[salukigirl]

So I know guys can have nights where theyre just not in the mood. Granted it doesnt happen very often lol but Im sure its possible. Well I have extremely low self esteem and take "Im not in the mood right now" as rejection. Then I start flipping out that he doesnt want me etc... All the crazy girlfriend stuff. So then because I flip out he gets scared to tell me how hes feeling because he doesnt want to upset me. So then well try to have sex if hes not in the mood or tired and it just doesnt work out (for obvious reasons) and then I feel even worse than if he had just said no. So basically Im just in a vicious cycle. I flip because he doesnt want to have sex once. Because I flip it makes him distance himself from me which makes him not in the mood more often which makes me flip more often.

He told me that I need to figure out how to change the way I feel about myself before our relationship is ruined. Im extremely insecure and always worry that he doesnt want me. He could call me cute and sexy all day long and I would still worry that he's only saying it to make me feel good, not because he believes it. He says that everything I think about myself, he thinks the opposite but I can't seem to make myself see it that way. No matter what I do I always think to myself "man Im ugly" every time I look in the mirror. I dont know how to change how I view myself physically. And I don't want it to turn into him hiding talking to girl friends because hes afraid of how Ill react even if theres nothing going on.

I just dont know how to take 21 years of hating myself and change it?

[schitzo-girl626]

i would like to know also!i wonder if we see ourselves right.i look in the mirror sometimes and see something then ill look again and see something else......?like one time its good then next its horrible.dont know if its a delusion or the real thing im seeing?its very strange.and i also have this voice that says ,your ugly,so that doesnt help.i would love to straighten out this mess also.i had the same problems w/boyfriends,now im alone and dont want one,due to all that stress,of trying to be beautiful for him.when i needed to be beautiful for me,i came to this,the men never helped that issue ,they made it harder by looking at other females and saying comments to make me doubt myself more,so i said they are not worth the added stress in my life,until i meet the perfect match.which to me is going to be tough,so if i have a one night stand at least they wont mentally make me take steps back,cause they will be there for one thing you know?its cold to some,but i deal w/ my things best i know how.so good luck.i feel a man is for sperm doning,while other women and my dog,my cat,or my bird is for companionship.men would rather hang out w/their buddies,then us anyways! when more women see what im saying maybe theyll see what im meaning.good luck and ill keep in touc h ok?

[turquoisesea]

*hugs* I guess we can't change it at the drop of a hat
try for little things

have you thought about maybe, when he's tired/not in the mood, of a special activity that you can do together that's not sex?
something really special.
favorite activity? something he can treat you to? back massage? dunno
maybe ask him if that's a way to deal with it, so if he's not in the mood he can offer you a special activity instead to still shows he loves you

[I_WMD]

OK ! >>>> I am probabley going to lose my lifetime membership in the " Heman Girl haters Club " { * comes from old Spanky And Our Gang Shows * }.

But ,,,, :

" Not in the mood ">>>..translation..>>> " Do I have to get up from where I am now ?

This is when a warm tub of water ,, scented and soapy ,,, with a washclothe comes in handy . >> Another tub of warm rinse water and xtra washclothe ,,, and fluffy towel .

Man ,, I feel I am giving away the guarded secrets of the Realm .LOL.

Remove the reluctant ones shirt [ or just unbutton ],, and do a nice sponge bath till you reach the >>>.errrmmmmmmmm,,,,{~prime objective~}?

At this time the fluffy drying towel is placed on the chest to keep the * reluctant one * warm ,,, at this point a loosening of the trousers and a warm clothe slipping lower ,, and the drying towel doing the water absorbtion,,

okkkkkkkkkk,,,,,,at this point it is all up to YOU >> as long as there has been no reluctance ,, by the * Reluctant One * >>... To insist you Stop ,,,,, a little giggle and a " What have we got HERE " ..........[ insert naughty smile ].

Now aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,,,, hehe,, use your womanly wiles .[ * Knock,Knock * ]

Awwwwwww Mannnnnnnnnnn.... It's them Membership enforcement guys at my door........(clicks * Post Quick Reply button * ).

Mwhahahaha>>>............I win AGAIN >>..... Those guys are slipping >> LOL.

WMD.

[salukigirl]

haha thanks guys. we actually had a talk about it. and since then ive tried to do little things to not be so self conscious. and apparently hes noticed them. the other night we were at a bar and i saw all these little tiny girls in their mini skirts showing off about every square inch of their body and (of course) started to feel like he was only looking at them. then he told me that he had been "all over me" all night but because I was in a bad mood I just hadnt noticed. so i tried to forget about it and make myself have a good time and then it was over. It was like, any other night that would have ruined it for me. I would have hated myself for not being as hot as those other girls but this time it was over in about 5 minutes.

and ever since he has been much more affectionate and the "not in the mood" thing hasnt happened once. I guess it was just really hard for me to see how badly my own self image was ruining my relationship until I changed it even in the slightest bit because now that Im pretty much forcing myself to think im attractive and be more confident, he has done a complete 180. Kisses all the time, all that stuff.

He knows it wont be a "quick fix" but I think its a good cycle. I do one little thing to feel better. Because I feel better, hes more attracted to me, because hes more attracted to me I feel better etc....

Also, I read in another thread on here about a kind of self-help book about raising your self esteem. So I found it on amazon and Im gonna check it out.

Thanks guys

[youOme]

I can totally relate to that, really.....freakishly familiar. Anyway, I think what's more important is to work on your own issue and try to spare him the wrath, it's really not his fault. If he's tired or not in the mood, it's probably because he really is tired or not in the mood. You know you have the moments, I do. But, basically, what both you and I can seriously do is work on how we think of ourselves. Apart of having a bad self esteem is not believing complimants. I never truly believe anybody that tells me I am pretty or thin enough, or whatever. It's hard to believe something you truly believe is different. Try to be easier on yourself, avoid comparing yourself to other people and look at yourself individually. When I watch movies and look at the pictures of the models in magazines, yes I can despise myself, but really I am a REAL woman and I am not that bad. Try thinking like this.

I hope things get better for ya'll.

[salukigirl]

Yeah thats why he hates me reading magazines like Cosmo because he says that thats probably half the reason why i feel so bad about myself. He said he hates how women are portrayed in those magazines and that theyre not real. And that, for me being real and having a real body, Im way more attractive than them because he knows they have been airbrushed all to hell.

There is a website from Dove, I dont remember the actual address though, where it shows a woman whos totally normal, average looking. They sit her down, show the make up being put on and then show the photoshop and then compare the final picture to her in real life and they dont even look like the same person, its amazing.

I guess I got lucky because a lot of guys look at those pictures and think that those women really do exist and then hold other women up to impossible standards but he really doesnt do that. He actually makes me feel like the sexiest woman in the world a lot (which no one has ever done before) so I think well be okay. I just need to work on focusing on what I like about myself and what improvements Ive made instead of what still needs work.

Thanks again everyone for your responses. Everyone has helped me a lot.

[2bfree]

talk about freakishly familiar, thank you all for sharing I'm going through the same thing. I will use your advice too, just wanted to thank you this has been doing my head in!