[mixedup_emotions]

I told my husband that I want a divorce. Long story short, we don't get along, we don't have much in common, we are in very different places in our life, we each have way different maturity levels...On top of that, he has OCD, is very controlling, inappropriate/rude/disgusting and has absolutely no respect for me.

We've been married for 14 years, together for about 15, and I am done. I want to look ahead with a shimmer of hope and happiness instead of just plugging along trying to keep sane among all the misery.

We had a loooooong talk, and he suggested a trial separation for 6 months. He'd get an apartment and work on his issues and then "come back". I told him that just "coming back" wasn't going to work. I'm not saying we won't give it a shot - if that's what we both want to do at that time. He did not like hearing that. But I was glad that he was agreeable to getting a place.

Then.....he had time to think......

The next conversation we had, he wrote a list of all the promises he's making to me, the changes he will make....he said he will see a psychologist......I told him that it is great that he wants to make changes to better his life, but that I really think he needs to also concentrate on finding that apartment or whatnot.

He was so disappointed to hear that. He said that he is committing to these things with the plan of continuing to stay in the home and save our marriage. I told him that that's not what I want.

You see, even if he made all the changes he's promising to me (which seem impossible if you ask me - you don't just "change"), I still don't see our relationship working. There are so many reasons why. And I am just tired of wasting my life with him.

Then....last night......

He is acting all nicey-nicey.....And then says, "I am respecting you. See? And I am smiling, so you will be happy!".....

He doesn't realize that it takes a whole lot more than that....and that I have hit rock bottom in our relationship. When I see him or think of him, I feel disgusted....sometimes sad.

He tried touching me this morning, and I pushed him away. Don't touch me! I went into the other room. I also told him that he is not respecting me and my wishes.

How do I get him to leave?

I don't want to be the one to leave, because I want to keep the house. Our daughter loves it here, and it's where I want her to continue to grow up. Financially, I can make it work. It won't be easy, but I know I can do it. He, on the other hand, would never be able to afford it. His income would just cover the mortgage/taxes each month.

What can I do?

[mixedup_emotions]

He just left me with this note:

"I'm going to turn to God to make this situation better. I will always give you the respect you want and also respect our daughter. You will see a change starting today. Please give me this time with the psychologist. You will love what you see. I love you."

UGH. First of all, turn to God? Not to disrespect anyone's religion, but he is nowhere near religious - and to me, this is a cop-out.

He will "always" respect us? How on earth can you turn a switch like that when he hasn't respected me for our entire relationship?

I will love what I see? How does he know? I don't think there's anything left to salvage.

[bonaire]

You're very strong for saying what you need. Trial separations may work to filter out the issues and bring them to the surface. It isn't cheap to do - I did it myself in '05 for 3-months. The marriage continues on and is ok - but isn't something to write home about.

The OCD is one thing, but he may need to get a full DSM-IV diagnosis - maybe it's Narcissism (hard to cure) or maybe it's something else.

Good luck with it - but live your life. While the separation occurs - do things *for you* while he's out. Do hobbies, be with friends and don't sit around. Live the way you've wanted to live and prove to yourself how wonderful this world really is without being hindered and limited by family issues.

I actually enjoyed my 3-mo separation but it was work too. It helped me see how much my family meant to me (including my 2 kids) and that family comes first even if the world is far more interesting. I don't put my marriage first just yet, but I do make sure the kids are growing well and I'm really proud of them.

How to get him to leave - stand your ground. "We have agreed on a 6-mo trial separation. You have to get on with that - or we will have to use lawyers which is far more painful."

I would go to a lawyer and get a seperation order then have the locks changed on the house and pack his bags, when he turns up IF he kicks up a stink then call the police.

I was weak and left the marital home as he wouldnt leave, we too had been together fifteen years but had five children whome I took with me. He just kept saying 'I will make you love me again' duh I was past that !

You need the advice of a lawyer.

[Pomegranate]

Tough situtation. Especially as you seem to be saying that you KNOW this relationship can not work for YOU. I would try to find a lawyer and seek advice, but I would suggest a lawyer who does "divorce mediation." It could save you from much anger, money and time. I would also suggest reading the book 'How To Heal Painful Relationships And If Necessary, Part As Friends' by Bill Ferguson.

Perhaps I'm reading this wrong but it sounds like your situation could quickly escalate into a very bitter divorce battle. The one that would be hurt the most if that happens, down the long road, is your daughter. So work to part as cordially as possible with him for her sake.

I wish I had the benefit of this advice and the above book when I was divorcing my daughter's father. Our divorce turned out long and bitter. That was truly never my intention. I'm not sure that it could have been any other way given the type of person he is, but I would have liked to have this knowledge at hand, possessed these skills, and to have given it a try for my daughter's sake. Our bitterness and inability to get along really hurt her and often made her feel as if she had to choose between us.