[cms39]

I had to see in-laws over the holidays - on Christmas day. What my problem is, is that many members of this family ignore me when I am talking right to them or speaking their name VERY LOUDLY. There are a few members who have a HABIT of IGNORING me. AND it really pushes my buttons. Being ignored is the worst thing in the world to me. I was up at 3 am writing a letter to one of the offenders.

My husband says his family ignores HIM too, so maybe I am being ignored because I am married to him. He doesn't know when exactly they began ignoring him like this so we can't pinpoint the reason.

Neither one of us wants to go to another of his family's functions. But we have to draw names and write a poem, so I'm trying to figure out how to get out of it. The only thing I can think of is to leave the state.

[SpazKatt]

I WISHED my family ignored me I HATE the center of attention, being the oldest grandchild stinks, I wished I could hide!!! I always have to live up to these great expectations and everyone wants a part of me I feel stretched way too thin and I'm expected to deal with everything gracefully! I just thought I'd offer the other side of the story. *hugs*

[cms39]

hmmmm - I like being alone with my thoughts, but being ignored just burns me up. I realized I was very sad about it just last night. Thanks for your story Katt.

[SpazKatt]

you're welcome... I find out always want what others have

My dad used to ignore me.. or still does. When I was a kid and I would walk up to him sitting on the couch. I'd ask a question nervously. And he wouldnt even turn his head to acknowledge me. He'd continue watching whatever sports game was on. It hurt soooooooo much. I'd walk away after saying his name a few times. or he would scream at me to go away.

I understand your pain ((((((((cms))))))))))

esthersvirtue

[misty]

I do not know how long you have been around your inlaws but I always had a very hard time being around mine for many years because of just that. It's improved and the less insecure I am the better. Today I make sure that I am in a good space if I visit and if not then I don't go and I don't have to feel guilty about it. My mother inlaw is the one I struggel with the most today because she's even talked about me to my husband as if I'm not there. Talk about pushing buttons that does it for me. It's weird because ever since I decided that I wasn't going to visit them when I'm not feeling up to it even if my husband does, my mother inlaw comes to visit more which puts her on my turf which is much easier. She doesn't seem to cross that line in my home. We've been married 27 years so there's been a lot of time getting to know them and them me and I am not the easiest person to get to know either. Just wanted to share my experiance to let you know you're not alone and to let you know it is ok to not visit them if you are not up to it that it doesn't have to be totally shutting them out if you don't want to but ok when needed. So far so good for me.
Larks

[cms39]

Hey Sky, BOY your mother-in-law. Mine is pretty nice. I think, though, that she thinks I don't work very hard and I haven't given her any grandchildren, so I'm certainly not the favorite daughter-in-law! Although, at one gathering, she was rather impressed with my potato-peeling skills! Yay!

I told my mother that I think my mother-in-law likes THE FAMILY I COME FROM better than she likes ME personally. My mother pointed out I'm not so bad. We started listing things like:
A: Never been in jail.
B: Not currently "wanted" in this state or any other.
C: Don't have a tattoo or at least don't have one in a private place and show it off!

Now, all you tattoo-wearers, don't be offended. I was just kidding around.

[cms39]

I have a college degree too, but it seems like she doesn't really believe it. I guess I don't have the fancy job title to back it up - company car, big bucks, things like that.

[Gemini_Baby]

Hey, cms39, I hear ya.

You know, I was married for 16 years. I used to think that my in-laws loved me to death, but as time went on, the ignoring got worse. Some of the things that would happen were that they would speak Spanish (my in-laws were Mexican) in my presence knowing I didn't know what they were saying. They would tell me to come into the kitchen and not sit alone in the living room and then proceed to speak Spanish. This was quite disheartening. Then there were the times I would be ignored unless I actually pitched in and helped with the house work. Although it was something I would have normally done, there were times that my mother-in-law would look at me with this look as she asked me to help out...kind of like she was saying "you never clean up do you?"

As a result, I slowly stopped wanting to visit them. And, while I thought I was a catch as well for my ex (I had a college degree, came from a pretty good family, etc.), it just didn't seem to make a fit for them. They would either not be pleased with me because they thought I was being snooty (please, I never had a snooty bone in my body), or I wasn't doing enough to be the "good little wife and mother". In their eyes, I just wasn't doing what they expected me to. They just couldn't get past the fact that we are all raised differently and we all have our good points and bad. The point is to be accepted for our good points and to be able to over-look what is perceived to be bad points, and not ignore the person. I mean our spouses marry us for who we are, and that should be enough for our in-laws to accept us.

Lastly, if your spouse has also always had this problem of being ignored, then I guess that's just the norm. Just go with the flow and do what you would normally do in any social gathering. Your in-laws seem to be doing just that anyway.

Hope your New Year is a happy one

[chloepie]

well, I feel the advice I can offer is that you won't be able to change them. So many people have issues with their in-laws, and because your hubby is having problems with his family too, I would not take it so personally.

Think of some of the things you could do to deal with the situation. You are going to have to change how you deal with the situation, because changing a whole group of people and their behaviors realistically won't happen.

It's a tough situation, but perhaps not spending as much time with his family is a start. And if you feel as though you are being ignored, especially by certain people, how about not talking to them? That way you won't get upset and you may have a more enjoyable experience.

I have to admit that seeing my boyfriend's parents is not always the best thing in the world, and often times I felt they ignored me or didn't care about me, but I realized that they come with the territory, and it's something I'll have to deal with. Now, when I'm around them, I already expect it, don't take it personally (because they are like that with my bf too), and my bf and I vent all the way home about it! I just follow their lead, because sometimes, in relationships like that - you just have to make things work...

I wish you luck, and trust me, I feel your pain...

[darkeyes]

Hi there,Boy, I can relate to this in a way, I have experienced that with my in-laws and own family.
I have observed, that it is not just me that they do this to, so I do not feel any longer it is directed to me.
I do see it is their rudeness and ignorance, not mine so I limit my time with such people or even have declined being in their gatherings. I do not know if you are able to do the same or try this manner of dealing with them, being that I do not know your family,in-laws and your relationship.
I know it annoys me when we travel hors to visit them (holidays) I just cringe, and hope not to let it upset me too much, I think I have gotten use to it.
Another thing is when I have mentioned it to my husband he claims he doesn't notice it as well as not noticing that they making fun of my ancestory, they do not like other nationalities but their own.
The best is to try to distance yourself to these sort of folks.
I wish you the best with this, cause I know for the longest time I kept thinking I was boring them, or their conversations were more important, then I stopped myself from thinking that way, after all I do socialize verbally, make small talk in the public and many people talk to me, so I no longer take any of my in-laws or relatives rudeness and ignorance to heart, I hope in time you will develop this approach as I have, it takes awhile but will get easier in time.

Take care and have a good new year

DE