[calijenn]

I have been in a realtionship with my boyfriend for 6 years on and off. We have had a lot of issues but we are both committed and working through them. The main issue we are working through is his previous infidelity and the jealousy and lack of trust issues I am now dealing with.
Does anyone have any advice on how to over come jealousy or build trust back?

[bonaire]

Maybe a support group with similar circumstances exists in your area. You can contact a local therapist who knows about group therapy and find one that way. The on and off again - did he date others when you guys were "off" or did the "off" happen when he dated (ie. cheated?)

In terms of trust of someone who has cheated, I can relate. I was one of those who has cheated on both my gf's when I was young and also on my marriage. Younger, I just wanted to get to know people. Not being married, I was interested in meeting new friends/girlfriends/dating. A lot of times a gf/bf couple "act" married. One gets upset when the other even talks to someone of the opposite sex rather than dates them. This lack of trust is really self-directed. You may be seeing yourself "losing something you cannot hold onto" rather than trusting yourself that you know he'll come back. Fighting the trust tends to come out in hurtful attacks such as "where were you??" "who were you with?" "did you talk to her?" - that kind of thing. Guys really are put-off by this - they start to feel like "huh, maybe if she wasn't so naggy, I could handle this well. right now, I don't even want to be around her until she stops that." As a guy, I have a "trigger" and that's questions. Not "how was your day?" questions - but "why didn't you come home at 5pm like you said you would?" Challenging questions like that are really a cry out for soothing of trust issues. There are times when I'm a lamb and still feel accused of doing something wrong, so it can feel bad on his side too when you get jealous.

I think we're all taught "don't trust him - he'll just leave you". This truly isn't the case. A guy wants to know he's loved for him - not for whether or not he does what he's supposed to do. "I'm unique - love me for it" is what a guy is thinking. If a spouse starts to throw darts at that and challenge him, he will stray and eventually leave.

I think trust issues and jealousy is fixable - but the real issue is finding out where they came from. usually, it's parents teaching their kids to be that way, you learn it from how mom and dad act to each other. Then, when you can "use those skills" in real life, you start to mimic what's been taught. By working with a therapist or in group counseling - it is possible to slowly and healthfully remove those traits and be more trusting. However trust is not the same as being walked all over. You still need boundaries and decent ground rules between two people in a couple.

[ihateit]

Wow, I really just can't agree with much you say bonaire...maybe we were brought up differently, or just our experiences are that much different, but your explinations of trust and jealousy...what?

I cheated on my wife 5 years ago. I took her a long time to trust me again. She forgave me, our marriage went on and we were ok, but the trust had to rebuild. I broke a promise, all the questions and talking ... was nothing but directed at me. It was my fault, I broke the trust and in no way was it or should it have been self-directed.

When you totally trust someone and they break that trust, ouch. It's not self-directed at all, it's directed at the person who hurt you, because they borke that trust. If I promised you a new bike for Christmas and you didn't get it, I break our trust, where is the self accusation there? If I promise to not cheat on you, I break the trust, where is the self accusation there? Yes anger does occur, because your mad the person you trusted did something to break that trust.

Jealousy - some have, some don't, and goes hand-in-hand with trust. I do agree that nagging sucks, but if man is open and loves his partner, he has nothing to hide, and talks to his partner. If I say I am going to be home at 5, and I am not, I choose to call my wife and let her know what's up. I don't come home at 6 or 7 and then get pissed because she's gonna ask questions, my gosh, that should be expected! Of course they are soothing trust, because you basically promised something and broke it.

To the point now...you say previous infidelity, was that with you or others? Either way, you have the right to be mistrustful and maybe a little jealous, but deal with it in healthy ways. Again, and I can't stress this enough, communication is huge in relationships. He has to know that it will take time to build trust with him, basically if he loves you he will build that trust again, and with each passing day, it will fade a little, until you have no reason to not trust him, but he has to know what's going on, why you don't trust him. Jealousy on the other hand, is a hard one. I find myself from time-to-time getting a little jealous, but it fades fast, because I trust my wife. Again, they go hand-in-hand. If you can trust him, there is no reason to be jealous.

If you can't get him to talk, then about the only thing I really agree on here is counseling, they are trained to get things out of you that maybe you can't get out of him.

GL!

[bonaire]

I appreciate the feedback on my note. I re-read it and I didn't really write it well. Sometimes, I will rationalize stuff and not add the emotional content that should be there. What I don't understand is how much emphasis is put on the physical relationship itself. A spouse will give up so many boundaries for the other - but when it comes to the physical part, it's so much bigger. What about a person who is active in their younger years who then goes and overeats and ruins their health while married. They've affected the trust that the other person had on them to stay healthy. You can see how I rationalize things - leaving out the true emotion. (I have problems, as we all do, so one reason I hang around here).

It's such a gray area. Someone will end a marriage day-one after their partner has an affair. Another will "hang on" because they need the income to survive. They will have trust issues for years, ignore the marriage, treat their husband like a distant cousin, be emotionally distant - all because they can't live on their own. Which is "better"? Our society sometimes teaches us "he cheated, he's out" - but then also offers us shows like Desperate Housewives which "glamorizes" it. People just have too much input to make proper decisions - so they make decisions based on circumstance. For me, it's a rough road because my wife is distant to me. Rarely hugs, or even smiles at me. It's been over 4 years since it happened. So, which situation would I want to be in? Cut-off or hanging-on? I think it would have been healthier to break it off. Wife said she forgave me - however, I still live day to day with a strong resonance from it.

Ok - back to the original poster. Do you think you can life "free" with the bf after all this? Can you give your whole heart and soul to him without fear of trust issues, jealousy? If not, he doesn't deserve to be hung-around just to drag what's left on. He and you may be better-off with new spouses which you can then start all over with. Sure, trust issues may reoccur with the new guy if you think "he'll just do the same thing as prior bf" - but everyone is different. Everyone earns respect and trust. However, we must all learn to adapt to new circumstances and resurrect trust even though something happened in the past to break it. If that cannot happen - a couple will go to their graves with trust issues that spoil and poison the relationship for the entire time.

[Pistol02]

I am going through the exact same thing with my husband. we have been together for 6 years. we have been through alot.. from him cheating to losing his brother in the war, him deploying himself and now the talk of divorce. We both believe we have something many people dont have. we love eachother greatly. but over the years he has torn me down greatly. putting me in situations you should never put a loved in and cheating is the greatest problem. Even now hes saying I am the one person he wants to be with, yet he has feelings for another girl... Honestly honey I can tell you they never change! My husbands parents are the same way, maybe thats why he thinks its okay i dont know. I finally got strong enough to leave and though it hurts because i love him, I am actually happy stress free for the first time in years! Its up to you what you want to do. but once ou have an emotional detatchment from him, there hard to reverse. Thats where i am right now. I stopped feeling anythin for him, i was numb in our relationship and it reallyhurts to see the man who was my life turn into someone i dont even want to see at all! Now hes willing to change for me and i cant even give him another chance.

Originally Posted by calijenn

I have been in a realtionship with my boyfriend for 6 years on and off. We have had a lot of issues but we are both committed and working through them. The main issue we are working through is his previous infidelity and the jealousy and lack of trust issues I am now dealing with.
Does anyone have any advice on how to over come jealousy or build trust back?

[tat2doc]

I guess it depends on how much in love with him you are. If your jealousy & lack of trust rule you, then perhaps you need to get it under control and not let it dominate the relationship.

Because of previous relationships, being cheated on is always in the back of my mind too. Like I expect it to happen eventually. But it doesn't mean I won't have a relationship because of it.

Best advice I can think of is the old Native American story about the 2 wolves. The one that survives is the one you feed.

OR

Watch the feet (so to speak). The feet take the body where it wants to go. If he truly loves you, he'll move himself in your direction and not give cause to make you mistrust. If by chance he's "wondering" in some other direction, then take that as the place he'd rather be.

[calijenn]

Originally Posted by ihateit

Wow, I really just can't agree with much you say bonaire...maybe we were brought up differently, or just our experiences are that much different, but your explinations of trust and jealousy...what?

I cheated on my wife 5 years ago. I took her a long time to trust me again. She forgave me, our marriage went on and we were ok, but the trust had to rebuild. I broke a promise, all the questions and talking ... was nothing but directed at me. It was my fault, I broke the trust and in no way was it or should it have been self-directed.

When you totally trust someone and they break that trust, ouch. It's not self-directed at all, it's directed at the person who hurt you, because they borke that trust. If I promised you a new bike for Christmas and you didn't get it, I break our trust, where is the self accusation there? If I promise to not cheat on you, I break the trust, where is the self accusation there? Yes anger does occur, because your mad the person you trusted did something to break that trust.

Jealousy - some have, some don't, and goes hand-in-hand with trust. I do agree that nagging sucks, but if man is open and loves his partner, he has nothing to hide, and talks to his partner. If I say I am going to be home at 5, and I am not, I choose to call my wife and let her know what's up. I don't come home at 6 or 7 and then get pissed because she's gonna ask questions, my gosh, that should be expected! Of course they are soothing trust, because you basically promised something and broke it.

To the point now...you say previous infidelity, was that with you or others? Either way, you have the right to be mistrustful and maybe a little jealous, but deal with it in healthy ways. Again, and I can't stress this enough, communication is huge in relationships. He has to know that it will take time to build trust with him, basically if he loves you he will build that trust again, and with each passing day, it will fade a little, until you have no reason to not trust him, but he has to know what's going on, why you don't trust him. Jealousy on the other hand, is a hard one. I find myself from time-to-time getting a little jealous, but it fades fast, because I trust my wife. Again, they go hand-in-hand. If you can trust him, there is no reason to be jealous.

If you can't get him to talk, then about the only thing I really agree on here is counseling, they are trained to get things out of you that maybe you can't get out of him.

GL!

When I say previous infidelity I mean that while he and I were together he slept with other women.

We are working very hard at building up the trust but atm we are at a stand still. I have told him that I believe relationship counsling with help us to get over the jealousy issues I have as well as to help build my trust in him. He disagrees and doesn't see how someone else can help and that the way this will get resolved is time and love.

Ive been reading books on jealousy and trust issues but I felt that talking it out with people might be able to help me more.