teens and stepfamily

I am in desperate need of reinforcements. I could write a laundry list of problems that we are having. But I'll keep it as short as I can.
3 teens are mine.........1 5 year old is ours
My husband thinks the worst of my 3 older children. The facts are: they have never been in trouble, good grades, part time jobs, no drugs or alcohol, they are sassy, and don't help out much around the house, my middle son is ADHD and very loud. Our latest issue is that he thinks I should forbid my ADHD son from spending his own money on more guitars,etc. I feel like it is wrong to tell my son how he can spend his money. He earned it and received it as Christmas gifts. While I may think he should be spending it more wisely or saving for college, etc., I don't think I have a right to forbid him to spend it on a specific thing. My husband says: "Aren't you the mother? Then you have every right to tell him how he can spend his money." I disagree. Then he counters with: "At what age can a child call the shots about spending his money?" (in a very sassy sarcastic tone I might add) I say spending equals learning. They have to learn from their mistakes just like anyone else. I talk to my kids about things they might want to consider doing with their money. But I think, that is where the buck stops. Help! This sounds so minor. But it is only one of many similar issues. I just want him to butt out where my 3 older kids are concerned. I know that is not good for the relationship. But we simply can not agree where they are concerned. Does this ring a bell for anyone?

Granted they are your kids and you want him to butt out as to how your raising them, what happens when you need him to get involved , he can say you asked him to butt out, also a child needs to learn respect to get respect, children need to help with household chores, this teaches them responsibility.
Angie

My oldest daughter was not my husbands and the other two (girl and boy) were. I believe he treated the girls (his or not) differently then our boy. I know that step or not the kids know how to play one parent aginst the other if they know they disagree on something. Just my experiance and food for thaught. Oh, I want to add your kids sound like typical kids and not leaning twords defiance as far as self destructive I say Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is awesome!!!!!!!!
Larks

My experience with my teen step daughter and my wife is different. It is my wife who restricts my step daughter's spending of her own money. Since our marriage we have talked about this type of control and I agree with you to a certain level. While my wife compromised and has loosened my step daughters purse strings, there is still some control over what she buys. My step daughter is being taught the value of money by being given the option to buy most anything she wants, however, if she spends all of her money then when it comes time to go to the movies, etc., then she has to do without. Also, she is responsible for her own cell phone, which is about $35.00 per month. If she has not paid her bill by doing the dishes or other chores, then she doesn't earn money to spend. Her money has more value to her now since mom and dad have made her responsible for much of her entertainment. It's about helping her make better spending choices.

Also, I'd like to add that I don't think the money issue has anything to do with being a step father but more of an issue about how to raise children. I think if looked at deeper, you feel he thinks you may have done a bad job of raising your kids when it comes to respect. I'm certainly not saying this is true, I'm just wondering if this is the case. If so, please share.

I was hoping this discussion would go further...
*sighs*

It sounds like you two need to agree on your family life. Now, I'm childless, but for what it's worth, I think it's important that parents agree on what the important issues are. Once you work out between you, then you can issue the "rules."

I'm not sure you need to "forbid" buying of guitars, but perhaps your son needs just a little guidance about other avenues for the money. Just my inexperienced thoughts.