[Leharas_mind]

Why is it so hard to let go of the pain the memories and the hurt that feels eternal and inescapable?

I have went days keeping my emotions under control but the feeling of sadness is inescapable it's like I was not meant to escape it or avoid it in life. It is hell for me. It is a problem for me I am trying to do hw but the feeling is just growing stronger I mean I don't want to face it I just went to let it all go but it keeps coming up again in my obsessive brain, I want to cry in a fetal position on my bed and I also just want to self-medicate with pills to relax my mind...I can't forget this guy and the abandonment and rejection I had to go through. AGAIN.

Sometimes I think if the guys who have abandoned me in the past were mean guys that ended up leaving me it would all be better and make more sense but that is not the case. These guys all seemed perfect and kind and I didn't think they would ever do me wrong. As much as I wish I could MOVE ON I CAN'T BUT I don't want to replace a guy with another I want to be okay with just being with myself. Happy with me.

How can I deal with these feelings? If any one has any ideas or positive reinforcements let me know please I am in a dire need of help right now because I don't want to fall....I have made progress in staying content and optimistic but I am having problems at the moment. Please write me if you have anything to say.

Thanks in advance

[sabby]

Hi Leharas_mind and welcome to PC!

Definitely sounds like you are struggling but you also have a good idea of being happy with yourself.

You say that each guy that left you, you had thought they were the perfect man. Could you be expecting too much from them? There is no true perfect man or woman for that matter. We all have our faults. Could you be blindly going along in your relationships thinking that everything is rosy and wonderful when truly it isn't? Are you missing signs within that relationship that may be pointing to a problem of some sort? I don't know if you are that way or not....that's why I'm asking.

How long has it been since your last relationship broke up? There is always a grieving period we go through after a breakup. We grieve over what we had shared, what we were working together towards, and all the possibilities we had hoped for in that relationship. Everyone grieves in different ways in different times. Could it be that you are being too hard on yourself and not really giving yourself time to be in the moment of grief? We must allow ourselves that time to feel it, to absorb it and then to move on.

After you have allowed yourself time to grieve and heal, that would be a good time to take stock in your past relationships and see if there are any common threads in why they worked and why they didn't work. Sometimes a small change in how we behave or how we perceive certain situations that can help make the next relationship work better. I like to think that I have taken some good lessons from all my relationships. I can learn from them and apply things to myself and my life in hopes that it will help take my next relationship to a different level. Self introspect can really help us to modify any behaviors we have that may be negative or self defeating in nature.

I'm also a firm believer that things happen for a reason. We may not always know what that reason is at the time, and it can be brought forward to us later down the road.

I hope you are feeling better soon. Take good care of YOU!


sabby

[Leharas_mind]

Thank you for the response

I know I do have a problem with expectations and expecting too much it's weird because at the same time I am fully aware that everyone is a person who make mistakes and mess up along the way just as I do....To answer your questions these past guys (Three) i'll tell you about them...

Zach: He was an internet guy who I never met but got close to over the net he made me believe everything was good then one day he didn't write back then after that, that was it he STOPPED almost entirely talking to me. It hurts when everything you thought was going so well turns out of no where. It took me eight long months to get over him fully I cried so much (That was my first heartbreak). (I cut to cope)

Jeff: He went to the military but before he left he liked me a lot he gave me his necklace and wrote me twice when in boot camp and then I wrote him a letter a normal one and I NEVER got a response back to it he came back and didn't contact me. Before he left with the way we spoke and the necklace I thought we still had something and I was willing to work through it. But he just stops talking to me only recently did he write and now we have spoke via myspace a couple of times it took me two months to get over him because of the next guy. (I took downers and dxm to cope, it was bad needless to say)

Frankie: He was a major reason I got over the tremendous hurt I suffered from the break up with Jeff. I kinda jumped into things with Frankie giving him my attention you see on a side note I like having a guy in my life to feel like they are there for me and like me. BUT this guy man I will tell you things were different he was the first guy I gave all of myself too emotionally if things didn't end I would have ended up loving him and I know I am only seventeen but I would have married him down the road if he asked me too. He strengthened my relationship with God he is the singer at the youth group I go to and everything was absolutely perfect, for example he said this in a text once:....."Ah I'm so happy to know an amazing girl like you!! man I adore you no worries " and he also said "your text messages make me so happy...I'm very happy right now. I'm not going to try and out do you but...you are the most precious jewel to me that has ever lived. I will hold, strive for, and cherish you always. You are so valuable to me. There's no price that can sustain you. You are on my heart mind and soul. I adore you always..." I mean do you see that how could I have known anything would go wrong. He led me on just like the others I just wish people were as sure about there feelings as I am in those situations you see I knew I was not getting scared off but he didn't until one day he just couldn't do it anymore. THAT LAST TEXT I SHOWED YOU WAS SIX DAYS BEFORE EVERYTHING WENT DOWN HILL do you see what I mean how could I have known.....Man I am really crying inside over that just six days how was I supposed to freakin know. Man this is torture. I am still grieving. I am so hurt. That relationship broke up probably August 16th so it is recent but still I just don't want to be sad I want to be like those people who move on fast I don't want to obsess over what went wrong because I can't change anything.

It is just so saddening I have SO MUCH TO OFFER in a relationship but it just keeps getting screwed up each time by these guys. I mean I am needy I can admit but it's because I like having a guy in my life I like to care for people it helps take away from being absorbed with myself and problems I admit...This is probably bad but it's how I am. I mean I am not a crazy girl who if I am with you I act like hey where are you? What are you doing? and stuff like that I give them their space and I put there feelings before my own and stuff...I JUST start acting or better yet I feel like I am going insane and asking a lot of questions when I feel they are about to leave "abandon me" and it is with good reason because they do that is when I get crazy and depressed. I AM CO-DEPENDENT it took years to realize that I thought I was Counter dependent but I am co instead.
That is why I want to be okay with being by myself so I don't royally screw myself over later on in life.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR RESPONDING IT DID HELP

[sabby]

You are welcome for the response. I have a bit of a different/new outlook on your situation now with the information you have given about these 3 guys and your age. Now don't get me wrong....I am not a teen basher by any stretch of the imagination. I was 17 once myself and I remember how everything in relationships was sooooooo hard and it ruled my life at that time.

Having a relationship online is one that is very tedious and tenuous as well. At the tender age of 17, you have not lived enough life yet to really make a good judgement of character in person never mind on the internet. I'm not saying that to be mean or to demean you. It's a proven fact that when a person hasn't lived enough of life, they haven't learned a lot of things that help us to make better decisions about our relationships. It's stuff that only life can teach us as we grow and age. Even adults have difficulties judging the character of folks online. In order to get that inner gut feeling about someone, most of the time we need to see their face, their eyes, their body language...its all very important in how we size someone up. We don't get that online. All we have online are words on a screen. People can be anyone they want to be....honest or deceitful....we just don't know for sure. Please be very careful with online friendships ok? Keep yourself safe at every turn.....it's the best thing you can do for YOU!

I look at the teenage years as a time of experimentation. Meeting and dating different kinds of people to find out exactly what we are looking for in a mate. We will never know what pleases us or what doesn't please us if we don't associate with different folks throughout our teens. To stay with one person may work out, but I think its more rare that it does. Take the time to work on you. Take the time to learn what makes people tick....what you want in a boyfriend, what you don't want in a boyfriend....make friends...have fun together, laugh and enjoy what you can right now.

You are right...you don't need someone in your life to define who you are. One of the best things you can do for yourself is be comfortable with yourself. To know that you don't need a man in your life to make you happy is a very freeing thing. Another person in your life should compliment what you already have in you.

I can also tell you that when you least expect it, the man of your dreams will reveal himself. If you keep looking and straining to find him...he will be elusive. So yes, do well by you...take care of you....be happy with you. When you have all of that going for you, you become more interesting to someone...and your relationships will take a much different color.

Hang in there! Keep working on YOU! You deserve it


sabby

[Locust]

Lehara,

I just wanted to respond because something you said is exactly the way I feel. You said, "Sometimes I think if the guys who have abandoned me in the past were mean guys that ended up leaving me it would all be better and make more sense but that is not the case." Exactly. I know what you mean. I also feel like I keep getting left by men I care about and have been totally blind sided (didn't expect it) a couple times. Those are the hardest ones to accept, I think. Also, I have a tendency for being with guys who feel one way one minute and are totally different the next. Unstable, conflicted, confused, flakey, etc. depending on which guy is in question.

While I know no one is perfect, my ex who left me was actually one of the best people I've ever met in my life, and I can say this even now. His leaving me didn't make him less of a wonderful person. I knew him for several years, and I believe I knew him well. He is seriously a wonderful person and he treated me as well, if not better, than anyone could hope for in a relationship. Yet, he left. Now, I don't blame him. Good people break up with people all the time. People even- for some reason or the other- leave people they still love sometimes. Anyway, the thing is, I thought it would have been easier for me to get over him if he had been a jerk, but he wasn't. He was a great person, a wonderful friend, and an amazing boyfriend. That made him harder to get over, but then again, I am glad he wasn't a jerk, in a way. I am glad for the time we shared together.

You said you only start to ask them a lot of questions when you feel they are about to abandon you. Sometimes people percieve impending abandonment when there is none. It is possible you suspect abandonment when none is near. If someone becomes ultra clingy, accusitory, argumentative, etc. when they suspect abandonment is nearing, they can potentially push their partner away. Eventually this can drive away a partner who even intented to stay. Now, I'm not saying these guys were your fault- in fact, it sounds like they had their own issues. However, just for future reference, this may be an issue you should look into.

Now, it sounds to me like these guys were either very flakey, or/and unstable, something happened that you were unaware of to change their direction with you, OR they weren't as serious about the relationship as you thought. I know that is hard to think about. May I ask how long you were seeing them?

Now, I would say it sounds like maybe you need to take some "you" time and try not to date for awhile. Try to straighten your own life and issues out maybe before getting serious about a guy. And try not to get serious about anyone for awhile. Just be casual maybe? I know sometimes we develop feelings we didn't intend to, but just try keeping it casual and work on your own issues and life. It may even help your next relationship to go better if you have your stuff straightened out. I think it would help me in relationships if me and my life weren't such messes right now.

Also, while it is definitely possible to have a serious relationship at your age and to have genuine feelings for someone, a lot of people are just playing the field, or not taking anything too seriously, so maybe these guys were more relaxed about the situation than you were. I know that is hard to think about, but it could explain some of their behavior. It really hurts when a relationship ends and you lose someone you care about, but the hurt usually numbs itself somewhat with time. Sort of our mind's way of protecting itself, I guess. Also, you said Frankie came as a result of losing Jeff. Just know other opportunities (other guys you care about and other things- like life opportunities) will come along that would never have come along if Frankie hadn't left. I am not saying it will make everything a-ok. I still have regrets about my last serious relationship. I still miss him, and there are scars there. Yet, I also have good memories. While part of me wishes he had never left, another part of me couldn't wish back the things that have come along as a result of him leaving. It is complicated. I do miss and love him, but I also have formed relationships (not purely romantic ones) that may have never happened otherwise, and I care for these people, as well. I also have experienced good things I never would have otherwise. I am not saying I am glad he left. I am not. But I can't say I wish these things hadn't happened or I had never met these people, either. I just wish I could have had both somehow. That's impossible, I know. Just saying, with the bad some good may come. It may not make it worth it to you, or it may be equal to the bad, or it may be even greater good than bad comes out of this for you. It is hard to say. I am just saying, this may bring good things to you along with the bad you've experienced, and I hope you see that good soon.

~Locust