[Sher8907]

My boyfriend and I have been dating since June of 2008, and I really love him. But I have a lot of problems and I keep making a lot of mistakes. I have really bad communication problems, because growing up, I saw how my mom used to get hit for speaking her mind or sharing her feelings. So I've always kept them inside, while they ate me up. Also, I lie. About things I don't even need to lie about. I get scared about something, so I lie. Then I have to make up another lie. And I'm tired of it. I want to be a good girlfriend, because that's what my boyfriend deserves. My lying has caused him not to trust me at all. I have never cheated on him, nor do I want to. I also just miscarried our baby, without knowing I was about amonth pregnant. All of these things are taking a really big toll on our relationship.

I'm a really complicated girl, and I hate that. i really do. I wish I was different and it's like no matter how much I try to change, I keep messing up some more. I'm bi-polar, I have PTSD, I have really bad anxiety and depression, and I need help, I know I do. But I want to work on my relationship...because I really do love him.

Any advice would be highly appreciated. Thank you.

[bonaire]

I think I relate, not the physical part but the mental.

>> Also, I lie. About things I don't even need to lie about. <<
That's me... So, here's some thoughts.

I grew up an only adopted child of an older mom. She had her "ways" and thinking about the future. I felt I couldn't speak my mind so I shut up. When I talked, she would talk over me, tell me "you wouldn't want to do that..." and "why would I support you if you were just going to do that..." kind of talk. This is how people in the 1950s lived - through passive agressive living. In some ways, it wasn't "real" but felt that way. I felt "I better live like she thinks I am vs. how I want to." So in my teenage years, everything was a lie if I was going to do something outside of her expectations. I didn't tell her about my first girlfriends, I didn't tell her I occasionally smoked, drank, etc. Everythink was about "saving money" - she had lived through the depression in the 30s, etc.

She did it because that's how she lived, or was "trained" by culture in the mid 1900s. I learned to lie because I feared failing in her eyes and finding repercussions. Match made in heaven, right?

Your boyfriend will not hurt you if you speak your mind - unless he was trained by parents in this same way. Intead, he may respect you more. Go meet his parents. See how they act. Does his dad hit him/his mom for being unique and speaking their mind? If not, then you are free to not worry.

I'm still afraid to speak my mind entirely with my wife (heartfelt talks, that kind of thing) - she has had some of this "training" from her dad as she was growing up. She is a wonderful woman - yet I have a hard time talking with her. She has also had depression, ADD, manic-depressive disorder, back problems, hysterectomy, some kind of growth on her pituitary gland (that somehow "went away") and so on. She spends most of her days on the couch now - and she's only in her mid 40s. So much life out there, so much she's missing.

Anyway - what would I do? See if you can find a therapist who can help you with EMDR. EMDR is a way to work with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). That's a disorder that relates to a living condition caused by some type of undue stress in our younger years. Someone hit you, someone hurt you in some stessful way. Once you work it out with EMDR and eventually forgiveness, you can lose some or even all of what's holding you back now.

It won't just be a boyfriend, it'll be a manager at work, close friends, etc. So, work on it now and have a great rest of your life. Took me at least until I was about 40 to get to this point - I lived a life where lying to my closest family members was somewhat normal. But the interesting thing was - the lies were what I wrapped around things I wanted to do. Just normal stuff, really - life. I wrapped up what made me unique in lies and only shared it with myself. Still do sometimes but I at least have the ability to share me a lot more easily with my kids. Since I know they are "open" and unable to hurt me, I'm so much more open with them too.

[Sher8907]

Originally Posted by bonaire

I think I relate, not the physical part but the mental.

>> Also, I lie. About things I don't even need to lie about. <<
That's me... So, here's some thoughts.

I grew up an only adopted child of an older mom. She had her "ways" and thinking about the future. I felt I couldn't speak my mind so I shut up. When I talked, she would talk over me, tell me "you wouldn't want to do that..." and "why would I support you if you were just going to do that..." kind of talk. This is how people in the 1950s lived - through passive agressive living. In some ways, it wasn't "real" but felt that way. I felt "I better live like she thinks I am vs. how I want to." So in my teenage years, everything was a lie if I was going to do something outside of her expectations. I didn't tell her about my first girlfriends, I didn't tell her I occasionally smoked, drank, etc. Everythink was about "saving money" - she had lived through the depression in the 30s, etc.

She did it because that's how she lived, or was "trained" by culture in the mid 1900s. I learned to lie because I feared failing in her eyes and finding repercussions. Match made in heaven, right?

Your boyfriend will not hurt you if you speak your mind - unless he was trained by parents in this same way. Intead, he may respect you more. Go meet his parents. See how they act. Does his dad hit him/his mom for being unique and speaking their mind? If not, then you are free to not worry.

I'm still afraid to speak my mind entirely with my wife (heartfelt talks, that kind of thing) - she has had some of this "training" from her dad as she was growing up. She is a wonderful woman - yet I have a hard time talking with her. She has also had depression, ADD, manic-depressive disorder, back problems, hysterectomy, some kind of growth on her pituitary gland (that somehow "went away") and so on. She spends most of her days on the couch now - and she's only in her mid 40s. So much life out there, so much she's missing.

Anyway - what would I do? See if you can find a therapist who can help you with EMDR. EMDR is a way to work with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). That's a disorder that relates to a living condition caused by some type of undue stress in our younger years. Someone hit you, someone hurt you in some stessful way. Once you work it out with EMDR and eventually forgiveness, you can lose some or even all of what's holding you back now.

It won't just be a boyfriend, it'll be a manager at work, close friends, etc. So, work on it now and have a great rest of your life. Took me at least until I was about 40 to get to this point - I lived a life where lying to my closest family members was somewhat normal. But the interesting thing was - the lies were what I wrapped around things I wanted to do. Just normal stuff, really - life. I wrapped up what made me unique in lies and only shared it with myself. Still do sometimes but I at least have the ability to share me a lot more easily with my kids. Since I know they are "open" and unable to hurt me, I'm so much more open with them too.

I've already met his family, and his dad does yell at his mother for speaking her mind...plus, he does have a bit of an anger problem, especially since he got back from overseas.

I lie because I'm afraid the truth will make him unhappy. I lie to make myself seem more perfect. I've always had tihs fear of imperfection, because everyone in my family expected me to be perfect at everything...and it seems the more and more I try, the more and more I fail.

But thank you soo much for your advice, I appreciate it.

[bonaire]

One thing about this was you say you may make him unhappy. It sounds like his father has more of a control issue (plus the anger). The bf may adapt to living like that to some degree - it's possible that he would learn the control stuff from his dad. Lying is bad for these folks since a lie is a loss of control - "you're not doing what I expect (control) and you lied to me too (loss of control)". The perfection isn't really perfection - rather it's are you doing what they want you to do - are you "in their control". That was my mom (to me) - she wanted me to live life like she felt was proper. The "why would you do that?" questions she hit me with ended up being exactly what my wife does today. Trying to live a unique and fullfilling life when your parent or spouse questions your actions? That, to me, is a control issue. I know from long-ago that I'm not perfect. The only one who determines perfections for you is you. I lied to myself thinking I could attain some sort of perfection. Right now - I'm just about at the point of "take me as I am". (there's a good Dream Theater song with the title "As I am" that I relate to).

http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/dre...thought.html#1

[Sher8907]

Well, things are a lot better now. We still have a lot to work on....he's pretty much addicted to his internet games online and I still need to work up the courage to speak up my feelings. It's just hard, because I don't want to lose him. =\

[trouble4crowe]

I'm having some of the same problems. My boyfriend has combat-related PTSD and is dealing with so many issues. I try to help, but he sees me as being controlling. Perhaps that is true, but someone has to be somewhat in control.

He is currently in a treatment hospital for self-medicating his PTSD with alcohol, and I am very proud of him. I am also very depressed.