[Doesitend?]

I have major depression (medicated), PTSD, anger issues, and am generally a mess. My husband is the only child of an unmedicated paranoid-schizophrenic. He claims he dealt with the issues of his childhood abuse at age 6, so good for him! My problem is that he will not let me be me. He has to have contstant praise and attention, and even witty comments tend to set him off. We went through marriage counseling earlier this year, and I gave my all to make him happy. We were until he decided we should have an open marriage. That is another post. He is becoming increasingly hard to deal with, demanding, and wants my every action to mirror his. He things I should say and do things just like he does. He thinks he never makes mistakes, and when he does, they are my fault. Some action I did caused it. He also recently destroyed my property so that he could show me there are consequences to my actions. (I call him names when I am angry, it's like I lose control). He belittles me, and puts me down to the point that I lose it. I grew up with a father who was never satisfied, and I need his approval. This time I am really ready to file for separation and divorce, but I am so scared. I have a beautiful six year old, and I know he will do all he can to take her from me. I hate him now. My therapist thinks he has issues, and our marriage therapist says he needs his own therapist, but he thinks that he has no issues, and that he only needs to learn to deal with me. I am at my wit's end. He calls me selfish because I ask for what I need to be happy from him. Every issue I try to talk to him about gets countered with what he needs. He is narcissistic and self-centered. Sorry for the long post, but everyone I know is tired of hearing about all this, and they think I should leave. I just hurt so bad. I cannot stand to look at him and endure all the hate that pours out of him. We have been married almost 12 years.

[pegasus]

((((( Doesitend? )))))

I'm sorry to hear things are so rough for you. 12 years of marriage is a long time. With any marriage of course, it is about team work and working together and loving each other. It doesn't sound like there is much love there right now.

Sounds like you have done all you can, with the couples counselling, again it is something that you both need to want to do if you want to make it work.

I can't tell you what to do, but maybe it is time for you to think about your own needs now, and your 6 year old child's. What is really best for you and how you would go about making things right.

[katheryn]

your husband does sound from your post to have his own issues , if this going on around your six year old child its not good for her, maybe if you are ready to leave you should look into that , i am not telling you to leave nobody can do that only you can decide, make sure you have a plan of action find out about custody, dont asume coz he will fight you he will win get advice about it,

kathy

[fireinsideasnowball]

Doesitend?

Do you believe your husband has dealt with his childhood abuse issues? Your description of his behaviour suggests not. All the stuff he gets angry and upset about - do you believe it's down to you, do you believe his version? Your account suggests that he projects and blames, doesn't take responsibility. Can you live with that any longer? Are you so scared that you'll stay where you are, remaining vulnerable to the outbursts, attacks and capricious attention-seeking?

However you view your own issues, that's what they are: difficulties that you are owning. Does your husband offer that kind of equality?

Of course you fear you won't get custody of your daughter - you've been under his kosh for the longest time, and all your efforts to create a loving relationship have been rejected. The glasses you're looking through right now are extremely blurred because of everything you've been through and where you still are. There's a very big likelihood that you can't see clearly enough to have the trust that by saving yourself you'll provide a much healthier environment for your daughter, and others will see this too and trust you with her safety.

I wish you the clarity to see the courage within you and use it without looking back. You've tried repairing the marriage and it seems to have been overlooked. Now it's time to channel all that concern, energy and love into moving beyond the relationship and towards yourself.

Look out for a book by Melody Beattie called 'The Language of Letting Go' - it can be very useful to anybody who's been in some sort of codependent situation, of any description. In parts you'll need to read between the lines to apply the wisdom to your particular difficulty, but much of it will jump straight off the page for you and give you daily encouragement and support.

[Doesitend?]

Originally Posted by pegasus

((((( Doesitend? )))))

I'm sorry to hear things are so rough for you. 12 years of marriage is a long time. With any marriage of course, it is about team work and working together and loving each other. It doesn't sound like there is much love there right now.

Sounds like you have done all you can, with the couples counselling, again it is something that you both need to want to do if you want to make it work.

I can't tell you what to do, but maybe it is time for you to think about your own needs now, and your 6 year old child's. What is really best for you and how you would go about making things right.

We are scheduled for marriage counseling again this week. Last time I gave him what he wanted, but this time I am going to speak up more. I told my therapist today that I think my marriage is making me sick, i.e., keeping in the old ghosts. At this point I want it to get better, see HIM make an effort, and protect my daughter. I know I have issues, but I work on them. Thanks for your advice!

Originally Posted by katheryn

your husband does sound from your post to have his own issues , if this going on around your six year old child its not good for her, maybe if you are ready to leave you should look into that , i am not telling you to leave nobody can do that only you can decide, make sure you have a plan of action find out about custody, dont asume coz he will fight you he will win get advice about it,

kathy

He does have some issues, but don't we all? It's just that his issues do not compliment me and vice-versa. I am tired, just tired. I don't assume he will win, because I have all kinds of ammunition lined up that will make him think twice about winning. I don't want to be unfair, but I don't want to get snowballed either. Thanks for caring!

Originally Posted by fireinsideasnowball

Doesitend?

Do you believe your husband has dealt with his childhood abuse issues? Your description of his behaviour suggests not. All the stuff he gets angry and upset about - do you believe it's down to you, do you believe his version? Your account suggests that he projects and blames, doesn't take responsibility. Can you live with that any longer? Are you so scared that you'll stay where you are, remaining vulnerable to the outbursts, attacks and capricious attention-seeking?

However you view your own issues, that's what they are: difficulties that you are owning. Does your husband offer that kind of equality?

Of course you fear you won't get custody of your daughter - you've been under his kosh for the longest time, and all your efforts to create a loving relationship have been rejected. The glasses you're looking through right now are extremely blurred because of everything you've been through and where you still are. There's a very big likelihood that you can't see clearly enough to have the trust that by saving yourself you'll provide a much healthier environment for your daughter, and others will see this too and trust you with her safety.

I wish you the clarity to see the courage within you and use it without looking back. You've tried repairing the marriage and it seems to have been overlooked. Now it's time to channel all that concern, energy and love into moving beyond the relationship and towards yourself.

Look out for a book by Melody Beattie called 'The Language of Letting Go' - it can be very useful to anybody who's been in some sort of codependent situation, of any description. In parts you'll need to read between the lines to apply the wisdom to your particular difficulty, but much of it will jump straight off the page for you and give you daily encouragement and support.

*Sigh* Yes, I am codependent, and thanks for the book recommendation. I love him, but not enough to hurt this much. I do not for one second believe that he dealt with an abusive, schizophrenic mother at 6 years of age. I was raped at 17, abused physically and mentally from 17-26, and had a control freak dad, and I am still out of whack. I just wish he could see that he hurts me, and not make it all be my fault, but hey, hallmark of abused-partner, codependent syndrome, heh? Thanks!!