away and don't turn back. I have the strength to do that, but I am going to see how our relationship works and he is showing that he wants to be about it so I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt until he does something to f**k it up. I am out the door. You know the song " When a Woman's Fed Up " by R Kelly. Well I will be beyond fed up and won;t even think or consider getting back with him and he knows that. He just got a cell phone turned on so I know that it will be very easy for him to slip up when a cell phone is involved. If he doesn't slip up on that tip I am going to be really surprised. I guess I am just preparing myself now for anything because when he hurts me again it will be easier for me to move on and/or walk away no matter what I feel for him. Right now he is making me happy and I am happy and that is all that matters. His father, my man, and I had a talk a few days ago and his father said that I can come and move in with them. I would love to move in with my man considering that I am always there anyway and I am not getting along with my family at home, but I don't know what to do. What do you think that I should do? We have only been together for a few months. We both love each other and his parents really like me. His father told me that other day that I was his daughter and he is my father. His father also said that he loves me. He also excepts me for who I am he doesn't faught me for my past. That meant alot to me. His father and I talk all the time. My father nor any other grown man has talked to me like his father talks to me. That means a lot to me too. Well I hope to hear from you soon.Take care and I hope that your holidays were nice

Faith,
It is good if you can make it "work", but if it is growing weak don't wast time being in denial that will only make decision making harder but again do not make impulsive decisions I have with other matters in my life and have regret till this very day. I am going on 45 this month there are many things I am happy for in my life but other things I am sorry I did not do when I was younger. As motherly or sisterly advice try to slow down and think about your plans, do not obsess but try not to overlook all the options, life can really be great, take the time to enjoy it, oh yes one more thing whatever the problem is with your family try to get along, my family is very dsyfunctional but some how we have managed to keep things on an even keel, it is hard but give it a try. . . life is to short to be miserable, right kid? I hope my advice can help you
"keep smiling"
"darkeyes"

Darkeyes,
It seems like there is one problem after another involving other women. I went to the store with him to get a cell phone tured on and activated and then when my man and I were in the hotel room his ex girlfriend who lives in another state called him at 8am in the morning. He lied to me and told me it was the wrong number when I asked who it was. Then the phone rang again and he wouldn't answer it and then it rang again and I tried to answer it but he wouldn't let me get to the phone and I was fightiing him for the phone and still couldn't get to it. Then he told me that it was his ex girlfriend. He doesn't know how she got his new cell number. Then I heard a message she left him and she was upset talking about you are not home and you turned your phone off. Why couldn;t you be a man and tell me you had someone else. And she was crying. Then I called her back and talked to her and she told me that he has been calling her from work. And he called her Friday night, but she was not home and that is why she called him this morning. And she talked to him a couple of days ago telling her that he loves her and that she can move down there and live with him and that only she completes him and all this stuff. She asked me how long we have been together and she was so happy that I called because now she knows that he has been lying to her and that she appreciates the phone call. She can move on with her life. Then he tells me that his friend gave her his number. I just don't know what to believe. I don't know what to think. If he had nothing to hide he would have answered the phone or let me answer the phone. What do you think about all of this? Thanks for all of the advice. I really apprecaite it. I hope to hear from you soon.

Faith,
This is really a tough one, let's face it as painful as splitting up may be you may need to do it I mean this for me would be the "last straw"!! I do not mean to get nosey but I hope if you are having sex you are having protected sex. Your guy sounds like he can use some therapy or counseling of some sort, he also needs to "growup". I do not want to tell you to split up but it seems he has no regard for your feelings and that is NOT RIGHT!! I know I would and could not stay with a guy who repeatedly cheats on me. Also DO NOT ever blame yourself if this relationship ends sometimes guys or girls will try to make the other person feel guilty, don't! It may be time to move on with your life, time is too precious to waste. . . I hope things start to get better for you no matter what you decide to do, take care of yourself and keep in touch.
"a hug"
"darkeyes"

Darkeyes,
Thanks for the advice. He just told me today that he is going to go into the army. He wants to marry me so that I can go with him. The thing is that I know that it would be good for me to move some where else, but at the same time I think that it is too soon to talk about marrige. We have had a rough beginning to begin with so I really am I just seeing how the next month is going to, but it looks like we are going to split up for good because I cannot marry him right now. It is too soon. I don't even trust him. I am not going to marry anyone I cannot trust. He is treating me so kuch better though, but still is has only been a few days since the phone incident. I don't knnow what to do. I am not ready to get married and especially not to him yet. I don't want to go with him because I would have to marry him, but I don't him to go. I want him to stay because I want to be with him. I'm so confused. I really do love him and I know that he loves me, bit it is now going way too fast. What should I do?

faith,
I hope you don't mind a male's point of view here. You sound very full of doubts and fear about this relationship, and rightfully so. I don't think there's any doubt that you love your boyfriend, but I think that trust is the issue here. To me trust is the cornerstone to any relationship. If it doesn't exist, then there is little chance of the relationship surviving. Is moving somewhere else with him going to make you trust him more? I think you're absolutely right that marriage is a bad idea right right now. If he is serious about joining the Army, maybe that time of separation will give you both the time you need to see how you really feel about each other. If it's meant to be, you'll know it. My wife and I took a year apart early in our relationship because we were unsure that we were right for each other. We got back together and will celebrate our 13th anniversary this year. Trust your instincts faith.

I hope whatever you decide to do, the choices you make bring you happiness.

bptoo

Faith, I personally feel this a time though difficult to let him go maybe the army will help him GROW up. The time apart will determine if you really do love each other in fact maybe you both need time apart to help get your head together. Marrying him now would be a big mistake, he has not done anything you can trust him about and that my friend would make for a horrible marriage, which no one needs especially if you were to have a child, I grew up in a dsyfunctional family or should I say I SURVIVED it my mom and dad always and still are fighting all the time and she always goes back to his "affairs", etc. Believe me it is bettter if you go through the pain now of seperating than to live in denial with a partner you can not trust. I hope I haven't hurt your feelings it is just that I hate to someone being taking advantage, and it sounds like your guy has really over done it!! Please take care of yourself
"darkeyes"

You say he loves you and treats you well, but you also say he lies to you and cheats on you and he takes you for granted and flirts with other women in front of you and sleeps at other womens houses and says he doesn't give a f*** about your feelings or concerns and asks you for money and doesn't pay you back and...girl I got to wonder, where is your head??? From where I'm sitting, none of this man's actions are loving ones....for sure he doesn't love or treat you the way you deserve to be loved and treated. Would you do ANY of these things to someone you love? Would you advise any of your girlfriends to stay with a man who treated them this way? I just bet you wouldn't....you know already that he is just being plain mean and cruel and unkind.
How long do you really think it is going to be until you make a phone call to his cell phone and another woman answers it.....how long do you think it's going to be until some woman tells you that she loves him now and that he loves her not you?
The man is not your friend darlin'. Somewhere out there is a man who will want to spend every waking moment by your side....he will cherish you and make you laugh and show you beautiful things he has found while he was out working to pay the bills...beautiful things that made him think of you and how much he loves you.
Go find this man who will love you like this coz this is the kind of love and carin' you have to give in that big beautiful heart of yours....you deserve nothing less than to be treated the same way as you treat and love others.

I agree that what this guy is doing is not loving and you can do much better. I have been in the same position and wish now I would have got out sooner. But that's over and done with. I think maybe if you are very conflicted about this a counselor could help you, too. My self-esteem is somewhat better than it was when I was in that position years ago. I needed to get help to get away from him. I left but we went back and forth and then he started flaunting the fact that he was cheating. That was like he had no respect for me. He needed help and drank a lot, too. But still the pain of that is hard to forget. It's over with now, thank God! So, I think maybe if you get some counseling it might help you if you have issues like low self esteem and self worth. Sometimes we deep down inside think we cannot do better. I know you can and so can I. I hope I can at least.

<font color=red>You can also send me a private email here or email me at my listed email.</font color=red>

No I don't mind a male's point of view. Actually I would like a male's point of view as well too. It is good to know from both sides. Yes, I do love my boyfriend, but your right trust is a big issue here. On top of all that was going on I just found out that this new girl that just started working with him who everyone is all pressed over her well my boyfriend went to the station where she was working at and he asked her if she wanted to go with him for some coffee and she drove with him and that was that, but he told me that he went to her station to talk to her concerning the job and then he left. He just happened to leave the part out about him treating her to coffee. I wonder why that is. I find out a month later through her.He also has bee confiding in her and talking to her about me and our relationship. She was like I know more about you then you know more about me because he is always talking about you. He told me that she likes him and that he was inticing her. I mean damn there is one situation after another invloving a woman. When I confronted him he said that it was no big deal and there was nothing to tell. My whole thing is if you are going to bring up something tell the whole story not half of the story. It made me feel like he has something to hide and why is he keeping that a secret. I mean I tell him everything. Anyways, I don't know how much more I can put up with this [censored]. I am really going to have to have a talk with him because it seems like nothing is changing. It seems like it is getting worse. He saids he loves me and he wants to be with me, but he is trippin off this broad at work just how everyone else is trippin. I am getting really fed up. No moving somewhere else with him is not going to make me trust him even more. I would be making a huge mistake if I left with him now and/or married him. I can't even trust him. He also always keeps his cell phone on vibrate and he never used to do that before. I think that him leaving would be a good idea and I can't go with him. I deserve so much better and when it comes to other women I cannot trust him on that factor. Other than that issue he treats me real good. So it is like emotionally I am caught in between and right now I have no clue what to do. Thanks for all the advice and I am glad that you and your wife are doing good.
Faith

Yes, it is so hard to let him go. I do think that he does need to grow up. I have no intentions on marrying him right now or leaving with him to the army. There is always one thing after another and now somehting else just occured dealing with another woman. I just found out that this new girl that just started working with him who everyone is all pressed over her well my boyfriend went to the station where she was working at and he asked her if she wanted to go with him for some coffee and she drove with him and that was that, but he told me that he went to her station to talk to her concerning the job and then he left. He just happened to leave the part out about him treating her to coffee. I wonder why that is. I find out a month later through her.He also has been confiding in her and talking to her about me and our relationship. She was like I know more about you then you know more about me because he is always talking about you. He told me that she likes him and that he was inticing her. I am sure he is just doing that to make me jealous, but I don't have time for these games. I mean damn there is one situation after another invloving a woman. When I confronted him he said that it was no big deal and there was nothing to tell. My whole thing is if you are going to bring up something tell the whole story not half of the story. It made me feel like he has something to hide and why is he keeping that a secret. I mean I tell him everything. Anyways, I don't know how much more I can put up with this [censored]. I am really going to have to have a talk with him because it seems like nothing is changing. It seems like it is getting worse. He saids he loves me and he wants to be with me, but he is trippin off this broad at work just how everyone else is trippin. I am getting really fed up. I would be making a huge mistake if I left with him now and/or married him. I can't even trust him. He also always keeps his cell phone on vibrate and he never used to do that before. I think that him leaving would be a good idea and I can't go with him. I deserve so much better and when it comes to other women I cannot trust him on that factor. Other than that issue he treats me real good. So it is like emotionally I am caught in between and right now I have no clue what to do. I grow up in a dysfunctional family as well myself. No you have not hurt my feelings in any way. I understand where you are coming from. Yes, I think that he is taking advantage of me. He has done a lot for me that no other man has ever done for me and treated me better than any other man has treated me, but I know that I do deserve so much better than what I have been getting from him and I have not done things to him to hurt him. Maybe I should start carrying things how he is carrying things. I don't know. What do you think? Thanks again for all the advice and I hope to hear from you soon.
Faith

I keep asking myself where is my head. I am so fed up I am about through. I know that there is something wrong with me if I continue on being with him. I need to move on. That is what I am in the process of doing? Right now I am working my *** off to not have time to spend with him. Maybe that will help me get over him faster. No I woudn't do any of those things to someone that I love. I treat him so good and I don't do the things he does to me. I would not advise any of my friends to stay in a relationship like I am in. You are making a very good point. I know that I can do so much better and there is better out there for me. I am going to find that special one because I haven't found Mr. Right yet. I know that he is waiting for me and I am not going to be truelly happy until I let go of the man I am with now. Thanks for all your advice and I hope to hear from you soon.
Faith

I am glad that things are better for you know. I think I should see a counselor. You are right. It is so sad because I have only been with this guy for 2 1/2 months and we moved so fast. Our feelings for each other grew so strong and not just sexually and we have been through a lot together in that short time. I keep feeling like I am teaching him how to be a good man for the next woman. I shouldn't feel that way. I deserve a good man and no matter how hard he tries he always does something to make me feel differently about our relationship. Read my recent posts I just sent and you will know what happened bewteen us recently. I don;t know how to look at that sitaution and I am so fed up and I don't know what to do now and I don't know how to carry it now. What should I do. I hope to hear from you soon and thanks for the advice,
Faith

Yes, I read the other posts, too. I would trust my instincts if I were you. When a man acts as he does it makes us feel crazy when they deny it over and over or tell lies about it. When love is good it feels good and when it feels bad I wonder how committed one is not being toward the one who is committed.
I've had several men like he is and to me they seem to be so charming and they charm the pants off of all the women they see, it seems. Or at least a few I knew did. They needed to change their ways but were not interested in doing so for me even. I got out of it and it hurt so very bad. It was degrading, humiliating, hurtful and so disrespectful to me.

I loved one so bad that the only way I got out of the relationship was by joining a group at Al Anon. But then even I felt weak and when I learned he found someone else right away I almost died emotionally. Then I found out he was with her all the time we were together and that was over 3 years. What finally happened after we had trists from time to time and I felt totally like s h .. he had a heart attack and died! I am still traumatized by that relationship. He was not willing to get any help like I insisted he do. He wanted to remain as he was and saw himself as a player, I guess. He was proud of it. I now want to find a man who shows all the signs of being truthful, honest and devoted to me. I deserve that and not being run over with a mack truck like he did to me. I stopped it from happening but it was hard and his dying really put an end to it. Yes, I grieved. It was so sad but now I know the signs and I trust my instincts. I run when a man is a player now. I want someone ready to commit to me faithfully. What do you think now?

<font color=red>"The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience." Emily Dickenson</font color=red>

Sorry that it has taken me so long to respond back. Yes, I am going to follow my instincts for sure. When I haven't in the past I always regretting that. I need to start trusting my intincts, but this situation I am in now my intincts might be telling me right. See mine is trying to change his ways for me and for himself because he really wants to be with me. I'm sorry to hear what you went though in the relationship. Yes, I am the same. I run the other way when I see a player. I want someone who is honest, repectful, trustworthy, commited. I could go on and on. But I am now having another problem. We were talking today because he said that it is scarying him how he feels. He doesn't know why he has been so insecure and posessive. He said that he thinks he has a problem. I confronted him about another issue we were having. He was always telling me that if I leave him he would kill me. If he can't have me no one will have me. He said that he would stalk me. He said that if I broke up with him that it wouldn;t be an easy break up. He would do anything in his power to get me back. He said that if someone else got with me he would hurt that guy. I told him how I felt about him saying that stuff and he continued to say those things. When I asked him if he was just playing around and that is nothing to play around with he said that he was not playing around. That he was serious and that he really feels that way and he hoped that he is not scarying me because he doesn't want to scare me. He said that he is acutly insane. He said that he has issues he needs to deal with. He also told me that if he killed me he would kill himself. He said that he doesn't know what he might do if I broke up with him. He said that that scares him. He said that he would never hurt me. I am so scared. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be with him anymore no matter how bad I love him or feel with him. I told him that tht is not love and the way he feels towards me is not normal. I told him that he needs professional help. I told him that I am scared. I cannot live in fear. I am at the point now where I don't want to break up with him, but I know that it is the best move to make, but at the same time I am afriad of him. It is like I feel stuck. What should I do. I know that I deserve so much better and he is not the one for me. What should I do? What is wrong with him? Do you think he will really do what I just told you? Help me please? This is tearing me apart. How can someone I love and he loves me feel this way towards me? What am I doing to make him feel thta he has to be this way. Or he has to feel this way?

It is foolish to think he would not carry out his threats, you both need professional help ASAP!!! You see you are becoming a victim,also if you love someone you are not going to kill them not unless you are INSANE !! He told you he has issues well it sounds like it is way over due to get help. I do not want to bum you out but you are no help to one another you NEED outside help, get it SOON!! Take care and if you have a chance get back to us.
"darkeyes"

I don't know what happened but I replied to you yesterday but it did not post. My advice was to go to the police and report his threats. I believe it's illegal for him to say that to you. I also suggest you tell your parents and friends what he has said. I think you still need to get counseling so you can get away from him and over him and on to better things. CQ

<font color=red>"The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience." Emily Dickenson</font color=red>

If he is threatening you, and you are afraid, you can file a protection from abuse order that will prohibit him from having any contact with you, and he can be arrested if he even comes near you. I went through something similar, and the protection order was very effective in keeping him away from me. The process for this probably varies a lot from state to state, so the rest of this is just a guess based on my experience. You can probably file for this on your own, but it can take a lot of time to get through the red tape. If you can locate a women's center, they may be able to help you get through all of the procedural stuff - they even helped me get the man to pay all the expenses, which was very important at the time since he had control of all of my money. I found one by just looking in the phone book.

One more thing - it helps when seeking this kind of order to have as much detail of the threat as possible - this is a court action, and they want proof that you really have a reason to fear him. So, try to write down the instances where he has threatened you in as much detail as possible, listing the date and times, and as closely as possible what he said, any threatening body actions, etc.

You are right. I know that I need professional help. I start counseling on Tuesday. I want to get better because something is wrong with me to stay with a man that treats me like this. It shows how weak I am. I hate that feeling. I also broke up with him tongiht and it is for good. I am fed up. He needs help. I plan on getting my life together and not get involved with anyone right now. Thanks agian and I hope to hear from you soon.

I haven't gone to the police and reported his threats, but I have told my family, friends, his friends, and my doctor's at the hospital. Everyone knows. I start counseling on Tuesday. I know that that will really help me. Staying with this guy is showing how weak I am and I hate that feeling. I am going to get my life together and do better for myself. This relationship has put a toll on me and I can't deal with it anymore. Anytime I am crying everyday I know that this person is not the one for me. Thanks alot and I hope to hear from you soon.