[jamminpianogirl]

I am casually (nonexclusively) seeing an older man. I am turning 21, he is 38. We have been working together for 6 months and our friendship has steadily grown over that time. For most of that time we were both in our own separate relationships, but my ex dumped me in December. It was a really messy situation that sent my life into havoc for awhile, and my older man friend was really supportive and always there to listen and give me advice. I also just feel really comfortable around him and can be myself and have a lot of fun. Anyway, him and his gf just broke up a couple weeks ago (I don't know the details of what happened). I've been wondering if he likes me because he's very flirty with me at work. He tends to be flirty in general, but lately it really seems like he focuses on me: he's always hugging me, giving me little flirty touches etc, and trust me, I would notice if he did to other girls a lot because I'd get a little jealous. Last week he asked me to come over his house and hang out sometime. So I went over tonight, and we had plenty of fun plans... we cooked, played music together, played a board game, and watched a movie. It was a lot of fun, we have a lot of similar interests and we get along well, there's plenty to talk about. But I was a little startled, because he DID swoop in for the kiss, and he said he'd wanted to for awhile. He did ask if it was okay, but only after he went for it. Actually he asked several times throughout the night if it was ok. But yeah, after the first kiss it was just like a regular romantic date. He seems very caring: He's such a gentleman, always asking if I'm comfortable and trying to make me feel better in some way, worrying about if I'm having fun or if there's anything that he should do differently. As the night drew to a close he said he wanted to see me again and asked if it could be tomorrow night. He said he would take me out to get sushi, and he said at work he's not going to be able to resist taking me aside for a minute to kiss me (but we agreed we wouldn't tell anyone). When I left he walked me outside, and when I got in the car he kept looking back like every two seconds to watch me leave.

So... obviously, he wants this continue. And it all seems really good, if it was a guy my age I would feel completely ecstatic that I had found somebody soooo caring, easy to get along with, and enthusiastic about me. But exactly what this is, I'm not exactly sure. Of course older men can sometimes have ill-intentions when approaching younger girls romantically. I guess I just want some outside insight into this situation, because I'm trying to keep my head screwed on properly. Basically, does it seem like this guy is just roping me in with deception and taking an opportunity to sex it up with a pretty young girl, or that perhaps there is some sort of real relationship developing given our friendship and empathetic attitude towards me? He's either a good liar who's taking a huge career risk, or he genuinely cares - the latter of which seems more likely to me, but I'm not sure. Opinions?

[pachyderm]

"Older" people are people too. With all the plusses and minuses of all people. You have to keep your eyes and mind open for the good and less good.

[bebop]

just be very careful. I was married to a much older man at one time. I was 17 he was 34 when we met. we were together 10 yrs. just be careful.

[electric sheep]

I've been dating a girl 15 years younger than me for about 3 or 4 years. Assuming you guys know each other pretty well, and have determined that you have similar interests, goals, and expectations, then it's not really different from any other relationship.

That previous sentence may be trickier than it at first appears, however. Indeed, isn't it pretty much the reason any relationship will fall apart?

From the perspective of the older person, my primary worry was that my gf's expectations and lifestyle would go through a lot of ups and downs. She is really mature for her age, but I kept waiting for her to go through some kind of wild "period". Her capacity for "partying" and being wild has turned out to be pretty similar to mine, however, so this fear has turned out to be unfounded, so far.

I think a lot of our expectations with regards to sex and age involve cultural generalizations that turn out to often not be true. For example, I'm approaching 40 and don't particularly feel an oppressive need to get married, though of course I'm open to the idea. I'm also very active and fit. My girlfriend has a hard time keeping up with me, actually. And she is supposed to be this confused young adult "searching" for themselves, screwing up and learning from her mistakes. She actually is pretty goal oriented and screws up remarkably little.

Hanging out with her younger friends can sometimes be trying, but it doesn't take long before we all just forget about the age gap all together, and everything seems completely normal. There are a few though... that seem hell bent on living up to the above mentioned stereotype. I only hang out with them occationally.

In short... it can definitely work, I think it just depends on the people.

[DontSayIt]

I say it's time to get to know his dating and relationship history a better. It sounds like he knows more about yours than you do about his. Find out what happened with his last relationship and a little information about her. Wouldn't you hate to find out a month, two, or three down the road that he dates younger women short term? Has he ever been married? How many longer relationships has he been in? Does he want to settle down one day? Do you want to settle down?

Good luck!

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by electric sheep

I think it just depends on the people.

Yep safe bet there..bad vegetables = bad salad.....

Subjects of the heart seed opinions as varied as our experience,,,and no one sees the universe through any eyes but their own...so please understand,,these are my opinions only...

I have little use for steriotypes or generalities..though they lend some creedence to trends over time in an existentialist sort of way,,they are mute to an individual's place in time and space. In the end,,we are alone with those eyes...

Motives are the key here. What are they? What could they be? Are they realistic? Are they just?

There is some danger in these relationships at having a parental, caretaking quality which as nature defines, eventually are outgrown. It is a hard enough challenge to grow together in some sync when age is approximate,,,this challenge becomes monumental when the disparity is generational. I look back at myself one decade ago...I am almost unrecognizable. That is one obstacle.

Another is ego. The self serving part of it all and the least genuine...Youth and vitality are garnered in many ways. Good eating and exercise are two well founded and proved means. Hanging out with the past generation is another. It feels good, like a gifted high,,but it is temporal,,at some point we will be rudely awakened,,,and often shamed.

These are true issues for me for I tryed the impossible..to Love and be Loved by a women 14 years my junior. It was a complex relationship which needed constant attention. When the relationship ended I had lost a friend, a lover and in some dysfunctional ways,,a daughter. Because we simply could not be equals within the relationship the foundation was sqewed by many degrees. Complex emotional coping mechanisms with some dishonesty and denial supporting them proved diastrous in the end.

Please be carefull jammin...seek the motives here,,they are most important.

With Care,

Lenny

[AAAAA]

As everyone has said, keep your eyes open. I think there is a big difference between a 20 year old dating a 38 year old and someone 30 dating someone 48. At 20 you're not fully cooked yet.

[jamminpianogirl]

Hmm, I think I ought to talk to him a little about his relationship history and what he is looking for. I'm not sure how soon I should ask though, I don't want to rush the idea of commitment. I also have trouble trusting people, how do I know his answers will be honest or whether they are just another part of his ploy to hook up with me? That, of course, is an issue that I have with anyone and doesn't have anything to do with our ages.

Today we worked together for the first time since our date, and he took me off to the side to kiss me quite a few times and told me he really wants to see me as soon as possible - I told him I was free thursday but he said he really wants to see me tonight if I get the chance. I'm just trying to figure out if he really likes me and wants to spend a bunch of time with me, or if he's hungry for sex. Yeah, I guess that really doesn't have anything to do with ages, its just my doubts about the male species. Hm.

[AAAAA]

Oh I don't know, a mature man taking you off to kiss on company time, that doesn't sound right. Someone of his age should know better than to risk both of your jobs doing jr. high things. Sorry but something sounds a bit off.