[Pookie2]

This will be a little long - it's my first time here. I am 38 and have been in a relationship almost 2 years. My boyfriend lives with me, however the house is solely in my name. He get extremely angry...you never know when he's going to get upset. He has 3 daughters who are with us a lot of the time and they are afraid of him. I tell him this, but he doesn't care. He blames a lot of his anger on his ex wife and the fact that he pays her so much in child support.. that he doesn't have any money (he doesn't), that he had a bad childhood...blah blah blah.
He told me that he was once diagnosed bipolar, but refuses to see anyone to get help. I find it hard to believe he's bipolar because he's only got the 'downs' of the disease - I wish there were a few 'ups'.
Anyway, there have been a few times that he has talked about ending his life. He told me today that he has tried but didn't have the guts to do it.
OK - so I know - he's not stable, and I need to get him help. BUT - what can I do if he doesn't want any? I want him out of my house because honestly, I don't feel very safe. He has never laid a hand on me or his kids, but something is telling me that he has the capability of doing so.
Anyone in a similar situation or have any advice? He has definitely NOT knocked my self esteem out of whack - or maybe just the fact that I'm allowing him to stay here is just that. I have no problem kicking him out - but I do love him and would like to try to fix things first.
Any suggestions?
Thanks for listening..

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by Pookie2

but I do love him and would like to try to fix things first.

Hi Pookie2 and welcome to PC...

I doubt that you can fix him....it is almost impossible to do from inside the relationship...be like asking someone to tell you the color of the box while they're inside of it...

We know so little about the dynamics of your relationship...they are so very complex,,but based upon what you have shared....the most important part being that you feel unsafe in your own home...my advice would be...

To Love him enough to let him go...

Set some Loving boundaires like insisting that he see someone for therapy...get medication if it is prescribed and treat you and his daughters with respect.

If he follows through,,then see him outside the home on "dates" to get a feeling for his progress...you know him well enough to see any changes...

Take it one day at a time...but know that change is in his court...but he should know that there are consequences to his resistence to change...

IMHO..

Lenny

[CedarS]

I agree with Lenny.

I also really strongly encourage you to listen to your intuition. You don't feel safe. Please listen to this.

You can tell him to move out. You could tell him nicely but firmly. Have a cell phone ready and an escape plan just in case anything happens. Ideally have a friend present.

Let him go, have him move out. If he gets into therapy, does the work, improves, and if your intuition no longer tells you to stay clear - you could try dating. Don't let him move back in.

[multipixie9]

Lenny and Cedars have said it very, very well. Your own intuition is telling you something and you had really better listen. When a man's own children are afraid of him then there is good reason for it!

If you do not feel safe in your own home, what's left???

Take action now, for your own sake.

[skymonk]

Your intuition is your best friend. Your bf may be bipolar-being manic(high/up)doesn't always manifest in positive ways-many times when you're bipolar&you get manic, you get extremely nasty instead of giddy or overly self important. If you're not feeling safe&his own kids are afraid of him-get him out of there! You have the upper hand in this one-you own the house he lives in&it's your right to kick him out whenever you want for whatever reason. You've got some good reasons. Stay safe! I agree with others who've said that you could kick him out&tell him that if he gets help&does the work he might be able to return. If he's truly bipolar, it's up to him&him only to get help, acknowledge that he's sick&get some treatment. If you want to give him a 2nd chance be sure you listen to your intuition about his truthfulness, sincerity&any signs of real change. Many bipolars get well for a while, then stop taking their meds when they feel like they're better again&relapse, some don't see their illness or are not diagnosed correctly for years. (I'm bipolar, so I know how this works!)
It's good that you're not letting his behavior affect your self esteem, but I would suggest some stronger boundaries to protect yourself&your relationship(Bipolars are not good at boundaries.)&I wouldn't take his suicidal ideations/attempts lightly. Sometimes we do this behavior to get attention&sometimes we're honestly trying to end our lives. It's not safe to have someone like that around if they tend to get violent, belligerent, or emotional/verbally abusive. Remember safety. If he's threatening himself-he may decide to encompass you or his kids or both into those suicidal ideations. Not good&not safe! Does his ex-wife know how he's been acting around his daughters&that they're afraid of him? Another suggestion would be to convince his daughters to tell their mother about his behavior. I wouldn't suggest you to tell her yourself only because you don't want to open that can of worms&he'd possibly retaliate against you for speaking up for his daughters to someone he obviously has a chip on his shoulder about already. But, if you like&care about his daughters-you might encourage them to help themselves by telling their Mom about his behavior until he gets himself together. Best of luck to you-it wouldn't hurt for you to look up the info about bipolar that's here on PC-knowledge is power&so is your intuition. I've learned the hard way to listen to my intuition-it is your best friend!

[SpottedOwl]

((Pookie))

Welcome!

All of the other posters had really great input. Definitely pay attention to your intuition.

When an emotionally abusive partner raises the issue of suicide, it is often 'emotional blackmail'. If he leads you to believe that if you kick him out he won't make it -- red flags should go up. Do not engage or try to talk him out of it. Call one of his friends to come help him, or call the police if necessary.

If you decide to fix things, I would consider getting yourself some outside help. A therapist can be very useful to help you navigate the process, and offer a safe place to talk about all the emotions that will likely come up.

I really appreciate your desire to help him. As long as you put up with his abusive behaviors, he has no reason to change. By setting firm boundaries for yourself, up to and including asking him to leave, you will be helping him more than if you try to fix him.

Love him, by loving yourself. You absolutely deserve to feel safe in your home, to have a partner who is emotionally available, and who can carry you when you need some extra support.