[iamtwilight]

just need to vent. i guess one other reason i'm posting this is that i will remember show it the next time i go see the psych nurse.

--> Trigger Warning too...

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before me and my bf moved in together, i loved being alone. he was so affectionate that i found it weird. he would initiate sex when i was sleeping, and i would do it even if i wasn't particularly feeling like it (but not opposing it either).

what's happened now?

i'm afraid to be alone, i get worried to death if he says he's going to be home in 2 hours but stays out for 3, and when he comes home he finds me pacing around neurotically, tearing my hair and crying like mad.

every time he's not on the computer i'm clinging onto him, begging for attention.

also it seems my sex drive is higher than ever, and i'm ready for it 24/7 - while he probably feels like it every other day.

i'm starting to wonder if he's doing it to save money on contraception. if he's got someone else. if he's waiting for the circumstances to run away to get better and he's gonna leave me here. or if he's with me because it's lucrative, and it's easier to move abroad with me, then leave me alone whilst we're outta here.

i freak out when he's talking to females on msn. but i try not to think about it, i try and make friends on myspace, find people to talk with...

every day i keep pretending i'm not hurt the slightest. i've cried enough already, overdosed on benzos just so i could relieve myself for one day, just sleep and not think of anything at all. getting all dressed up and going walking around, windowshopping, whatever makes me feel somewhat better too, but i don't like to get out of the house that much.

i want to be with him.

gah. it seems i've made a 180 degree turn.


twilight.

[Lenny]

Have you spoken to your T about this twilight?

It seems that some abandonment issues are appearing.

Has this feeling of deep insecurity within a relationship occured before...?

Keep talking about it with your BF...

Lenny

[turquoisesea]

*hugs*
sorry that I dont have advice for you

[iamtwilight]

(((lenny & turquoise))) - thanks for reading. it means a lot to me.

i told her everything i said here today, and more. she said it was normal. and i said i was ashamed of my neediness and my wanting for attention, but she said those are normal feelings that show someone else that you care.

sigh...

apparently i need to find another way to get a "real" therapist.

again, thanks for listening. it's okay if there's no advice, just knowing that someone is listening is enough for me.


twilight

For me having to take pills to relieve the anxiety or pain is a major issue that things are not well with you so I think you may need a new T who doesn't think that this is OK.

I speak from experience that things progress badly if you do not address things NOW. I am 54 & had my last suicide attempt 2 1/2 yrs. ago & am still attempting to get stability after that (bp 1). And it was a neg. comment from my husband of 34 yrs. that set me off! I really have needed help since I was 15 (1st suicide attempt) & have not gotten it. Please don't go as long as I have. You have so much to look forward to. Don't waste as many years as I have. I am pursuing wellness aggressively now. Maybe by 60??--Suzy