[Michah]

My mother and I have an unusual relationship. Due to revolting childhood, I divorced my mother when I was 22. We had no contact of any sort until I was 30. I am now 35 and we are in a much healthier relationship but when you couple her personality with my core schemas......well...... it can leave me feeling a little bruised, suspicious, angry and sad. My example, which can embody some of the more powerfully negative conversations my mother and I have.....

I am reading a book that my mother lent me called "Eat, Pray, Love" which is very good mind you. As with anything spiritual though, you have to be in the right place to kind of accept and absorb what it is trying to convey to you, otherwise, what would be the point?. Anyway I got to a part of the book that was overwhelming and just put it down for a day or two......then I picked it up again and kept reading but then had to put it down again. I am not worried about this. It is, after all, my process.

Mother - "How are you enjoying that book I lent you?"

Me - "It is great but I had to put it down for a little while."

Mother - "Why?"

Me - "Some of the emotions conveyed in the book make me feel sick in the stomach and give me a really tight feeling in my head. Don't know why, just some emotions, especially HOPE, make me feel bottomless and suspicious."

Mother - "Well, you will lose the thread of the story if you stop reading it for too long."

Me - Don't worry mother! The story is unfortunately burned into my brain as I can think of little else and feel like s#@t because of it!

Mother - (disappointed, mildly disgusted and more than a little angry) "HHHMMMM!"

Heres the clincher.......

Mother - "She was 34 when she started on her difficult quest to nirvana" (This woman who wrote the book travelled all over the world and lived in an ashram and ate lots of food in Italy and then went to live with a medicine man in Bali. Very nice to read but not what I am even the slightest bit interested in doing). "You must get to the end of the book as it is a story about HOPE."

God, after I had just said that thing about HOPE! Should I claw my eyes out now or later?

I love my mother dearly and often she comes out with some real pearls of wisdom. We have healed some of our wounds but she has only been back in my life for 5 years. When I was diagnosed bipolar last year, she really pitched in and tried really hard to be understanding.

1.I have survived(so far!) 3 mental illnesses/diagnosis,
2.Raised a child single - handedly with said 3 illnesses,
3.I have coped with thyroid and adrenal problems,
4.I am writing a book whilst house-bound,
5.I have held good jobs in the past,
6.I am well educated,
7.I can cook,
8.I am a perfectionist,
9.I am well-mannered and versed in all manners of etiquette and grooming,

And yada, yada, yada!!!!!!

And you know what my mother is thinking....... when are you going back to work and when are you going to finish your science degree?(I was doing a Bachelor of Applied Science with double major in Forensics/Microbiology when I got sick. I can really see me doing that right now!)

I am going to become a lazy, obstinate, rude person and scratch my armpits and pick at my toenails in public every chance I get.

In reality, I am starting to like who I am. My T says LIVE BY YOUR VALUE SYSTEM, NOT YOUR MOTHERS! (sorry to shout.....i am reaffirming). Good words from a good woman.

[ECHOES]

Me - Don't worry mother! The story is unfortunately burned into my brain as I can think of little else and feel like s#@t because of it!

Mother - (disappointed, mildly disgusted and more than a little angry)

Sounds rough.

Did your mother voice those thoughts? Or are they your thoughts?

It's good that you are learning to like who you are. Self-acceptance can be so hard when we think others are not accepting.

[Michah]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Sounds rough.

Did your mother voice those thoughts? Or are they your thoughts?

It's good that you are learning to like who you are. Self-acceptance can be so hard when we think others are not accepting.

This is just the tone of voice that she used but the stuff about work and uni, well, she is a workaholic and a super achiever and so have I been for all of my life. My father is the same! And I am just not choosing to be that right now. Granted I am bored out of my brain and I get really frustrated sometimes but my brain needs to slow down for the first time in my life! I need to stop pretending that while my mind falls apart occasionally, really, I am okay!(not)

My parents gauge how well I am doing by whether the house is clean or not, whether the lawn is mowed, the dog is bathed, I have bathed, the bills have been paid, my partner and I are having enough sex and my sons use of too much slang. I am **** - my parents are ****.

I am strict with some things that will never change - but there are some things I have let go of. Sometimes these conflict with my mothers value system. Both my parents are machines - they never get sick. My mother is 63 and goes to the gym 6 days a week and works full time. My dad is 65 and is the lead singer in a blues band.

They have said to me in the past with a baffled, slightly disgusted look on their face that they could not understand that with their "supurb" genetics, they could have had a really sick child. Since I have learnt about genetics at uni, I can completely understand without going into the science of it.

Anyway, sorry to bang on, but God, I get frustrated! I do love my parents as they have exceptional qualities and my dad is getting much better. He takes me to all my doctors appoint., helps me look after my son(but he has always done that), loves my partner with brotherly affection and has told my stepmother who told me, that he is PROUD of me! Soon he will feel comfortable saying it to me.

And so it goes on.............

[Michah]

Sorry, didn't know about ** in above post.........the words are pertaining to an area in the posterior part of the human body. I didn't think of the word as being particularly rude as I worked in a hospital for years, but now I can understand. Sorry for any offense.

[skymonk]

Your Mom reminds me of mine. A cousin just told me that she(my Mom) was embarrassed that I'm mentally ill. Why can't she say it to my face? She was a LARGE contributor to my first breakdown at 19. Treated me like crap all of my life. Her most recent games are to have told me that my Aunts', her sisters, don't want to talk to me because I mention my mental problems. She left out the fact that I only talk about them if asked about them. I called to verify if what she said was true&to apologize if I'd made them uncomfortable&they both said they'd never said that.
When I visited her last, she FORBADE me to mention that I'm on disability because I'm mentally ill to her bf. He has 2 very successful children&one that my Mom used to badmouth but now can't compliment enough. The last one, her bf's youngest daughter got chased out of her Dad's house by my Mom who insisted that besides this girl holding down 2 part time jobs, should be the maid&the cook for the household-exact same cr*p she pulled on me.
Michah, does your Mom compliment your siblings while berating or ignoring you?
Also, my Mom called me on Christmas Day to tell me how much she & her bf liked the gifts I gave them for Christmas. Then she told me she'd be sending off MY package some time in the next week. Haven't heard a peep out of her since Christmas Day. No card, no presents(Which she demands&expects from me when I live on $8000 a year.)and NO THANK YOU's. I've had it! I'm "divorcing" her too. She even had the audacity to say I wasn't doing my share in my household even though I pay the property taxes each year($2100), do all of the housework&give my bf the money I normally would have spent on drugs that I applied to get for free because I couldn't afford them&I buy all toiletries&home remedies. If that's not doing something on $8000, I don't know what is.
Michah, if you're Mom keeps it up-shut her up&out.

[Michah]

Hi babe, man oh man, and so it goes on doesn't it? I do not have any siblings, I am an only child...... don't know if that makes it worse or better. I was my parents prodigy as a child and had education "beaten" into me on occassion. I am over that part now and I guess if things get really unbearable, I have asked my mother to leave my life once before and I can do it again.

But I am all for peace and I want my mother to be around so I take the good with the not so good and stand up for myself when I feel I need to. She is really trying and I know how much growing she has had to do to be more like the mother "I never had". Also, we don't know each other very well and there are issues of trust and abandonment from both sides. So there has to be give and take with out sacrificing ourselves.

I really believe that one of us would be dead if we had not had that time apart. I am really glad I took the stand back then and found the insurmountable strength to let her go. It was the only way we could both survive.

I hope you find the way through your own parental maze and come out the other end better off for it. Good luck