[be_be]

Okay, a few people have helped me on this forum in recent threads, which i am very grateful for.

to read the back story, the thread is:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=83773

At the time of my last response, i was feel rather sad! I do feel better and hopefully will get my appetite back.

I spoke to this guy last night. We agreed to be friends, and he said he can see where i am coming from. If he was upfront and honest, all this drama/**** feelings would have never happened.

He said he still wants to have sex. Im guessing it'll be like a 'Friends with benefits' type deal.

Can this work? Would there need to be 'rules'? (like if u sleep with someone else, tell the other person - for health reason).

He said a few things (naughty things) that made me really laugh - like i haven't laughed in days. I went to bed thinking about that - and had the best night sleep in weeks.

I feel like im too nice sometimes. i still care about him, why i dont know. he said he cares about me.

Im really confused! lol. I mean, i've already lost my virginity to him, is it a big deal if we just sleep together? Im not getting it anywhere else, and if i meet someone - i will stop. I would continually to get checked for health/safety etc. Im not sure how 'often' this would happen either. I haven't given him an answer yet. i need to think about it and came on here to get some advice. ive never been in this position.

If anyone has been in this position, please give any advice!!! I dont know if its going to confuse things more. It is really nice to have that affection (hugs, cuddling, etc etc).

I would still try to meet someone who is interested in having a relationship though. I would not be jumping in so quickly like i did with this guy. - i think i would need to know if we are gf/bf before all the sex stuff. i can't go through those feelings again!! If i felt anything more for someone than friendship and they did too - i would stop the sex with this guy imediatly. Is that going to confuse things?

[sabby]

Hi be_be

A couple of things come to my mind as I'm reading your post. First off, it doesn't sound like either one of you have much invested in this relationship aside from the sex. If you are going to be friends with benefits, I can tell you that sooner or later, feelings are going to be hurt. One is going to feel more than the other. When that happens, it changes the whole scope of the relationship and no one ends up being happy.

The next thing I think of is that if either one of you has sex with another individual...even if you tell, and you have unprotected sex...then you are sleeping with whoever they slept with. The chances for spreading/being infected with something is extremely high.

The next thought is pregnancy. The only absolute to not get pregnant is abstinence. Are either one of you prepared to raise an unplanned for child?

My thought is that if you are questioning this situation, then you must not be feeling all warm and fuzzy about it to begin with. If that is certainly the case, then please think long and hard about the ramifications of what you are both doing. I can only see a lot of hurt and possible illness coming from this kind of an arrangement.

Please take good care of YOU. YOU deserve it!


sabby

[youOme]

Just be careful, friends "with benefits" can really fudge stuff up. It can destroy a friendship or become much more. That's what happened to me, and it all happened very quick.

But, if that's what ya'll want to do with establishing rules. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, if there's boundaries and rules then most likely getting hurt in the process will be harder.

[be_be]

Thank you Sabby & youOme,

yeah i really dont know what to do. Im torn. Some people tell me it wont work, it will only work for some time and then people will get hurt, or that it can work. Im worried that it will make things worse. But also, in a way - want it. I dont know why. I can't work that out yet.

There is obviouslly that physical attraction, it was there from the start. And the affection is SO NICE. I miss that. Is it possible to do just that? Like hugs, cuddling, etc...without sex?

Yes i am worried about the risks - health, one will want more, feelings, pregnancy. Its all running through my mind.

I guess i'll wait until i see him next, whenever that will be, or wait until he mentions it again. he may not.

Im very new at the 'dating' thing. How does it work exactly? How often would you see someone? He said he didn't want to put a 'label' on anything right now. He said hes planning to go overseas next year - how long i dont know, but when i think of that, it makes me think, theres no point.

Im not in love. I like him - a lot - probably too much. I think it has a lot to do with the fact he's my first (first kiss, sex - everything) and that he's the first guy to show ANY interest in that way. To me, he's incredibly good looking - i'd never thought in a million years, that someone that looks like him, would go for someone like me. .... may sound odd, but its how i feel! lol.

thanks so much for your help.

[DontSayIt]

[quote=be_be;883430]Thank you Sabby & youOme,


There is obviouslly that physical attraction, it was there from the start. And the affection is SO NICE. I miss that. Is it possible to do just that? Like hugs, cuddling, etc...without sex?

In my decade of experience (yes just a decade!) guys usually do not want to only cuddle.... not all though

Good luck!!

[be_be]

[quote=DontSayIt;883698]

Originally Posted by be_be

Thank you Sabby & youOme,


There is obviouslly that physical attraction, it was there from the start. And the affection is SO NICE. I miss that. Is it possible to do just that? Like hugs, cuddling, etc...without sex?

In my decade of experience (yes just a decade!) guys usually do not want to only cuddle.... not all though

Good luck!!

Haha! Thanks! Yeah im sure some guys dont! This guy did mention that he likes affection, cuddling..(not always leading somewhere lol).it could be just a line or what not, but i'll see how i go!!

But i have have wondered after reading responses from people, if for me it was more of a physical thing....? i was definatly attracted to him and obvoiouslly he was to me. I was ready for the sex stuff ...just kinda figured it would lead eventually to a relationship. Dont say i was stupid to believe that or stupid assume it, i know i was. And i wont make that mistake again. I need to learn to say no. I have trouble saying no (to people i know). I let people walk over me too much. I am a very shy/reserved, not confident, definatly not an outgoing person in any kind of way. Im not using it as an excuse.

I now know this - communication is EVERYTHING. I didn't communicate to him. And he didn't communicate to me.

New realisation: I was drawn to him too much, as i felt i was overcrowded by another guy.
I guess also, there was a guy who was interested in me around the same time to him but there was no spark for me there. We've become friends. I was a bit overwhelmed by him, i had constant sms/emails, wanted to speak with me ALL the time on the phone, see me all the time, questions on where i went, which friends i saw, what their names were, he wanted detailed stories on what i did on the weekends day by day. - - - this was after like 2 weeks! And had only seen each other once.

I felt like i was getting intergrated!! He's a great guy, but found it too much. Maybe in some way, i found myself being more drawn to the guy that this post is about. He never did any of that. It always felt so easy...things flowed.. it was all so cool. lol. He made me laugh so much. and of course found him adorable. ....he must have felt the same, coz you wouldn't be in that much contact (half or more was done by him) ......just a thought. im not laying blame anywhere.

think its gonna be friends... sex is fun sure, but can't see the point if it aint gonna go anywhere...... someone is gonna get hurt - and it'll probably be me.

[Rapunzel]

What does sex mean to you? I think that is the thing you have to figure out. It is approached by some as if it were just a biological function with nothing attached to it, but there is a lot of vulnerability involved and emotions and stuff that really affects your life. It should mean something, even on a spiritual level. And even if you think you can detach it from all of that, those things are still there.