[prettyjolie]

Sometimes being in a relationship really sucks.
My husband and I keep getting into arguments.. usually about nothing and we get over it. But last night.. ughh.
I've had a lot of depression and anxiety problems when i was in high school.. I've gotten better, but sometimes those miserable feelings come back.
I feel like I can't talk to him, like we don't have any real conversations about life or anything that really matters. I finally talked to him last night, after a fight.
It started with something really stupid. I was in the bedroom.. i heard him go on the computer, so I asked him what he was doing online.. (he doesn't really like computers). He said nothing.. looking something up. So I was like ok whatever.. But when I walked in the room, he immediately clicked the Xbutton on left corner. I saw that he had been on myspace.. on a girl's profile. I asked him who it was and why he had exited out of the page when I came in. He claimed that he had already done that before I walked in which wasn't true since it wouldve been gone if he wouldve done it before I walked in.
I got angry because I always feel like he's hiding stuff from me. I don't necessarily think he's doing something wrong, but he hides things.
I pretty much broke down, started crying and went to bed. He decided he was going to play the victim and go sleep on the couch.. what the hell? who does that?
I felt terrible and couldn't stop crying.. i live alone and thousands of miles away from friends and family so i felt so alone. After like 30min he walked in room and wanted to pretend nothing was wrong. We argued about it foreverrrr and finally we talked about how we never have real conversations and that we dont share our thoughts/feelings with each other and are pretty much just roommates.
Anyway, I got over it and we're fine now.
But he went to work and I went online.. I went on myspace.. and on his page. I saw who his new friends were.. one was the girl from last night. I know it's his ex girlfriend, who by the way cheated on him with one of their friends. I went on his email, he knows i have the password (FYI) just to see if she had requested to be his friend.. she hadn't. That means that HE went to find HER and HE wanted to add HER.
I know this is childish.. to fight over stupid myspace. But why would he do that? More importantly.. why would he lie to me about it? And not tell me who she was?
I feel like I can't trust him sometimes. He does a lot for me and to help me with everything, but i hate the fact that he hides things from me. Like i said, I don't believe he's doing anything wrong, but he acts as if he was.
I told him to just tell me the truth.. but he swears that he didn't close out the page just because I walked in, which is such a lie. This has happened before, but last time with a friend of his that I don't like (a girl). Both of these girls were total jerks to him at some point.. i just don't understand why he's so curious about them.
And he won't admit anything.. not even to being curious about them.
Why is he hiding things from me? I just want him to be honest with me. I never lie to him about anything and he's hurt me in the past, so it's hard to not feel that pain once again.
Am I just overreacting?

Hes in military.. and i have to leave the country for a while in a few months.. it scares me that he might cheat on me or something.

Please help. I feel like hell now

[ncguynva]

Originally Posted by prettyjolie

Sometimes being in a relationship really sucks.
My husband and I keep getting into arguments.. usually about nothing and we get over it. But last night.. ughh.
I've had a lot of depression and anxiety problems when i was in high school.. I've gotten better, but sometimes those miserable feelings come back.
I feel like I can't talk to him, like we don't have any real conversations about life or anything that really matters. I finally talked to him last night, after a fight.
It started with something really stupid. I was in the bedroom.. i heard him go on the computer, so I asked him what he was doing online.. (he doesn't really like computers). He said nothing.. looking something up. So I was like ok whatever.. But when I walked in the room, he immediately clicked the Xbutton on left corner. I saw that he had been on myspace.. on a girl's profile. I asked him who it was and why he had exited out of the page when I came in. He claimed that he had already done that before I walked in which wasn't true since it wouldve been gone if he wouldve done it before I walked in.
I got angry because I always feel like he's hiding stuff from me. I don't necessarily think he's doing something wrong, but he hides things.
I pretty much broke down, started crying and went to bed. He decided he was going to play the victim and go sleep on the couch.. what the hell? who does that?
I felt terrible and couldn't stop crying.. i live alone and thousands of miles away from friends and family so i felt so alone. After like 30min he walked in room and wanted to pretend nothing was wrong. We argued about it foreverrrr and finally we talked about how we never have real conversations and that we dont share our thoughts/feelings with each other and are pretty much just roommates.
Anyway, I got over it and we're fine now.
But he went to work and I went online.. I went on myspace.. and on his page. I saw who his new friends were.. one was the girl from last night. I know it's his ex girlfriend, who by the way cheated on him with one of their friends. I went on his email, he knows i have the password (FYI) just to see if she had requested to be his friend.. she hadn't. That means that HE went to find HER and HE wanted to add HER.
I know this is childish.. to fight over stupid myspace. But why would he do that? More importantly.. why would he lie to me about it? And not tell me who she was?
I feel like I can't trust him sometimes. He does a lot for me and to help me with everything, but i hate the fact that he hides things from me. Like i said, I don't believe he's doing anything wrong, but he acts as if he was.
I told him to just tell me the truth.. but he swears that he didn't close out the page just because I walked in, which is such a lie. This has happened before, but last time with a friend of his that I don't like (a girl). Both of these girls were total jerks to him at some point.. i just don't understand why he's so curious about them.
And he won't admit anything.. not even to being curious about them.
Why is he hiding things from me? I just want him to be honest with me. I never lie to him about anything and he's hurt me in the past, so it's hard to not feel that pain once again.
Am I just overreacting?

Hes in military.. and i have to leave the country for a while in a few months.. it scares me that he might cheat on me or something.

Please help. I feel like hell now

Hate to say it but thats what my wife started doing......and you read my thread and knew where it ended up. So you have his myspace password....and u dont think fighting over myspace is legit? i chose to go to japan alone bc all the guys on my wifes page and i looked thru her friends page and saw that she had met him. Now i dont know if she slept with him or not but i asked her if she met up with these guys when she went to Richmond and she said no.
Something I learned about liars..... a person who hides nothing, has nothing to hide......

if i were u...id start snooping around on his myspace.....thats how i got REAL suspicious of her activities

[prettyjolie]

thanks. I don't have his myspace password, just his email password since we use his email for other stuff.
But I know she didn't add him. He added her.
I know what you mean.. why should he hide things from me if he isn't lying? I don't hide anything because there's nothing to hide.

this sucks.

Im confused.. he's done so much for me.. I don't want to accuse him of anything but I also don't want to be oblivious and blind. =(

[AAAAA]

At the risk of sounding unsupportive, based on your other threads you tell him you want him to be honest with you but you also say you don't want to hear it. I'm sure he's trying to walk a fine line. Although I have to say I wouldn't be happy to discover that my husband looked up old girlfriends online.

Men and women communicate differently. Most men (trying to be pc here) are perfectly happy to avoid those in-depth conversations. In the early days of my marriage I found myself starting fights because after the fights were usually the only time we had those in depth soul-searching all-night conversations. My own husband has the philosophy if it's isn't broke don't fix it.

I know I'm going to get a lot of grief for this, but you've really got to pick your battles. If everything under the sun turns into a fight he's just not going to even try anymore. If you don't think he's doing anything wrong, then concider why this bothers you so much. Just because you are very open with him does not mean he's going to respond in turn. I've known my husband since I was 6 and he was 8 and I'm STILL finding things out about him I didn't know.

I think you really need to spend some time thinking about which issues are yours alone and which are yours as a couple. If he's never given you any reason to make you distrust him and you still don't trust him that's your issue and frankly there's not a thing he could do to change that. It's something you have to work on.

You've mentioned that he's hurt you in several threads. From what you've posted he's said things that bothered you. There is a big difference between being insensitive and hurtful. If I say that red dresses are the ugliest things I've ever seen and your favorite dress happens to be red, I didn't say it to hurt your feelings. If it does, you need to own that and realize I'm not going to change my opinion just because it hurts your feelings.

Most men cannot comprehend our thought process. The don't understand our need to break things down to their most basic level and dwell on them. He's never going to be your best girlfriend. As my Aunt used to say you can't turn a sow's ear into a silk purse. As yourself why you married him, what was it about him that attracted you to him to begin with. Are those qualities still there? Do you spend time thinking not only of the things that upset you in your marriage but those things that make you very happy? If the only thing you're looking for is trouble, that's all you're going to find.

I'm certainly not saying stick your head in the clouds and ignore the things going on around you. But you've got to find some middle ground. Fighting is the least productive thing in the world. Try taking a breath and discussing it later when you're more calm. Ask yourself how important this is, will it matter in five years? Really think about what your ideal marital situation would be, is that idea realistic? How can you and he come to a compromise that you can both live with and feel fullfilled?

[ncguynva]

id have to agree with that actually....we men are simple creatures...

Most men cannot comprehend our thought process. The don't understand our need to break things down to their most basic level and dwell on them. He's never going to be your best girlfriend. As my Aunt used to say you can't turn a sow's ear into a silk purse. As yourself why you married him, what was it about him that attracted you to him to begin with. Are those qualities still there? Do you spend time thinking not only of the things that upset you in your marriage but those things that make you very happy? If the only thing you're looking for is trouble, that's all you're going to find.

that is so true..ive learned to speak a lil "woman" though hehe

[AAAAA]

It is truly amazing when you are able to look at a conversation from the other person's point of view. As women we expect you (men) to get the "hidden" message as well. The one that in our opinion is perfectly obvious and that you SHOULD understand and we shouldn't have to verbalize it. The problem is you really don't think the way we do, you really don't know what we're not verbalizing. Not only are we not on the same page, we're not even reading the same book. It took a long time for me to figure out that my husband wasn't being intentionally dense (well about hints about mowing the lawn or something he suddenly doesn't speak English) he really had no idea that when I threw a fit about his socks being on the floor it wasn't the socks I was mad about.

It was actually quite comical (after a while). We did the exercise where your partner repeats what you said, we even taped it because there was such a huge difference in what I was saying and what he was hearing. He was hearing what I said, I just wasn't saying what I meant. For example, when men say they're tired, that means "I'm tired". When I said I'm tired it meant "I'm irritated with you and don't want to deal with you right now." How could he not get that? Or how about "fine"? To men it means it's ok, fine, no problem. For women... there is nothing fine about it.

[bonaire]

You really do say what I think I've experienced with my wife and other women. What you say is not what you mean (sometimes). Of course it's irritating for us men - in a way, it's lying too.

In a technical world, it's something like going to a car dealership with one model in mind. You say "I want this" and the sales guys start messing with you - how about this feature, maybe you don't need that - you want blue, but how about grey? That's sometimes what a man hears from a woman.

I haven't met too many women who don't use the double-speak, but those who I knew that didn't use it were so much easier for me to talk to. Less "cloudy" and more "clear sailing". They also were people who would not wait to do something - they did it without hesitation. Maybe women who are afraid use double-speak to hide their real feelings of being scared and unable to "just go for it"? Could it be that women who argue more are less secure in themselves and life in general?

[AAAAA]

I didn't do it to be dishonest or trick him. Before we were married an incident happened that is still a thorn in my side 24 years later. He was living on a base 8 hours away, we were getting married in December and he was only going to be able to get one weekend off the month of November. He asked if I minded if he spent that weekend at deer camp. I told him I didn't mind, I did add that if he'd rather spend that weekend with his father, uncles and cousins than with me that was fine (should have been a clue there). I was SURE that he could tell that I did mind. My body language and tone of voice should have screamed it. As the weekend approached I as SURE that he was going to surprise me and come see me. When he didn't I made a compromise (in my mind that I didn't verbalize to him) that he'd hunt during the day and come see me at night; you can't hunt at night! He called me that Saturday night from a store/bar that was the same distance from deer camp as my house. I was LIVID. He couldn't come to see me, but he was able to go to the store to pick up bread.

His point of view: I risked teasing and ridicule and made up an excuse to go into town to call you to let you know I loved you and was thinking about you. (Deer camp is all men, no women allowed).

My point of view: If I was important to you, you would have come to see me rather than call me.

I thought that by not coming to see me he was sending a message to me that I wasn't very important to him at all. His thought process was much simpler, this was a family tradition. ALL males from the age of 14 up go to this deer camp in his family. He knew that it would be (and it was) the last chance he'd have to participate in this tradition. We'd be going overseas and he wasn't going to waste his leave coming home in November when there were more important times to come home. In his mind we'd have the rest of our lives together, he had only that weekend for his family.

[prettyjolie]

yes, i know what you mean. I told him I don't want to know that he finds all those famous women attractive. But why would he hide the fact that he was looking up his ex girlfriend?
Yea, I've done it too, but I even told him about it. I hadn't talked to my ex in years.. he sort of disappeared so I had mentioned to my husband that I wondered if he had died or something.
It doesn't necessarily bother me that he looked her up. But why would he hide it? And why would he want to have contact with someone who cheated on him with one of his friends? I just don't understand. Mostly, why hide it from me when I walked in the room?? Why???
It makes me suspicious, though he's never really given me a reason to believe he would do anything. I just don't know why he'd hide something so stupid from me.
He still doesn't know that I found out it was his ex. I'm a little upset over it still but I'm trying to get over it on my own and just let it go.. it's hard.. But I don't want to start another fight about something we already fought about.
OMG. I have to do the same thing. It's like the only time we really talk is when we fight. He avoids confrontation and isn't open with me about anything personal.
I have people in my life that I am very close to (family mostly) and I talk to them about so many things.. I can be on the phone with my mom or 16 year old brother (crazy, i know) for hours! We talk about religion, relationships, death, experiences, food, art, EVERYTHING.. well, minus sex. haha. I just wish my husband could be more open to have conversations like that. It sometimes seems like the only thing that goes through his mind is sports. That can't be true, can it? There has to be more to him than his love for a group of men. hahah.

About women not saying what they mean. Well, that is NOT me AT ALL! I tell him exactly what I mean. If I think he's being ridiculous or he's making me angry, i tell him. If he stinks and needs a shower, I tell him. I am very forward with him.. and sometimes he says i'm mean or too honest about stuff. But I rather be that way than have us be lost and not on the same page.

I love him to death, but this is so frustrating sometimes.

We've only been married six months, so I'm scared it's not going to work out.. who knows?...

hah, I love your story about the Deer Camp.. that's so.. typical. I am the same way, at first, like if I don't want him to do something without me but if he doesn't understand my hints, I tell him, "maybe I need to be a little more obvious: I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO!!!!" hah. that usually works.
Have you worked through that though? Or do you still have that problem after so many years of marriage?

[AAAAA]

I still bring up the deer camp thing. But it's usually in a joking manner like "yeah, I was so angry at your father I that I almost didn't marry him. I use it as a lesson in compromise. At the time I got nothing from that compromise (that I knew of at the time), but he was absolutely right. (One of the few times in our marriage :P)

Perhaps the reason he's hiding it is because you react so much to people he doesn't have a chance in hell with, that he feels you'd go over the edge with people he actually knows.

[melissa1202]

i would like to tell you that you are overreacting but then I would be a hypocrite. My husbands has had an affair something that I'm still working thru for the last yr. But he like to talk ***** to women online. He only does it when he's drinking and I think its for the ego boost. I know when someone I once knew looks me up it boost my self- esteem maybe thats what he's doing? Maybe he's wanting to have his ego stroked. Hope it all works out for you.

[prettyjolie]

Thanks...

Well, I've been thinking about it for the past few days. It had really been bothering me, though he had NO idea. Men are so clueless sometimes! haha.
I talked to a friend about it.. and pretty much I came to this conclusion.. He has never done anything to make me suspicious of him cheating on me or anything like that. He's lied about other type of stuff.. stuff that he used to do that I really didn't like, bad habits. We broke up because of it a long time ago.
But he's totally turned his life around and even though he still talks to some of his friends that were not really a great influence on him, he's not close with them.
He does soo much for me and takes care of me.. he's helped me deal with a lot and to keep my emotions in check. He's really an amazing guy.
I was thinking about it, and I can see why he wouldn't want me to know.. Yea, I overreact. I get really upset over little things, like things that shouldn't really upset me. I can very very demanding and I have very high expectations. So I can understand why he would avoid making me angry.
It still sucks and I wish he wouldn't have hid it from me, but then again, I get it and I'm ready to get past it.
Plus, Valentine's Day is coming up and I don't want to have negative feelings over something so unimportant.