crappy new year.

ive spent the whole holiday worrying about whether im gonna have friends when i come back. ive been dieting and didnt even eat a good christmas dinner. i told my boyfriend i loved him and diddnt hear it back, then heard him talking to some other girl.
ive just been prank called, which for me shows ive hit the bottom of unpopularity.
and ive just given up. weirdly. suddenly im just thinking "screw school. screw those people i cant stand that i call my friends. they just let you out anyway. and screw you, lily for failing at everything."

yknow what... i just cant do it anymore.
everything always falls apart in the end.
so whats the point in trying?

At least it rhymes...

Im here - dont give up (holds hands out to grab onto)

Dont be so down on your self. You are here. you dont need to worry about nobody prank calling. take the phone off the hook and talk to us ok?

Please be safe.

Colleen

thanks.
its just hard.
its been hard for a while..
and i dont know what to do when i get back to school. the only reason i havent given up on that altogether is my boyfriend.. he's what gets me up every morning and tbh... without him i would be.. outta here.
a "friend" (i.e a girl who claims to be friends with me yet *****es about everyone, including me, and when the other girl isnt in goes off with other people) tells me that she overreacts, but about something different. and that i'll find out why she overreacts when i get back to school. and that worries me cause... they know people. theyre fickle.
so ive decided.
im going to go in on monday morning. i shall try to talk to her. if she does anything.. screw it. im gonna withdraw my savings and just... leave for a bit. i dont know where im gonna go quite yet. i just need to clear my head.
ive done that before but never in schooltime. ive just argued with my parents and walked out. once i just.. sat by the river where i used to live. it sure was cold... but i was able to think, for once.
my dad told me if i ever need to just get out again i can go to my grandmothers. she lives a while away but he says he'd prefer it to me wandering out alone.
so ive got a plan now.
try... and if i fail, just give the ***** up.

thankyou cthomas... cause it may sound stupid, but its such a relief to know that someone - even a complete stranger - is out there giving a damn, even if its just for a moment, it counts.

Listen!!! don't give up.Some where there is a good guy for you,and there are probly friends right under your nose.Life is short enough don,t give up .It will get better.

the guys fine.. the guys the reason why im making an effort anymore.
and... these friends? i just really dont think i have any anymore.
im going to try one last time.
and thankyou for your reply stonehard... heres to hoping (:
x

Perhaps a qualified counselor can give more of a damn the internet gives?

I've struggled with clinical depression. In the end, you have to do things for, and find a reason to live for, yourself. Other people really are fickle and will come and go in -anyone's- life.

i know that a counselor would. but i cant face my problems... like that. day in day out im going to school. what i used to understand perfectly may as well now be hieroglyphics. im flunking no matter how hard i try, no matter how much revision im doing.
my friends.. are fickle. and tbh ive never really liked them. they just accepted me and... nobody else really has since my best friend left last year.
the teachers hate me.
the kids there hate me.
my report card seems to hate me and its just...
i just need to get away for a bit.
the only thing making me think about this is my boyfriend, i guess.
i went to his yesterday. and hes just so understanding so... perfect.
the thing about me is... i cant really live for myself.
im kinda stupid.
im immature at times.
im fat,
i have a large nose, my eyes are too close together, my cheeks are too big, my chins too masculine..
its just hard to find any reasons anymore.

+ ty for that cause.. id never really reallised. everyone Is fickle.
but i just... i dont know how to live for ME.
x