[Chowder]

i've expressed my concern. But i'm thinkin either it’s cuz of my age, (therefore i'm not taken seriously), or there really is no need to be concerned. Thot that maybe someone here can give me an idea if i have justifiable reason for concern, or if i'm looking too much into this. So...here goes...
My parents are on the path of ultimate failure. Dad has been a great financial provider for my mom n me...but that’s about it. He's never been a "dad" to me....mom's been that...and more.....my best friend, really.
All while I grew up, i've witnessed dad be pretty abusive to mom....occasionally physically, mostly emotionally..Even to date., he's always emotionally abusive...very deliberate in verbal downgrading to us both. I never did form much of a bond with him. No physical hugs, loves...nothing even close to that. Maybe he'd hug me...but only out of feeling guilt tho. But i can tell u, it didn't feel like much to me at all. Sorta pathetic, really. If anything i feel pity for him.

I kno mom loves him, but also kno that she is no longer in love with him. (My God, how could anyone be with that sort of person?). Almost daily, I witness my dad call her these awful downgrading names with sole intent just to hurt her. Aware of any of her sensitive personal issues, he makes certain that those are thrown in as a last resort, if nothing else gets a reaction out of her. She has developed an emotional shield to the point where she merely sits numbly quiet while dad repeatedly verbally strikes her down. In my attempts of defending her, he then attacks me with all that thinks he has to use against me as well.
After his rants, which vary in duration, (some between a mere few minutes, while others seem to continue almost endlessly), he then has the audacity to attempt to console her, which is always ineffective. After that, and realizing that that tactic wont work, he actually begins to get upset again, demanding mom to explain why she no longer wishes to sleep with him, talk with him, or interact with him whatsoever. Meanwhile, mom grows even further away from him.

Long ago, mom had found another man. This relationship was found over the internet, with him residing in Europe, (we are in the states). Over time, she has become very serious with this man to the point where she and I had made one attempt to leave the states to live with him. A week before the departure date for Europe we were staying at a close friend of hers to get away from dad. He knew we were staying with her friend in the other state as a means of just taking a break, but had no idea about our intentions to leave for Europe. It was during that time that I talked mom out of leaving. We were intending to just leave without dad even aware of it, but deep down, she knew it wasn’t the right way to handle this. So, we returned back to dad.

I now deeply regret ever talking mom out of leaving. She seems to have become depressed. Her relationship with her new love seems to be suffering now because of the fact that she chose to remain in this abusive marriage with dad over a happy one with him, (their relationship has been going on for over a year now). Neither mom or I have met him as of yet, but we all interact daily online through msn, skype and cam corder. So, it’s not like this is one of those wishful situations. He has accepted mom and me with open arms. He is fully aware and receptive of all our issues, reassuring us that , with time, we will be able to work them all out. He even suggested possibly seeking a therapist to guide us thru this once we get there. Although he is hurt and disappointed over the decision mom had made, which I feel responsible for, he completely understands and is investing enormous amounts of patience and support. However, his patience is beginning to be tried and tested. Because of this depression that mom has seemed to slip in, she almost seems unable to even decide what to do. Her new love, and I both have tried to reassure her that the move away is for the best. Yet, she continues to remain in this struggle. She has mentioned to us both that she is afraid that she doesn’t want to make a wrong decision with this move. Neither he or myself understand why she is thinking this way, or even what it is she is thinking anymore. She seems she is capable of conducting herself in a rational manner, yet seems to repeatedly suddenly slip into all these doubts and fears. Just when we think we are getting ready to prepare ourselves for this move, she seems to suddenly sabotage it with all these "reasons" why we can’t go "just yet".
I must also include the fact that mom has sole custody of me, (not of legal age yet). Dad is not on my birth certificate, tho he is my paternal father. Mom doesn’t want any monetary support from him. She just wants a complete clean break with no future ties.
The fact is, her marriage to dad has died. She has found someone who truly loves her and me and who is willing to work thru our issues with us. But she keeps making excuses why not to leave, but insists she HAS to go, and WANTS to be with her new love.
Why the confusion? Can anyone help me with understanding this? Do I have every reason to be concerned? Does anyone have any suggestions, which can help me NOW, (although therapy is only obviously necessary, now is not the time to seek it).

I am indebted to any of you with any help u can offer me. Thank you all so very much.

Forever grateful ~ Chowder

[Junerain]

Chowder your mom is lucky to have you, you have such intelligence and depth for someone so young There is a middle ground here, emotional abuse is abuse too, yet a move to Europe might be too far off from something in the middle, you and your mother moving out, on your own, the two of youThere are battered women's shelters which allow safety, support for you and her, services they will set you up with, it's not just for physically battered but also emotional battery. Another route would be to talk to someone at school, a school counselor, about what is happening at home. Can you have your mom read what you posted here? Perhaps just reading what it's like for you, she may come to see the hurt you feel. Do you have a family doctor or better get a referral to a counselor? There are free youth centers with people to talk to in most towns. I am sure other people will write with ideas too, I care about you, please write us again

[Perna]

Have you asked your mother why? There can be all sorts of reasons, they'd be different for each individual; the way things look to you might not be how they are or look for your mother, that's always the case. We can't really know another completely, especially is it's a parent (or child) because of the differences in age. But like Junerain says, your mother is very lucky to have you, in there trying to understand and help. But we can't really help another or live their life for them and sometimes what they do affects us well/badly which is unfortunate.

It could just be a matter of a bit more time that your Mom needs or she may know something about your father and the marriage or herself that you don't. I'm sorry it is so rough on you, being in the "bottom" postiion. I know about that a little, I'm the youngest of 4 siblings and have always hated how I couldn't quite understand or see things from their perspective because I was so young at the time. It's not You or anything you're doing or not understanding, it's just that you can't do anything about your "time" or perspective. You're at the bottom of the tree, on the forest floor, and they're all battling it out up in the treetops.

[Chowder]

sooooooo much for taking out the time to reply. You have no idea what that means to me!

In reply to some of the responses:
I suppose I never considered asking her why because I think I already kno the answer. I believe it is linked to how she is perceived by those in her family. Mom was #6 in the line of10 kids. (7 boys, 3 girls, with mom being the oldest girl).

I remember mom telling me how when she was just entering her teens that her mom used to gather all her family together, sit her in a chair and have all her brother’s n sisters sitting opposite across, facing her. Each of them would have their turn to voice their opinion about what they thought was "wrong" with the way mom behaved (mom behaved (still) as any normal person. She was (is) no more abnormal than any of her siblings).
I think maybe it was her mom’s way of attempting to (I guess) establish a better understanding about mom. But I also understand that mom was not a problem child whatsoever. She was just as normal as anyone was. I think the problem was with her mom.

Anyway, not too long ago, I overheard mom telling her new love that she wished that she would get some kind of positive recognition or acceptance from her family pertaining to (anything really, but more accurately) her intentions of moving to him. She hasn’t told anyone in her family about it, though, because she thinks that they will only find fault in what she is struggling to decide. As it is, they all think that she is just a failure in life.

I think that maybe if she did tell them about it, that they might only confirm her suspicions by talking her out of it through the means of making her believe that this choice is just another disastrous mistake of hers waiting to happen.
Maybe then….Do you think that perhaps if one of my aunts or uncles would only support her choice, that their support alone would enable her the affirmation to move onward?

I truly find this so confusing cuz mom always taught me that love is unconditional. And that there should never be any ulterior motives for loving anyone, so long as it is healthy it is a good thing. Why, then, would her own brothers n sisters not want to support her in her time of need? It certainly is not because she has a shortage of sibling’s or anything.
And I always did wonder why her own mom instilled upon her that there was something wrong with her in the first place? The ONLY thing I can possibly see what may be categorized as "wrong" with my mom is the fact that she HAS listened to her family from the very start, thus eventually end up investing her life to a man with the very same neglectful tendencies. Confusing!!!

I love my mom very much and only want to see her happy for ONCE. She so deserves it. Now that she has finally found this new man who is willing to be to her what she has been to (almost) everyone in her entire life, she freezes in self-doubt. And she just may be throwing away her last hopeful chance of ever being happy.

Mom is aware of my post. I showed it to her last night. She broke down in tears. She hugged me and wept a little longer.
Later, she told me that my post was probably the most thoughtful gesture anyone has ever done for her. Hearing that only then made ME cry.

The days are growing shorter, as mom is sleeping longer.

Please, ???

Again, thank you all for your time.

Sincerely ~ Chowder

[Alex2]

Man. I don't even know what to say. That's really a tough situation you have-- hang in there!