[BethW]

Please excuse me for ranting but I am so angry and hurt right now it's not even funny..

I make plans with my boyfriend to watch some movies together we picked out special for Valentines Day night.. In between the two, I get up to run and go pee.. I finish going potty to find him on his computer talking about video games to some friend..

This hurts me because the night was supposed to be about us.. Valentines Day only comes once a year and I tell him it hurts.. He apologizes and says he's coming right out.. then CONTINUES TYPING to the guy..

He justifies it by saying the guy had just asked him a question and he was in answering it really quickly.. Then he goes off on me telling me I'm going on a drama trip and that I'm a control freak because I end up feeling so hurt that I no longer want to watch anything and just want to go to bed..

How hard is it for him to understand that tonight was *supposed* to be our special night?? How hard would it have been for him to wait until later to message the guy back or to tell the guy that he was spending tonight with me and he'd talk to him about it later??

I went through so much trouble doing things for him for Valentines Day.. I made him homemade chocolates, picked him up special flavored coffees like he enjoys and a special mug to go with it.. I got him candles and special stuff for a sexy bath.. all types of sweet little gifts - even gifts for his cat..

I understood things were tight for him right now.. I even paid for the movies that we were going to watch together.. all I had wanted was for him to watch them with me.. for us to have a special night together.. just him and me.. and I can't even go to the bathroom without him running onto his computer to chat with friends about video games.. on what was supposed to be a special night for us..

and then he blames me for ruining it because it hurt me..

I give up.. I ended it with him.. I can't handle the way he makes me feel anymore.. he hurts me so often that each time he makes me cry, I just want to run away from him.. just run and not stop just so he can't hurt me anymore..

I'm sorry for ranting here.. just so frustrated and hurt.. had been looking forward to tonight with him.. and obviously him talking on the computer about video games meant more than anything I had planned.. I just don't understand why all of it couldn't have waited.. This wasn't just any other night.. we were celebrating Valentines Day together..

[JevO]

That's to bad that you had to end something with some one that you were willing to do so much for.

I'm sure he feels just as bad and is hurting aswell. I dont think he was trying to hurt you by talking to another person.

I hope things work out for you in the long run.

I hope you start feeling better and can get through the hurt.

oh you are gonna hate me for this reply, but thats ok, i feel like sayin this.....
i think you over reacted!
chicks ARE drama queens... and damn, it was just a chat online...
what if he got pissed cuz you went to pee without him?!
in my experience... guys arent as thrilled about the candles, and chocolates and crap as much as you are....
guys just want to do their duty which is to let you know you are their chick , and they want to get laid.
it sounds like you are demanding his constant attention to be on YOU when really, valentines should be about BOTH of you.... doing things together you both enjoy...
and you gave up on the relationship cuz you didnt get all the attention?!
reminds me of my 6 year old niece... spoiled.
ive done it before.. but i am glad i have been hurt enough by my selfish actions and guys not being able to give me all i wanted... cuz it isnt realistic....

seriously.... try to take a walk in a guy's shoes...
the things they like to do are different than what us chicks want to do.

and maybe just learn to be able to go with the flow. nothing will ever turn out exactly as you plan it in your mind, so you have to be able to deal with little inconveniences as they pop up throughout any special event.

[LMo]

Well-said CLL -- I was trying to think of a diplomatic way to say the same thing, but then you just put it all out there. I have nothing to add, but if Beth, if you want to talk about this stuff, I'm definitely happy to listen and give you other perspectives if I can.

[Wants2Fly]

Beth -- I've done exactly the same kind of demanding and over-reacting that you seem to have done in this situation.

I understand where you're coming from. I also have come to understand that men have a different perspective and are not going to change just because women think they ought to. I also don't see that answering an email was so bad -- I might well have done the same thing myself if he went to the bathroom and I was waiting and bored.

Hope that you and he can work things out.

[BethW]

perhaps I should have elaborated more.. we've argued over this video game time and time again..

he was 45 minutes late for one date we had planned because he was playing that video game with friends and couldn't bring himself to tell the guys he had to go because he had plans with me.. since that argument, most times I can't even get him to commit to an actual time for anything - he always gives me the "let's say somewhere between 9 and 9:30 just in case the run runs late" - like he can't tell the guys ahead of time he has to log out of the game at a specific time because he has plans with me..

the day I found out my ex was filing for custody of my children and was really shaken up and needed to talk to him, he wouldn't even log out of that game - but rather told me to talk to him about it in-between fights..

again and again, there's been fights over that stupid video game.. again and again, he's promised he wouldn't put anything to do with the game before me.. having that video game come before me yet again - and on valentines day - when we were *in the middle* of our plans together.. it was the last straw for me.. I just don't understand why anything going on with that game couldn't have waited until after we had finished our special night..

[h0kie]

I think I know how you feel.

My husband has a gameboy that, I feel, he plays constantly. I hate the thing.

First I hate the way it was purchased (it was puchased during a dissociative episode). I never got a say in it.

I hate that he plays it ALL the time.

But he is so much better. Mainly because I have told him, straight out and up front that I ABHOR the thing. It makes me crazy that he spends his time on it. That and the cartoon watching annoy me...to me, they are childish. But then, there are things that I find important that he doesn't care for. It's give and take.

Doesn't make me detest that game any less though.

[LMo]

Maybe you can set up a 'point' system where he starts off the day with 10 points, and if he has 10 points at the end of the day, then he gets kissed by you. However, he can lose points if he plays his game while you're trying to talk to him. You have to give him a point, however, if you interrupt him while he is in the middle of a game or whatever it is and get upset if he doesn't drop everything to talk to you.

[h0kie]

Hehe...sounds like something I would try with my kids at school...

I agree with you though LMo...you have to set up some kind of behavior modification. Plus, you have to let him know when it is a problem. Men can't read minds...though I wish they could sometimes!

[LMo]

Heh heh!
I guess I'm suggesting to make a game out of it -- be light and flirty about it -- I don't mean it as a new "rule" in the relationship because that won't go over well at all. But be careful to take away something that is fun or important for him. I know that my husband's bike racing obsession was annoying at the beginning, but once he became depressed, I would have given anything to see something bring him joy. Now I'm glad when he rides or races because I know it's making him happy, and that to me is the most important thing.

[kvinneakt]

Well now, I am a guy and I agree with you that this was rude and stupid of him to put you off for a computer game. I also am quite familiar with how small stupidities can escalate to major storms, so try if you can to put it into a realistic perspective.

Computer addictions are pretty bad. Worse than tv addictions. I don't have an answer to that one, as I have never had a recovery from it. One thing that helps is if there is computer contention, get another one so you each have one.