[omizuhime]

I have been with my husband since we were 17/18, and we got married a year and a half ago. I have never had sex with anyone else, in fact, the farthest I've ever gone with anyone else is kissing. My husband, on the other hand, lost his virginity when he was 15, and has been with several other girls (a couple of them, I was friends with). I know that all of these things happened before we were together, and he can't undo anything he's already done, but I'm extremely jealous of these other girls.

I feel like such a bad wife, that I can't just forget about this. He didn't do it to hurt me, and I don't think he would ever intentionally do anything to hurt me.

How can I stop thinking about this?

[ihateit]

Originally Posted by omizuhime

I have been with my husband since we were 17/18, and we got married a year and a half ago. I have never had sex with anyone else, in fact, the farthest I've ever gone with anyone else is kissing. My husband, on the other hand, lost his virginity when he was 15, and has been with several other girls (a couple of them, I was friends with). I know that all of these things happened before we were together, and he can't undo anything he's already done, but I'm extremely jealous of these other girls.

I feel like such a bad wife, that I can't just forget about this. He didn't do it to hurt me, and I don't think he would ever intentionally do anything to hurt me.

How can I stop thinking about this?

You're not a bad wife!!!! You're at a stuck point though, and you do need to get past it.

Everything he did happened before you were B/F - G/F?

Before the marriage?

Does he give you reason to be jealous, to not trust him?

As someone here on these forums would say, get rid of the old tapes you keep playing in your mind, start recording new ones.

You are with him, today, tomorrow. etc. I know where you are, trust me, I have been there, but there's no reason to be there. All of this is done, and over, and even if it were yesterday, it's all way in the past. Live for the day, control what you can, and forget about what you can't.

GL and God Bless!

[bonaire]

Originally Posted by omizuhime

How can I stop thinking about this?

You need to find the reason that you do think about this. You didn't mention things about your husband that were non-sex related, so you have to work on things inside you that *are* sex related. You didn't mention that he had numerous friends who he went to see movies with. You didn't mention his high school <something>ball team that he was on and that he had a great time doing that. All healthy stuff. Now, is sex healthy? Sure (for the most part). He was doing a healthy, human act. He probably also ate food, drank liquids and even wore fancy clothes from time to time.

You aren't damaged at all, really - but I would suggest maybe one or two visits with a therapist to go over your own thinking about sex itself to see if the jealousy is based on something that happened in your life. It simply could be that you wanted to have sex younger but didn't and are feeling empty in that "well he got to do it but I didn't...I'm not good enough". You are good enough - but you waited to meet the right person and get married to do that. See if the jealousy you have for him, as you say, isn't some type of inward-directed jealousy you have about your own life. If you do find that - you can forgive yourself and move on.

The most baseless type of jealousy is that which is directed at someone you know now that occurred before you knew them. Definitely something out of your control.

[StayGolden]

If you don't mind me being personal. This is one of those odd things that my wife and I did before we got married and I don't think anyone really does this, but it helped us. We actually talked about our past sexual relationships. We didn't get into details and stuff, but talked about the people. Now that's what we did.

My question would be, have you talked to your husband about how you are feeling? And as ihateit mentioned, does he give you a reason to be jealous? Do you look for reasons to be?

One question that I feel is very important is do you and your husband talk about sex? That is, how you are feeling before, after, when your are apart, do you flirt with each other, develop the intimate side of your marriage? My wife was like that. She was very apprehensive with talking about little things, because "Christians don't do that" or married couples for that matter. And it affected our intimacy out of the bedroom more than anything. But I believe that the discussion of sex is an important part of marriage. Our spouse is suppose to be the one we feel safe with, and that is our most vulnerable time.

You don't have to answer any of these questions. Just food to chew on. I do not know the relationship, but you do. Find out why you are jealous or uncomfortable. It may be because you were not intimate before him and are getting to know yourself.

stay golden and encouraged.

[prettyjolie]

I kind of feel like this too.. I used to feel really bad about it at first, and I've gotten over it, some how.
I think with me it's that I didn't do any of the stuff he did. I was kinda jealous that he got to "date around" and I didn't. I had the chance, but I was too shy or had insecurities or my standards were too high. I was jealous that he had some experience and I hadn't.
I guess it always bothered me that the only thing I ever did was kiss because it made me feel like a prude, though it was the only thing I was comfortable doing.
I was also jealous of the girls.. and that part is hard to get over too, but for me the easiest thing to do is to not think about it.
And like bonaire said, "he probably also ate food, drank liquids and even wore fancy clothes from time to time."
It's funny but true.. you can't be mad at someone for something they did before you.