[salukigirl]

I had an epiphany tonight. I was thinking about why I always sabotage relationships. Like.... my boyfriend is out of town for a week. Any other guy would definately cheat on me (as they have before) so I, being stupid and just expecting him to do it, started picking stupid little fights and egging him on to break up with me. When he asked me why I said "because youre going to do it eventually so you might as well just do it now". And I never felt this way until the last maybe 4 years. Then I realized that, about 4 years ago, is when I found out everything about my father.

He was cheating on my step-mom for months, spent the night in jail for trying to strangle her, verbally abused my mother, smokes pot and does coke and lies constantly; whether its telling grandiose promises he know he wont keep, or just straight up lying like cheating.

So I guess its like this: the one guy that I looked up to for 17 years turned out to be a total jerk and encompasses everything I dislike about "typical" men. So if that one guy turns out to be an ***... why wouldnt every other guy turn out to be an *** too?

So now I find myself throwing temper tantrums and getting mad over stupid stuff just trying to get my boyfriend to break up with me so that I wont have to deal with him "inevitably" cheating on me. And I know that me pushing him like that would probably drive him to cheat or leave me but I can't just let it go. Its like whenever things are going well I have to go and F it up.

Have I just been unhappy for so long that I don't know how to just be normal and happy? Why can't I let this thing with my dad go and accept that, even though my dad did that stuff, that doesnt mean every guy will do that to me? Why did it even effect me to the point where I finally have a good guy and I can't even be happy about it? I go looking for stuff to go wrong so its my own self-fulfilling prophecy. Grrr.... Im so mad at myself!

[I_WMD]

Originally Posted by salukigirl

I had an epiphany tonight. I was thinking about why I always sabotage relationships. Like.... my boyfriend is out of town for a week. Any other guy would definately cheat on me (as they have before) so I, being stupid and just expecting him to do it, started picking stupid little fights and egging him on to break up with me. When he asked me why I said "because youre going to do it eventually so you might as well just do it now". And I never felt this way until the last maybe 4 years. Then I realized that, about 4 years ago, is when I found out everything about my father.

He was cheating on my step-mom for months, spent the night in jail for trying to strangle her, verbally abused my mother, smokes pot and does coke and lies constantly; whether its telling grandiose promises he know he wont keep, or just straight up lying like cheating.

So I guess its like this: the one guy that I looked up to for 17 years turned out to be a total jerk and encompasses everything I dislike about "typical" men. So if that one guy turns out to be an ***... why wouldnt every other guy turn out to be an *** too?

So now I find myself throwing temper tantrums and getting mad over stupid stuff just trying to get my boyfriend to break up with me so that I wont have to deal with him "inevitably" cheating on me. And I know that me pushing him like that would probably drive him to cheat or leave me but I can't just let it go. Its like whenever things are going well I have to go and F it up.

Have I just been unhappy for so long that I don't know how to just be normal and happy? Why can't I let this thing with my dad go and accept that, even though my dad did that stuff, that doesnt mean every guy will do that to me? Why did it even effect me to the point where I finally have a good guy and I can't even be happy about it? I go looking for stuff to go wrong so its my own self-fulfilling prophecy. Grrr.... Im so mad at myself!

Saluki ,,, you are not living out a prophecy ,, ok ?

This memory thing that your epiphany is based on is not that all ,, so unusual >> OK ?

But also ,,,, to expect the worse is more of projecting and hoping it happens so as to be right .

LOL. Why do we find the time to wish the bad on ourselves >> rather than speak to the person first ,, that we consider our best Friend ?
I could about guess ,,,, You told B F that you KNOW he going to cheat ?

Back away slowly >>>> and wish him a good time >> and then ,,,,T R U S T .

[salukigirl]

you are correct. and when I said that he told me that that was very depressing. and he got mad at me. he said it hurt him to know thats my view of him and that he was sad to think thats how I thought of him. he said he doesnt care about any of my past boyfriends and swears up and down that he would break up with me instead of just cheating. but he cheated on his last girlfriend. he said thats how he knew he didnt care about her anymore is that he cheated, she was calling him, and he didnt care at all. they were together for 3 years and went through a lot of crap, but im scared that will happen to me now. i just dont know if i believe the whole "once a cheater always a cheater thing". but also, i guess if he was going to cheat on me, he wouldnt voluntarily give me a reason to worry. and he probably wouldnt have told me that unless he was being honest about not cheating on me.

wmd....your responses are short and sweet and very helpful. thanks for all your help (with this and with other posts)

[pseu]

Whether or not this father thing is true, I think you should speak to your boyfriend about it. If nothing else, it will help him to understand your insecurity and help you two through.

Although it is good to understand where your insecurities may come from, it is also important to remember that a reason is not an excuse, and that you can control your fears, if you wanted to.

Good luck.

[salukigirl]

yeah im not trying to use it as an excuse. its just easier for me to "fix" it if i know why its happening. if it just happens, then i end up hating myself for being "crazy" and never really get anywhere. but i feel like if I can say "this started happening right after this occurance" its easier for me to also say "i know why I think this way and know that its not correct". you get my drift? thanks guys.